radio conversation between a US Navy ship and Canadian officials:
Canadians: Please divert your course 5 degrees south to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 5 degrees north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 5 degrees south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Lincoln, the second-largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet!
We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous other support ships. I demand
that you change your course 5 degrees north, or measures will be taken to ensure the safety of this ship!
Canadians: This is a lighthouse.
Three kids were sitting on a cliff eating their lunch. The Japanese kid says, "If my dad packs me sushi one more time, I'm going to jump off this cliff". The Mexican kid says, "If my mom packs me a bean burrito one more day in a row, I'm going to jump off this cliff". The American kid says, "I know what you mean. If I get a turkey sandwich one more day, I'll jump off this cliff". A few days later, at the group funeral for all three kids, the Japanese and Mexican parents are talking and saying, "If only we had known. We would have packed him something different. The American parent says "It's not my fault, my son packed his own lunch!"
W. Bush and a secret service agent are taking a stroll when they come upon a
little girl carrying a basket with a blanket over it. Curious, Bush asks the
girl, "What's in the basket?"
"New baby kittens," she replies, and she opens the basket to show him.
"How nice," says Bush. "What kind are they?"
The little girl says, "Republicans."
Bush smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on.
Three weeks later, Bush is taking another stroll, this time with Karl Rove*). They see the little girl again with the same basket. Bush says, "Watch this, Karl -- it's really cute."
They approach the little girl. Bush greets her and asks how the kittens are doing, and she says, "Fine."
Then, smirking, he nudges Rove with his elbow and asks the little girl, "And can you tell us what kind of kittens they are?"
She replies, "Democrats."
Aghast, Bush says, "But three weeks ago you said they were Republicans!"
"I know," she says. "But now their eyes are open." *) or Laura Bush or Vice-President Cheney
numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive",
Osama himself decided to
send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting
to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H.
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleeza Rice.
Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to NASA.
Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help.
Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply. "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
George Bush had just landed in a fighter plane on the deck of the aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln, which displayed a huge banner that read "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED". (That was in May of 2003 - for those of who have forgotten this incident.) Karl Rove, the President's chief spin-doctor, thought that, after the obligatory photo-op, Bush should give a short press conference, still clad in his flight gear. So, surrounded by a group of hand-picked journalists, Bush answered their questions. When asked by one of these "embedded" journalists what his plans were for Iraq Bush replied: "Well, now that we've won the war we're gonna divide up Iraq into three parts: premium, premium extra and diesel."
Saudia Arabia's ambassador to the United Nations has just finished his speech to the General Assembly and has left for the lobby. There he meets George W. Bush. They shake hands and engage in the usual small talk. As Bush turns to go the Saudi Arabian ambassador he says to Bush: "Mr President, I've got a question that has got something to do with something I've seen on American TV, to be more exact with the series Star Trek, a series my son is a great fan of. And it's for my son that I want to ask you this question." "Well, what's the problem, your eminency?" Bush replies. "Well, Mr President, the ambassador answers, "in this series, there are Americans, even African Americans, Russians and Asians, but no Arabs and my son is really upset about this." George W. Bush then smiles knowingly and whispers into the ambassador's ear: "That's because the series is set in the future ..."
A man recently appointed general in the army was in his new office when a new soldier walked in. Wishing to impress the new soldier, the general picked up the telephone and said, "Yes, Mr. President. I'm glad you like my suggestions. I'll come by and give you a more detailed report at the White House a little later this week." After hanging up the telephone the general asked, "Now, soldier, what can I do for you?" "Nothing much, sir," said the soldier, "I just came to connect your telephone."
A sergeant was addressing a squad of 20 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest." 19 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?" The man replied: "Too much trouble, sarge."
Jeep in the mud
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
A boy named Sue
A guy was telling about this girl Sue who disguised herself as a man and joined the army.
"But, wait a minute," said his friend, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them, too, won't she?"
"Sure," replied the guy.
"Well, won't they find out?"
The guy shrugged. "Who's gonna tell?"
A game warden in Southern Louisiana recently stopped a Cajun with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, ma' fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" "Ya. Every night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim round for a while. I whistle and dey jump right back into dese ice chests and I take dem back home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said "It's de truth ma' fren, I can show you. It really works." "Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" said the Cajun. "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH!" "What fish?"
College Entrance Exam: For Football Players
You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first
name of PIERRE Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Swedish (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)
8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (C) NORTHERNERS
9. Spell -- CAT, DOG, PIG
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behaviour, the Lord will reward him by offering him one of three things: infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
#23) Demote: What de
king put around de castle
#24) Despise: De persons who work for de CIA
#25) Detention: What causes de stress
#26) Dilate: When a person lives longer
#27) Dioxin: What you say before you kill a herd of buffalo-like cattle see also: #56, # 57, #94, #95, #96, #372
#28) Dreadlocks: The fear of opening the dead-bolt
2) Employ the vernacular.
3) Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
4) Remember to never split an infinitive.
5) Contractions aren't necessary.
6) Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
7) One should never generalize.
8) Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
9) Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
10) Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
12) Be more or less specific.
13) Understatement is always best.
14) Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
15) One-word sentences? Eliminate.
16) Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
17) A writer must not shift your point of view.
18) Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!
19) Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. TO BE CONTINUED!
20) Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
22) Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
23) Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
24) Always pick on the correct idiom.
25) The adverb always follows the verb.
26) And always be sure to finish what ...
Q: What does Santa get if he gets stuck in a chimney?
2) Q: What do you call Santa when he has no money?
A: Saint "Nickel"-less. more CHRI$TMA$ jokes: #23, #24, #73, #74, #75, #127, #128, #179, #180, #231, #232
1) Q: Why does Santa have three gardens?
A: So he can hoe hoe hoe.
2) Q: Why does Santa go down the chimney?
A: Because it soots him. more CHRI$TMA$ jokes: #23, #24, #73, #74, #75, #127, #128, #179, #180, #230, #232
Q: What would you
call Santa Claus if he became a detective?
A: Santa Clues. more CHRI$TMA$ jokes: #23, #24, #73, #74, #75, #127, #128, #179, #180, #230, #231
What is the definition of a hangover?
A: The wrath of grapes.
An Irishman walks into a
pub in Dublin and says, "Three pints of cider*),
please." The barkeeper says, "As you are on your own, shouldn't I bring them one after the
"You don't understand," says the man, "I used to go out drinking every Friday night with my brothers. Now one has moved to New Zealand and the other one to America. So with three ciders*), I carry on the tradition."
One night the man orders only two ciders. The bartender asks, "Has something happened to one of your brothers?" "Oh, my brothers are fine," says the man. "But I've quit drinking." *) Shurely, three Guinnesh!
As a man was walking past a table in a pub he noticed two men and a dog playing cards. The dog was doing very well indeed. "That is a very clever dog," the man said to the players." "He's not that clever," replied one of them. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail!"
A sailor went to an auction
and bid for a parrot. The sailor bid 5 pounds, but someone else bid 10 pounds.
The sailor bid 20 pounds, but someone else bid 30 pounds. The sailor bid 40
pounds, but someone else bid 50 pounds. The sailor was determined to buy the
bird and put in a final bid of 60 pounds. This time the bid was successful and
the parrot was sold to the sailor.
"That's a lot of money I've paid for this bird," said the sailor to the auctioneer. "I hope he can talk."
"Of course he can," replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
A man and his wife were driving home after a night out when they were pulled over by the police. "Did you know you were speeding, sir?" asked the officer. "No officer, I had no idea I was speeding," replied the driver. " "Of course you did," interrupted the wife. "You're always speeding." The officer looked at the back of the vehicle. "And did you know your brake light isn't working, sir?" "No, I had no idea it was broken," replied the driver. Again the wife interrupted. "Don't talk nonsense! You're always saying you'll get it repaired, but you are just too lazy." The officer began to sympathize with the driver. "Does she always talk to you like this?" "Only when he's drunk," said the wife.
What did the father buffalo say to the son buffalo when he left for school?
A: "Bison!" for more "crazy questions" go to: CRAZY QUESTIONS
What does a lawyer name his firstborn daughter?
A: Sue. for more "crazy questions" go to: CRAZY QUESTIONS
A city doctor started a practice in the countryside. He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. However, after a few house calls he stopped coming to the farm. Puzzled, the farmer finally phoned him to ask what the matter was. The doctor said, "It's your ducks at the entrance. Every time I enter the farm they insult me." (geddit?)
What did the doctor say to the man who wanted to remove his own stitches?
A: "Suture yourself!"
The teacher to a student: "Conjugate the verb 'to walk' in the simple
The student: "I walk. You walk ..."
Impatient, the teacher interrupts him: "Quicker, please."
The student: "I run. You run ..."
Two college students have a
wild all night party instead of studying for an important exam. The next morning,
they tell the professor, "Our car had a flat tyre! We couldn't study last
night because we were stuck in the countryside."
The professor agrees to give them an extra day. Both of the boys study hard and come to the exam the next day feeling confident. The profesoor tells them to sit in separate rooms to take the test. Each student easily answers the first question: "For 10 points, explain Boyle's law." The second question is: "For 90 points, tell me which tyre it was."
more exam jokes: #29, #50, #156 college jokes: #222, #223, #224
old snake goes to see his doctor. "Doc, I need something
my eyes, I can't see very well these days."
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two weeks.
The snake comes back in two weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
The doctor asks, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a garden hose the past two years!"
more animal jokes: #3, #10, #21, #27, #83, #124, #125, #126, #153, #154, #235, #236
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone at his bedside rings. "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely deadly virus, which is very contagious."
"Oh my gosh," cried the man. "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?" asked the patient.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but it's the only food we can get under the door."
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. An Italian customs officer stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.
"Quattro meansa four," replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman says, not believing what he is hearing. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro meansa four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a the law".
The Englishman replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come". "He's a busy with two guys in a Uno".
Germania ha fatto scalpore il nuovo brevetto di una macchina speciale, che
permette di acciuffare ladri in soli 5 minuti. Installata negli USA, ha fatto
prendere 1000 ladri in 5 minuti. Installata in Giappone, ha fatto prendere 6000
ladri in 5 minuti. Installata in Italia, e' stata rubata in 5 minuti.
In Germany a new patent for a special machine that makes it possible to catch thieves in five minutes caused a sensation. Installed in the USA, it caught 1000 thieves in five minutes while in Japan 6000 thieves were nabbed in five minutes. Installed in Italy it was stolen in five minutes.
un tedesco non sa una cosa... LA
a German doesn't know something... HE LEARNS IT.
Quando un americano non sa una cosa... PAGA PER SAPERLA When an American doesn't know something... HE PAYS TO LEARN IT.
Quando un inglese non sa una cosa... CI SCOMMETTE SOPRA When an Englishman doesn't know something... HE BETS ON IT.
Quando un francese non sa una cosa... FA FINTA DI SAPERLA When a Frenchman doesn't know something... HE PRETENDS HE KNOWS IT.
Quando uno spagnolo non sa una cosa... CHIEDE CHE GLI SIA SPIEGATA When a Spaniard doesn't know something... HE ASKS FOR AN EXPLANATION.
Quando un greco non sa una cosa... TI SFIDA A CHI HA RAGIONE When a Greek doesn't know something... HE CHALLENGES YOU ON WHO IS RIGHT.
Quando un irlandese non sa una cosa... CI BEVE SOPRA When an Irishman doesn't know something... HE DRINKS ON IT.
Quando un italiano non sa una cosa... LA INSEGNA !!! When an Italian doesn't know something... HE TEACHES IT!!!
Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million
bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an
occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was
assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have
to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about. " The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Joe invited his friend Bill to come to his cabin by the
lake, so they could do some duck hunting. As they enjoyed a cold beer, Joe said
"My dog here is so smart, he can tell you how many ducks are on the lake at
any time." Bill seemed skeptical, so Joe opened the door and sent the dog
out. The dog came back shortly, sat down and barked three times. When the two
men looked out, there were 3 ducks on the lake.
Later, the dog went out again, came back and barked 5 times. Sure enough, there were 5 ducks on the lake.
At supper, the dog went out again, and came back, very excited, with a large branch in his mouth, shaking it vigorously from side to side. Bill asked "What does that mean"? Joe said "That means there are more ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"
After a bit too much to drink one night an ant and an elephant end up sharing a night of passion. However, the next morning the ant wakes up to find that the elephant is dead. "Damn," says the ant. "One night of romance and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
A burly, good ol' Texan on
a flight flags down a steward and says, "Captain, I want a drink but I
don't see the stewardess around."
The steward answers, "Actually, I'm not the captain. This airline is proud to have integrated many of the male-female roles of the industry. I'd be happy to get you a drink."
Passenger: "Wow, what does the captain think of that?"
Steward: "She's all for it. In fact the entire flight crew is female."
Passenger: "I don't believe it! Take me up to the cockpit so I can see for myself!"
Steward: "Actually, sir, we don't call it that anymore."
Two Irish workmen are
digging a ditch across from a brothel, when one notices a rabbi walking into the
place. The first workman says to the other, "Sure, it's a sad day when
men of the cloth go into a place like that." After a little while, the
other man sees a vicar walking into the brothel. He stands up and says to his
workmate: "Now, did you see that? No wonder the children today are so
confused with the example the clergy is setting them." After about
another hour, the first workman sees a Catholic priest walk in. He promptly
stands up and proclaims to his partner, "Aye, that is truly sad. One of
the poor girls must be dying."
more Irish jokes: (1a), (1), (2), (3), (4), (5), (6), (7), (8), (10), (11), (12)
WORLD NEWS: Dublin, Ireland
Three men in Ireland accused of attacking a religious shrine deny that they have ever been near the Guinness Brewery.
more "WORLD NEWS" (see also RAZZAMATAZZ)
more Irish jokes: (1a), (1), (2), (3), (4), (5), (6), (7), (8), (9), (11), (12)
The priest was giving one
of his parishioners his usual lecture. "Abstinence," he said, "is
a wonderful thing, Patrick."
"Sure, I know, Father," said Patrick, "if practised in moderation."
more Irish jokes: (1a), (1), (2), (3), (4), (5), (6), (7), (8), (9), (10), (12)
An Irishman went to a
library and asked the librarian if he could recommend any plays for him to read.
"How about Shaw?" said the librarian. "I'll give him a try,"
answered the Irishman, so the librarian handed him The
Complete Plays of George Bernard Shaw. Next day he returned saying he
had finished the book and had enjoyed it very much. "Do you have any more
plays by the same author?" he enquired. For a joke, the librarian gave him
a telephone directory to take home, and when the Irishman returned two days
later the librarian asked him if he had enjoyed it. "Well," said the
Irishman, "I didn't think much of the plot, but what a cast!"
more Irish jokes: (1a), (1), (2), (3), (4), (5), (6), (7), (8), (9), (10), (11)
A duck walks
into a bar wearing a hard-hat, safety vest, and tool belt. He sits
down at the
bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer." Flabbergasted,
bartender pours a beer and hands it to the duck. He tosses it back and
another. The bartender can't believe what he's witnessing but pours
watches as the duck downs it in one gulp. "Where are you from?"
bartender. "Construction site across the street. One more please,
and I'll be
on my way." Pouring a third, he asks the duck, "Do you know
money you could make with the circus?" "Circus?" the duck asks
his last beer. "What would the circus want with a bricklayer?"
A man, feeling a bit under
the weather, goes to see his doctor:
"Your heartbeat doesn't sound good," the doctor says, listening through a stethoscope. "You've had some trouble with agina pectoris, haven't you?"
"In a way, doctor, you're right," answers the man, "only that isn't her name."
see also: #151, #152, #190, #240, #241, #258, #261
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
Q/A: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? No? Then it shows how well it works.
see also: Elephant jokes (1) Elephant jokes (2) Elephant jokes (3) Elephant jokes (5)
Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their
A: So they can float unseen, upside-down in custard.
see also: Elephant jokes (1) Elephant jokes (2) Elephant jokes (3) Elephant jokes (4)
THAT CONCLUDES THE FIFTH YEAR OF "JOKE OF THE WEEK", 260 JOKES ALTOGETHER !!!!
back to joke(s) of the week (index) back to joke of the week (collection) back to homepage