Q: What is a cursor? A: Someone having computer problems.
2) Q: What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A: A URLologist.
3) Q: Why did the lumberjack get nowhere on the internet? A: He kept logging on and off.
A young boy was watching his mother sift through and delete a long list of junk e-mails on the computer screen. 'This reminds me of the Lord's Prayer,' the boy said. 'What do you mean?' the mother asked. 'Well, you know,' the boy answered, 'that part which says "deliver us from e-mail".'
Bang Mai Ne .......... I bumped into the coffee table
12) Ar U Wun Tu .............. A gay liberation greeting
13) Chin Tu Fat ................. You need a face lift
14) Dum Gai ...................... A stupid person
15) Gun Pao Der ............... An ancient Chinese invention
more Chinese jokes: #138, #139, #140, #316, #317, 318, 319
Flung Dung ............. Which one of you fertilized the field?
17) Hu Yu Hai Ding ............ We have reason to believe you are harbouring a fugitive
18) Kum Hia ....................... Approach me
19) Lao Zi ........................... Not very good
20) Lin Ching ..................... An illegal execution
more Chinese jokes: #138, #139, #140, #315, #317, 318, 319
Lei Ying Lo ................... Staying out of sight
22) No Pah King ................. This is a tow away zone
23) Wai Yu Mun Ching ...... I thought you were on a diet
24) Wai Yu Kum Nao ......... Our meeting is scheduled for next week
25) Wai You So Tan ........... Did you go to the beach?
more Chinese jokes: #138, #139, #140, #315, #316, 318, 319
who drive like hell, bound to get there.
7) Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
8) Crowded elevator smell different to midget
9) Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
10) Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
more Chinese jokes: #138, #139, #140, #315, #316, 317, 319
11) House without bathroom, uncanny.
12) Two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn
13) He who have last laugh, not get joke.
14) When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.
15) People who make Confucius joke speak bad English.
more Chinese jokes: #138, #139, #140, #315, #316, 317, 318
To be read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension). This was nominated "best email of 1997".
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and
room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far
East Economic Review:
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye.. Ruin sorbees.. morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh.. yes.. I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
RS: "Ow July den?... pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem... crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!... why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No.. just put the bother on the side."
G: "I mean butter... just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy... tea... mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy.... rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
G: "You're welcome."
drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."
The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this handrail is far too low down."
obnoxious drunk stumbles through the front door of a bar and orders a whisky.
The bartender says, "Sorry, chum, but you're too drunk."
A few minutes later, the drunk comes in through the back door. Again he slurs, "Gimme a drink," and the bartender says, "No man, I told you last time - you're too drunk."
Five minutes later the guy comes in through the bathroom window and orders a drink. Again the bartender says, "You're too drunk."
The drunk scratches his head and says "Blimey, I suppose I must be. The last two places said the same thing."
walks into a bar with his Golden Retriever. "Hey, can I get a drink on the
house if my dog talks to you?" The barman laughs, "Dogs can't talk,
pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not,
you're barred." "OK," says the guy. He turns to his dog,
"OK, fella. Tell me, what's on top of your doghouse?" "Roof!"
The man turns and smiles at the barman. "THAT ain't talking! Any dog can
bark!" "OK, boy. Tell me, how does sandpaper feel?" "Ruff!"
"What the hell are you tryin' to pull, mister?" "OK, OK,"
says the man. "One more question, please. OK, buddy, tell me, who is the
greatest ball player who ever lived?" "Ruth*)!"
The barman beats the hell out of the guy and throws him onto pavement outside of
the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog gets up and looks at his
owner. "Geez. D'ya think I shoulda said DiMaggio**)?"
*) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Babe_Ruth **) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joe_DiMaggio
John Wayne enters a bar. Everybody stops drinking and an uneasy silence fills the room. They are all aware that the fastest hand in the West has entered the room and they all get out of his way. John sits at the bar and orders a whisky. The cowboy next to him tries to play it cool and not attract attention. John looks at him and says: "Two plus two?" The guy is so scared that he can barely talk. He manages to say: "What?" John fixes his glare on him and repeats: "Two plus two. Answer me NOW!" The guy is now completely terrified, but realizes he had better answer. He starts thinking really hard and does his best to add the two numbers. He comes up with the answer: "Five?" A few seconds later he is dead from a shot in the head. John puts his gun back and orders another whisky. The barman, shocked, manages to ask: "Excuse me, Mr Wayne, but why did you shoot him?" John drinks his whisky, looks at the barman and says: "The man knew too much."
A Texan walks into a bar in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says: "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give 500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back*)." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up ten pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all ten of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back*). The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies: "Oh, ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first." *) back-to-back: consecutively, one after another, in a row
wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would
like to talk to Mr Timothy Brown, who, I understand, is a tried*)
and trusted employee of yours."
The manager said, "Yes, he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried*) as soon as we catch him." *) pun on the different meanings of "tried"
Crazy/silly question: Q: What's a
doughnut? A: Someone who is crazy about money.
2) A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. Geddit?
3) Inland Revenue: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
If we really did profit from our mistakes, I'd be extremely rich by now.
2) I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/the-buck-stops-here.html
3) A will is a dead give-away. Geddit? http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/dead_giveaway
suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher who's hand was caught in the
gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Palin and her bid.
The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Palin is a 'Post Turtle'". picture of a "post turtle"
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top - that's a 'post turtle".
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, and she doesn't know what to do while she's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dummy put her up there to begin with".
"You know. People really like Barack Obama because he's an inspirational speaker. But he was not the first one -- I was checking my presidential history -- he was not the first candidate to use the phrase 'Yes we can!' Bill Clinton frequently used that on interns." David Letterman
Q: Why did David Letterman and Jay Leno vote for Obama? A: Because
they had run out of George Bush jokes.
2) Q: Why did Jane Fonda vote for Obama? A: Because Ho Chi Min is dead.
How many Obamas does it take to
change a light bulb? A: Only
one, but it has to be a change the light bulb can believe in.
Who's there? knock-knock jokes galore: www.knock-knock-joke.com/
John McCain. Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knock-knock_joke
John McCain who?
Oh, sorry. It's just George Bush again.
A one-dollar bill meets a twenty-dollar bill. "Hey, where have you been?" asks the one-dollar bill. "I haven't seen you round in a while." The twenty-dollar bill replies, "I've been here and there, you know, hanging out at the casino and places like that. I went on a cruise in January, went round the Caribbean a few times, then back home, went to a couple of football games, did some shopping, the movies, that kind of stuff, never a dull moment. So how about you?" The one-dollar bill sighs and replies, "Just the same old stuff: church, church, church!"
A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing,
he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so
bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and
poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to
do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach.
Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach
chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the
pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the
page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell
you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife
and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a
mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with
money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his
The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I
suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"And what were the first words you saw?"
Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because the angel said "No L!"
2) Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it "soots" him!
3) Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.
There were two blondes*
who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours
of subzero temperatures a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned
to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care
whether it's decorated or not!"
* for "blondes" insert any other minority known for their stupidity, such as "red-necks", "Irishmen" or, in a German context, "East Frisians"
A blonde* named Barbara appeared on Who Wants To
Be A Millionaire...
Host: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left. The next question will give you the million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go."
Host: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it...
"Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."
Barbara: "It's a cuckoo."
Host: "You're sure? You can walk with the $500,000 or play on for the
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C - Cuckoo."
Host: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Host: "Are you confident?"
Host: "Barbara ..... you had $500,000 and you said C - Cuckoo. Well .... you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping their champagne. Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
"It was so simple," Barbara replied, "Everybody knows that
cuckoos live in clocks."
Did you hear about the blonde* who went to the library and checked out a book called How To Hug?
She got back home and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia.
2) What did the blonde* say to the physicist?
"Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do I use for bait?"
3) Did you hear about the blonde* who, at the bottom of a form where it said 'sign here', wrote 'Pisces'?
* for "blonde" insert a member of a any other minority known for their stupidity, such as "red-neck", "Irishman" or, in a German context, "East Frisian"
tourist groups, one made up of all blondes* and one
of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend in Las Vegas. The
brunettes ride in the bottom of the bus and the blondes ride on the top level.
The brunettes down below are whooping it up and having a great time when one of
them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides
to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all
blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the
seats in front of them. The brunette says, "What's going on up here? We're
having a great time downstairs!" One of the blondes says, "Yeah, but
you've got a driver!"
* for "blondes" insert any other minority known for their stupidity, such as "red-necks", "Irishmen" or, in a German context, "East Frisians"
you know the capital of Alaska?
A: Sure, but I asked YOU!.
2) A: I say, I say, I hear your wife's gone to the West Indies. Jamaica?
B: No, she went of her own accord.
Murphy applied for a position at an Irish firm. An American applied for the same job and as both applicants had the same qualifications the manager asked them to take a test. Upon completing the test both men had missed one question. The manager said to Murphy, "Thanks for your interest, but we've given the job to the American." Murphy said, "Why would you do that? We both got nine questions correct. This is Ireland and I'm Irish. I should get the job!" The manager replied, "Well, we based our decision on the question you missed." "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" Murphy wanted to know. "Well", replied the manager, "that's simple. The American's answer to question five was, 'I don't know.' Yours was 'Neither do I'."
Q: Who sends a thousand valentine cards signed Guess
A: A divorce lawyer.
2) Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they had an apple.
3) Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune? see also: #82
A: Because it couldn't get a date.
Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese man were hired at a construction site. The
foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in
charge of sweeping." To the Irishman he says, "You're in charge of
shovelling." To the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a while. I expect the pile to be gone
when I'm back."
But when the foreman returns the sand is untouched. He asks the Irishman why he didn't shovel. "I couldn't get meself no shovel. You left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him nowhere." He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" "I no gotta no broom an' I no finda no Chinaman."
The foreman gets really angry and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere until the Chinese guy jumps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "Supplies!"
Bob and his wife
Susan live in Muncie, Indiana. One winter morning while listening to the radio,
they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow
today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the
snowplow can get through." Susan goes out and moves her**
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Susan goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out.
Susan is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes* exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
* for "blonde" insert any other member of a minority known for their stupidity, such as "red-necks", "Irishmen" or, in a German context, "East Friesians"
** How come only Susan seems to own a car? Either Bob failed his driving test (repeatedly ???) or he is too poor to afford a car of his own or his driver's licence
had been revoked (probably because he had been driving "while under the influence").
Picasso once visited a cabinet maker to commission a mahogany wardrobe for his chateau in the south of France. To illustrate the design he had in mind, he drew a sketch showing its shape and dimensions. Handing it to the craftsman, Picasso asked: "How much will it cost?" "Nothing," the cabinet-maker replied,"just sign the sketch."
Jenkins, a 5th grade teacher at Muncie High School, Indiana, set her class
the following math problem: "A wealthy man dies and leaves behind ten
million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son,
one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, little Johnnie raised his hand and
Miss Jenkins asked him for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice,
little Johnnie answered, "A lawyer!"
lawyers & judges: #7, #25, #68, #89, #90, #91, #175, 239, 263, 348, 349
priest, a psychiatrist and a lawyer are together in a sailing ship when the boat
capsizes. In danger of drowning they decide that one of them should swim through
the dangerous waters to the shore for help. The lawyer volunteers. The priest
says, "You'll get killed, there are hundreds of hungry sharks between here
and the land. We'll just have to pray, God will save us."
"Bullshit", the lawyer shouts and jumps into the water and swims off.
As he swims towards the shore the sharks let him through. "That's a miracle,"
says the priest. "No, that's professional courtesy," says the
lawyers & judges: #7, #25, #68, #89, #90, #91, #175, 239, 263, 347, 349
ask a lawyer what his fee is.
"I charge $100 for three questions," the lawyer says.
"That's terribly expensive, isn't it?"
"Yes," the lawyer replies, "now what's your final question?"
lawyers & judges: #7, #25, #68, #89, #90, #91, #175, 239, 263, 347, 348
How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
see also: #283, #351, #357
How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but that light bulb really has to want to change!
see also: #283, #350, #357
magician on a cruise ship was performing the highlight of the show when a parrot
flew onstage and squawked, "It's in his sleeve!"
The magician chased the bird away.
The next day the magician was performing his highlight again, when the parrot flew onstage and declared, "It's in his pocket!"
The next day, during his show, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin his magic trick, the ship hit an iceberg and sank.
The magician managed to find a plank to hang on to. On the other end of the plank was the parrot.
They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, until finally the parrot said, "I give up, what did you do with the ship?"
A man went into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The owner pointed to three identical looking parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot on the left costs $ 500." "Why so much?" asked the man. The owner replied, "Well, that parrot knows how to use a computer." Then the man asked about the next parrot. The owner said, "This parrot costs $ 1000. It can do everything the other parrot can, plus it knows how to program in several different languages." The increasingly startled man asked about the third parrot. The owner said that it cost $ 2000 and, of course, the man had to ask, "Well, what can it do?" The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen it do anything, but the other two call him boss."
After driving for about eight hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by someone knocking on the door of his cab. Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger. "Yeah, it's 5:30," answers the trucker. He falls asleep again only to be woken by another jogger who, too, wants to know the time. "It's 5:40!" yells the trucker. Really needing to catch some sleep before he can continue driving, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON'T KNOW THE TIME. He sticks the paper behind his windscreen. But hardly has he fallen asleep again when he is awoken again by yet another jogger who tells him, "Glad to oblige, it's 5:45."
A priest woke up one Sunday morning and looking outside he saw that it was a beautiful day. He decided to skip church and go play a round of golf instead. He drove about 40 miles out of town to avoid being spotted by his parishioners. As he was setting up his first drive on the first hole, Jesus leaned over to God and asked him, "Are you going to let him get away with this?" God told him not to worry, he would handle it. Just as God said that, the priest hit the drive of his life. The ball travelled 500 feet to the green, bounced once and rolled into the hole. The priest stabbed the air with his right fist in ecstatic joy, shouting, "Wow, what a shot!" Jesus asked God, "Why would you let him do that?" To which God only replied, "Because, who is he going to tell?"
A man was taken to the Sisters of Mercy Hospital for surgery. The operation went well and, as the man regained consciousness, he was visited by one of the Sisters. "Mr Hoskins, you are going to be just fine," said the nun. "But we need to know how you intend to pay for your stay here. Do you have insurance?" "No, I don't," the man whispered. "Can you pay in cash?", persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Do you have any close relatives?" the nun asked. "Just my sister. But she's a humble spinster nun just like yourself." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr Hoskins. Nuns are not 'spinsters'. They are married to God." "Wonderful," said Mr Hoskins. "In that case, just send the bill to my brother-in-law."
How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One hundred: One to hold the light bulb and the other 99 to rotate the house.
see also: #283, #350, #351
veddy (sic) proper English gentlemen meet in their club one
"I say, Sir Percival" says Lord Bottomley, "have you seen Sir Cecil lately?"
Sir Percival looks a bit taken aback, and says "Sir Cecil? Yes, well, bad show that. Buried him last Tuesday."
"Buried! Really?" stammers Bottomley.
"Oh, yes. Quite. Had to. Dead, you know. see also: joke #369
Exchange of telegrams between G. B. Shaw and Winston
George Bernard Shaw sends the following telgram to Winston Churchill: "Reserved you two tickets for my opening night. Bring friend, if you have one."
Churchill replies as follows: "Unable to attend opening night, will attend 2nd night, if you have one."
Lady Nancy Astor and Winston Churchill
Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if I were your wife, I’d poison your tea.
Winston Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it.
Bessie Braddock and Winston Churchill
Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk.
Winston Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.
war it does not matter who is right, but who is left.
Q: What do cavemen and Paris Hilton have in common? A: They both like
to go clubbing!
2) Q: How do you make a caveman burn his ear? A: Phone him up while he’s ironing!
Seeing a dog fall into a river a German guy jumps in and saves it from drowning. "That was amazing," remarks a bystander. "Are you a vet?" "Wet?" replies the German. "I'm totally soaking!"
THAT CONCLUDES THE SEVENTH YEAR OF "JOKE OF THE WEEK", 364 JOKES ALTOGETHER !!!!