"JOKE OF THE WEEK"
So
far 520(!)
"Jokes of the Week":
See
below for the TENTH year:
the week from June
25, 2012
until July 1, 2012
First Year (2002/2003): 52 jokes from the week of July 22/28, 2002 until the week of July 14/20, 2003 [jokes: #1 - #52]
Second Year (2003/2004): 52 jokes from the week of July 21/27, 2003 until the week of July 12/18, 2004 [jokes: #53 - #104]
Third Year (2004/2005): 52 jokes from the week of July 19/25, 2004 until the week of July 11/17, 2005 [jokes: #105 - #156]
Fourth Year (2005/2006): 52 jokes from the week of July 18/24, 2005 until the week of July 10/16, 2006 [jokes: #157 - #208]
Fifth Year (2006/2007): 52 jokes from the week of July 17/23, 2006 until the week of July 9/15, 2007 [jokes: #209 - #260]
Tenth Year (2011/2012): "work in progress": joke #469 - #520
Joke
of the week [469 = year 10, #1] "Geddit?": (40),
idiom 14 (July 11, 2011 -
July 17, 2011)
Q: What do you call it when
your parachute doesn't open?
A: Jumping to a conclusion.*
pun on the literal versus the idiomatic meaning of to jump to a conclusion
www.dict.cc/?s=to+jump+to+the+conclusion+that
& www.linguee.de/englisch-deutsch/uebersetzung/jump+to+a+conclusion.html
cf: 21, 428,
429, 430,
431, 432,
433, 434,
435,
436, 437,
438, 439,
443, 444,
445, 446,
447, 448,
449, 450,
451, 452,
453, 454,
455,
456,
457,
458, etc.
Joke
of the week [470 = year 10, #2] "Geddit?": (41),
idiom 15 (July 18, 2011 -
July 24, 2011)
Q: Why are earthquakes
great actors?
A: They bring the house down.*
* pun on the literal versus the idiomatic meaning of "to bring the
house down"
http://www.phrasen.com/uebersetze,to-bring-the-house-down,67137,e.html
& http://www.dict.cc/?s=bring+the+house+down
cf: 21, 428,
429, 430,
431, 432,
433, 434,
435,
436, 437,
438, 439,
443, 444,
445, 446,
447, 448,
449, 450,
451, 452,
453, 454,
455,
456,
457,
458, etc.
Joke
of the week [471 = year 10, #3] "Geddit?": (42),
idiom 16 (July 25, 2011 -
July 31, 2011)
Q: Did you hear what
happened to the paper company?
A: It folded.*
*pun on the literal versus the idiomatic meaning of "to fold" [~
to close down, to fail]
http://www.dict.cc/?s=to+fold
& http://dict.leo.org/ende?lp=ende&lang=de&searchLoc=0&cmpType=relaxed§Hdr=on&spellToler=&search=to+fold
cf: 21, 428,
429, 430,
431, 432,
433, 434,
435,
436, 437,
438, 439,
443, 444,
445, 446,
447, 448,
449, 450,
451, 452,
453, 454,
455,
456,
457,
458, etc.
Joke
of the week [472 = year 10, #4] "Geddit?": (43),
idiom 17 (August 1, 2011 -
August 7, 2011)
Q: Why are
giraffes brave?
A: Because they stick their necks out.*
*pun on the literal versus the idiomatic mening of "to stick one's
neck out"
http://www.dict.cc/?s=stick+one%27s+neck+out
& http://www.linguee.de/englisch-deutsch/uebersetzung/neck+out.html?recommendation=1
Joke
of the week [473 = year 10, #5] "Luters" (sic[k] 1) (August
8, 2011 -
August 14, 2011)
Q: What do
you call a group of people breaking into a music store and helping themselves to
the stringed instruments?
A: Luters*.
* sadly this very week in England, this
hackneyed homophonic pun has become grim reality: sb. playing the lute >
"luter" versus looter
Joke
of the week [474 = year 10, #6] "croaking" (sick 2) (August
15, 2011 -
August 21, 2011)
A grandson ran up to his grandad and asked him if he could talk like a frog. "Of course not," replied grandad. A few minutes later, his granddaughter ran up and asked him the same question. "No, of course not. Why are you both asking me this?" The granddaughter looked up at him and said: "Mum said that when you croak*, we can go to Disneyland." *(sick) pun on the literal versus the slang meaning of "to croak" http://www.dict.cc/?s=to+croak
Joke
of the week [475 = year 10, #7] "famished" (sick 3) (August
22, 2011 -
August 28, 2011)
A beggar goes up to a well-dressed lady who is just coming out of Harrods and says, "Excuse me, madam. I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looks at him and replies, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Joke
of the week [476 = year 10, #8] "killing pigs" (sick 4) (August
29, 2011 -
September 4, 2011)
Q: Why
do sick pigs always die?
A: Because they have to be killed before they can be cured*.
* (sick) pun on the two
meanings of "to cure" http://www.dict.cc/?s=to+cure
& http://www.dict.cc/?s=to+cure+%5Bmeat+fish+etc+%5D
Joke
of the week [477 = year 10, #9] "skeleton crew" (sick 5) (September
5, 2011 -
September 11, 2011)
Q:
What happened to the ship that sank in a lake full of piranhas?
A: It returned with a skeleton crew*.
* (sick) pun on the literal
versus the idiomatic meaning of "skeleton crew"
1) http://www.dict.cc/?s=skeleton+crew
2) http://de.bab.la/woerterbuch/englisch-deutsch/skeleton-crew
3) http://www.linguee.de/englisch-deutsch/uebersetzung/skeleton+crew.html
Joke
of the week [478 = year 10, #10] "Titanic" (sick 6) (September
12, 2011 -
September 18, 2011)
Q: What do you get
if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A: About halfway.
Joke
of the week [479 = year 10, #11] "coroner" (VERY
sick 7) (September 19, 2011 -
September 25, 2011)
Q:
What do you have to take to become a coroner?
A: A stiff*
exam. * a VERY sick pun on the difference
in meaning between the adjective "stiff"(= hard, difficult) and
the noun "a stiff" (= slang for a dead body)
1) http://www.dict.cc/?s=stiff
2) A Dictionary of Slang, letter "s": http://www.peevish.co.uk/slang/s.htm
Joke
of the week [480 = year 10, #12] "coroner" (VERY
sick 8) (September 26, 2011 -
October 2, 2011)
Two fishermen are sitting with their legs in the water when a shark swims up and bites one man's leg off. "A shark has bitten my leg off!" the man screams. "Which one?" asks the other. "How should I know, they all look the same to me!" the first one replies.
Joke
of the week [481 = year 10, #13] "old actors
never die" (October 3, 2011 -
October 9, 2011)
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Joke
of the week [482 = year 10, #14] "old burglars
never die" (October 10, 2011 -
October 16, 2011)
Old burglars never die, they just steal away.
Joke
of the week [483 = year 10, #15] "old dentists
never die" (October 17, 2011 -
October 23, 2011)
Old dentists never die, they just lose their pull.
Joke
of the week [484 = year 10, #16] "old doctors
never die" (October 24, 2011 -
October 30, 2011)
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Joke
of the week [485 = year 10, #17] "old chemists
never die" (October 31, 2011 -
November 6, 2011)
Old chemists never die, they just don't react anymore.
Joke
of the week [486 = year 10, #18] "old judges never die" (November
7, 2011 -
November 13, 2011)
Old judges never die, they just cease to try.
Joke
of the week [487 = year 10, #19] "old policemen
never die" (November 14, 2011 -
November 20, 2011)
Old policemen never die, they just cop out*. *to cop out: http://www.dict.cc/?s=to+cop+out or: *to cop it: http://www.dict.cc/?s=to+cop+it
Joke
of the week [488 = year 10, #20] "old professors
never die" (November 21, 2011 -
November 27, 2011)
Old professors never die, they just lose their faculties*. *faculties: http://www.dict.cc/?s=faculties
Joke
of the week [489 = year 10, #21] "old frogs
never die" (November 28, 2011 -
December 4, 2011)
Old frogs never die, they just croak*. *(sick) pun on the literal versus the slang meaning of "to croak": http://www.dict.cc/?s=to+croak
Joke
of the week [490 = year 10, #22] "old yachtsmen
never die" (December 5, 2011 -
December 11, 2011)
Old yachtsmen never die, they just keel over* *pun on the literal versus the informal meaning of "to keel over": http://www.dict.cc/?s=to+keel+over
Joke
of the week [491 = year 10, #23] "old bridgelayers
never die" (December 12, 2011 -
December 18, 2011)
Old bricklayers never die, they just throw in the trowel*. *pun on "trowel" versus" towel" a) www.dict.cc/?s=to+throw+in+the+towel b) www.dict.cc/?s=trowel
Joke
of the week [492 = year 10, #24] Early CHRI$TMA$
shopping (December 19, 2011 -
December 25, 2011)
It
was coming up to Christmas and the Judge was in a jolly frame of mind.
"Now then, please tell me, what is the charge against you?"
" I was caught doing my Christmas shopping very early." replied the
man in the dock.
"That doesn't seem like an offence to me. What do you mean by 'very early?
"Well, your Honour." said the defendant, "It was before the shop
was open."
More CHRI$TMA$ jokes: #23;
#24;
#73;
#74;
#75;
#127;
#128;
#179;
#180;
#230;
#231;
#232;
#284;
#336; #388;
#440;
#441;
Joke
of the week [493 = year 10, #25] CHRI$TMA$
& NEW YEAR (December
26, 2011 -
January 1, 2012)
People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.
Joke
of the week [494 = year 10, #26] playing cards (January
2, 2012 -
January 8, 2012)
David is complaining to his friend Peter: "I was playing poker with Bob the other night, and he kept cheating." "How do you know he was cheating?" asks Peter. "Well," answers David, "he wasn't playing the cards I dealt him."
Joke
of the week [495 = year 10, #27] changing a light
bulb (poets) (January 9, 2012 -
January 15, 2012)
Q: How many poets
does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle and one to change the
light bulb.
see also: #283;
#350;
#351;
#357;
#408;
#409;
Joke
of the week [496 = year 10, #28] changing a light
bulb (men) [naughty!](January
16, 2012 -
January 22, 2012)
Q: How
many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to listen to him brag about the screwing.
see also: #283;
#350;
#351;
#357;
#408;
#409;
Joke
of the week [497 = year 10, #29] changing a light
bulb (jugglers) (January 23, 2012 -
January 29, 2012)
Q: How
many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he'll need three light bulbs.
see also: #283;
#350;
#351;
#357;
#408;
#409;
Joke
of the week [498 = year 10, #30] changing a light
bulb (Floridians) (January 30, 2012 -
February 5, 2012)
Q: How
many Floridians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't know for sure, they are still counting.
see also: #283;
#350;
#351;
#357;
#408;
#409;
Joke
of the week [499 = year 10, #31] changing a light
bulb (archaeologists) (February 6, 2012 -
February 12, 2012)
Q: How
many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.
see also: #283;
#350;
#351;
#357;
#408;
#409;
Joke
of the week [500!!! = year 10,
#32] changing a light
bulb (witches) (February 13, 2012 -
February 19, 2012)
Q: How
many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Into what?
see also: #283;
#350;
#351;
#357;
#408;
#409;
Joke
of the week [501 = year 10, #33] changing a light
bulb (lawyers) (February 20, 2012 -
February 26, 2012)
Q: How
many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
see also: #283;
#350;
#351;
#357;
#408;
#409;
Joke
of the week [502 = year 10, #34] changing a light
bulb (computer programmers) (February
27, 2012 -
March 4, 2012)
Q: How
many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
see also: #283;
#350;
#351;
#357;
#408;
#409;
Joke
of the week [503 = year 10, #35] changing a light
bulb (stockbrokers) (March
5, 2012 -
March 11, 2012)
Q: How
many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it
before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
see also: #283;
#350;
#351;
#357;
#408;
#409;
Joke
of the week [504 = year 10, #36] changing a light
bulb (football managers*) (March
12, 2012 -
March 18, 2012)
Q: How
many football managers* does it take to change a light
bulb?
*"football manager" (in German): Fußballtrainer!
A: Who knows, they're never around long enough for anyone to find out.
see also: #283;
#350;
#351;
#357;
#408;
#409;
Joke
of the week [505 = year 10, #37] changing a light
bulb (Amish) (March
19, 2012 -
March 25, 2012)
Q: How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What is a light bulb?
see also: #283;
#350;
#351;
#357;
#408;
#409;
Joke
of the week [506 = year 10, #38] changing a light
bulb (actors 1) (March
26, 2012 -
April 1, 2012)
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
see also: #283;
#350;
#351;
#357;
#408;
#409;
Joke
of the week [507 = year 10, #39] changing a light
bulb (actors 2) (April
2, 2012 -
April 8, 2012)
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten. One to change the light bulb and nine to say it should be me up there.
see also: #283;
#350;
#351;
#357;
#408;
#409;
Joke
of the week [508 = year 10, #40] changing a light
bulb (cockroaches) (April
2, 2012 -
April 8, 2012)
Q: How many
cockroaches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hard to tell. As soon as the light comes on, they scatter.
see also: #283;
#350;
#351;
#357;
#408;
#409;
Joke
of the week [509 = year 10, #41] changing a light
bulb (cops) (April
9, 2012 -
April 15, 2012)
Q: How many
cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
see also: #283;
#350;
#351;
#357;
#408;
#409;
Joke
of the week [510 = year 10, #42] changing a light
bulb (mystery writers) (April
16, 2012 -
April 22, 2012)
Q: How many
mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to give it a good twist at the end.
see also: #283;
#350;
#351;
#357;
#408;
#409;
Joke
of the week [511 = year 10, #43] changing a light
bulb (April
23, 2012 -
April 29, 2012)
Q:
How many librarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I don't know, but I can look it up for you.
Joke
of the week [512 = year 10, #44] old age (1)
(April 30, 2012 -
May 6, 2012)
A
65-year-old millionaire marries a 20-year-old model.
"You lucky devil, how did you manage that?" his friend asks.
Easy," replies the millionaire, "I told her I was 95."
Joke
of the week [513 = year 10, #45] old age (2):
the hereafter
(May 7, 2012 -
May 13, 2012)
"When you get to be my age, you'll start thinking more about the hereafter," an elderly man says to a young man. "Why do you say that?" the young man asks. "Well," the old man replies, "at least once a day I go into a room and think: 'What did I come here after?'"
Joke
of the week [514 = year 10, #46] old age (3):
105th birthday
(May 14, 2012 -
May 20, 2012)
Mrs Bradshaw, a retired schoolteacher from Evesham in Worcestershire, is celebrating her 105th birthday and the local newspaper sends a reporter to interview her. "Well, Mrs Bradshaw," the reporter asks, "what is the best thing about being 105?" "No peer pressure," the old lady answers.
Joke
of the week [515 = year 10, #47] old age (4):
the singalong
(May 21, 2012 -
May 27, 2012)
Cliff Richard goes to an old people's home to host a singalong but is surprised to discover that none of the residents recognize him. Puzzled, he takes an old lady aside and says: "Excuse me, do you have any idea who I am?" "Sorry, dear," says the old lady,"but you ask one of the nurses and they'll tell you."
Joke
of the week [516 = year 10, #48] Tschörrmann
accent (May 28, 2012 -
June 3, 2012)
A
German jumps into a river to save a dog from drowning.
"Are you a vet?" asks a passer-by.
"Vet?" answers the German, "I'm bloody zoaking!"
Joke
of the week [517 = year 10, #49] posh accent
(June 4, 2012 -
June 10, 2012)
Prince
Charles arrives in Iran on an official visit. He says to the President, "Where's
the Shah?"
"What do you mean?" says the President. "We got rid of the Shah
years ago."
"Okay," says Prince Charles. "In that case I take a bath."
Joke
of the week [518 = year 10, #50] "bleedingly"
rude (June 11, 2012 -
June 17, 2012)
An Essex girl is in a traffic accident and a paramedic rushes to help her. "Where are you bleeding from?" he asks her. "Well, since you ask," replies the girl, "I'm from bleeding Romford."
Joke
of the week [519 = year 10, #51] Tschörrmann
accent (June 18, 2012 -
June 24, 2012)
I
was having lunch with a German friend one day when he started coughing and
clutching his throat and going red in the face. "What's wrong?" I
asked . "Are you choking?" "No,"my friend gasped. "I'm zeerriez."
Joke
of the week [520 = year 10, #52] On
speaking foreign languages (June 25, 2012 -
July 1, 2012)
Somebody
who can speak two languages is bilingual
Somebody who can speak three languages is trilingual.
Someone who can speak four or more languages is multilingual.
What do you call somebody who can speak only one language???
.........BRITISH!
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