FUNNY HAHA, FUNNY PECULIAR: TAKE YOUR PICK! HERE BEGINS YEAR FOUR:
guy walks into a bar, and the only other patron is a seal sitting at the far end
of the room. After a few minutes, the seal shouts to the man, "I like the
way you smell." Confused, the man ignores the compliment. A few more
minutes and the seal shouts, "You've got a great haircut." The man
continues to ignore the seal. After a few more of these compliments, the man
asks the bartender about the animal. "That's our Seal of Approval,"
the bartender replies.
cf. the very FIRST joke in this collection: joke #1
A wife walks into the kitchen and sees her husband holding a fly swatter. She asks him, "Why are you holding the fly swatter?" The husband says, "I'm killin' flies." She asks, "Well, have you killed any yet?" He says, "Yep, three males and two females." The wife, puzzled, says, "How can you tell what sex they are?" The husband replies "Well, three were on a beer can, and two were on the phone."
the difference between an American public school teacher and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Why do you always see opossums dead on the road?
A: Chickens use them to check for traffic.
Q: Why did the spider cross the road?
A: To get to another web site.
Q: Why did the hedgehog cross the road
A: To see his flatmate.
A duck goes into a drugstore to ask for lip gloss. The salesperson asks: "Cash or credit card?" The duck replies: "Just put it on my bill." cf. duck joke (1)
Three old ladies meet on
the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had
difficulty in hearing each other.
"It's windy," said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the next.
"So am I ", said the third. "Let's go and have a drink."
Greenspan was showing off. "I bought a hearing aid yesterday. I cost me three thousand bucks and it's state of the art." His friend Silversteen replied: "What make is it, is it a Siemens one? You know President Reagan used one of those, even though it was pretty useless in his case." "Well, yes," Greenspan answered, "it's half past two."
Three old men were at the doctor's for a memory test. The doctor asked the first old man: "What is two times two?" "194," came the reply. The doctor turned to the second old man. "What is two times two?" "Thursday," replied the second old man. Finally the doctor addressed the third old man. "What is two times two?" "Four," came the answer. "That's great", said the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," said the third old man. "I subtracted 194 from Thursday!"
A guy walks into a bar and
says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Irish joke ..." The
barkeeper glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice, "Before you go
on telling that joke, you should know that I'm Irish, both bouncers are Irish
and so are most of my customers." "Okay," says the guy, "I'll
tell it very slowly."
Irish joke (1) Irish joke (2) Irish joke (3) Irish joke (4) Irish joke (6)
There was a terrible fog in Ireland. Two drivers collided. They groped their
way out of their cars and approached each other. "I had right of way!"
said the first. "Possibly, but it doesn't matter," replied the other.
"We're in my garage."
Irish joke (1) Irish joke (2) Irish joke (3) Irish joke (4) Irish joke (5)
Rabbi Levy had to spend
time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse
there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall
She asked him good-naturedly. "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"
"Oh, Sister," chuckled Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough." Rabbi Levi (2)
Abe goes to see his Rabbi.
"Rabbi Levy, something terrible is happening and I have to talk about
Rabbi Levy asks, "What's wrong, Abe?"
Abe replies, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi is very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"
Abe then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
Abe anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison." Rabbi Levy (1)
The Hebrew people were sitting around Mt. Sinai. For hours now, Moses had been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling down. The end of the day was approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came through the clouds and walked down the steep mountainside carrying a heavy load. It was Moses. Moses set down his load and raised his hands. "Friends," he said, friends, it was hard work and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him. I used every possible argument I could think of - and I think I was successful. The good news: I brought Him down from fifteen to ten. The bad news: adultery is still in."
A husband and wife cannot decide who should brew the coffee in the morning. "You should do it. You get up first, so we wouldn't have to wait so long to get our coffee," says the wife. "No, you should do it. You do the cooking," says the husband. "No, you should do it. It says in the Bible that the husband should do it," says the wife. The husband replies, "I don't believe that. Show me." So she opens the Bible to the New Testament and shows him the book called "Hebrews."
Pete: "I somehow
thought my degree in psychology, politics and economics would help me to get a
better job. I'm really disappointed."
Tom: "Don't be so pessimistic. At least you understand why you can't get a job."
Q: Have you seen Quasimodo? A:
I have a hunch he's back!
2) Q: What did the little ghost have in his rock collection? A: Tombstones.
3) Q: What do you call a monster with no neck? A: The Lost Neck Monster.
4) Q: What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant? A: Spare ribs.
5) Q: What happens when a ghost haunts a theater? A: The actors get stage fright.
6) Q: What is a witch's favourite subject in school? A: Spelling.
7) Q: What is the tallest building in Transylvania? A: The Vampire State Building.
8) Q: What kind of key opens a coffin? A: A skeleton key
An archeologist was digging
in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After
examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3000-year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure! the excited scientist exclaimed.
The curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later the curator called the archeologist, "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
Once upon a time, there were four people: Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody. Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did. When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Somebody would it. Consequently, Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.
Lucifer himself visited a lawyer's office and made an offer. "I can arrange some things for you," the devil told the lawyer. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you will have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment, then asked, "What's the catch?"
St Peter and Satan one day decided to organise a game of baseball. Satan proposed the game to be played on neutral ground between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. "That's fine by me," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realise, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches." "I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
A football coach walked into a locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I'll do is this: I'll ask you a math question and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is 2 plus 2?" The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right. Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
Taxiing down the tarmac, a plane abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "So it took an hour to fix the problem?" the passenger asked. "No," he replied, "it took us an hour to find another pilot."
A woman went to the post office to buy some stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination", asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran and 10 Presbyterian."
Question: Why is
Christmas just like a day at the office?
Answer: You do all the work and a fat guy in a fancy suit gets all the credit.
A policeman sees a car driving along the highway at only 22 miles per hour and thinks, "Driving this slowly is as dangerous as speeding!" So he stops the car. Four elderly ladies are inside, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The lady who is driving asks, "Officer, what have I done wrong? I was doing 22, exactly the speed limit!" Smiling, the officer explains that '22' is the name of the route, not the speed limit. "But before you go on," says the policeman, " is everyone in the car alright? The other ladies look like they're really afraid - and they haven't said a word." "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We've just left Route '119'."
It was the opening day of
the big winter sale. Rumours and the advertising in the local paper were the
main reason for the long queue that had formed by 8:30, the opening time, in
front of the shop.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the queue, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the queue again. As he got up a second time, he said to the person at the end of the line: "That does it! If they hit me once more, I won't open the shop!"
"Do you believe in
life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir," the employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped by to see you."
Jimmy MacBraintwit had heard a rumour that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays. So, on his 21st birthday Jimmy and his cousin Bobby MacBraintwig went to the nearby loch. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted. They rented a boat and started rowing. When they had reached the middle of the loch, Jimmy stepped off the side of the boat ... and nearly drowned. Furious and somewhat ashamed, he and Bobby headed for home. When he arrived back at the family farm, Jimmy asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can't I walk on water like my father and his father, and his father before him?" The feeble old grandmother took Jimmy by the hands, looked into his eyes and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January ... you were born in July."
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. I'll have a pint of beer and a double whisky for Tiny here," he says. Curious, the barman asks, "Why is he called tiny?" To which the man replies, "because he's my newt." (geddit?)
Two trucks loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a London publishers last Friday, according to the Times. Witnesses were said to be stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied ...
Ingenious Simultaneous Translator
A famous writer who was visiting Japan was invited to give a lecture at a university to a large group of students. As most of them could not understand spoken English, he had to have an interpreter.
During his lecture he told an amusing story which went on for rather a long time. At last he stopped to allow the interpreter to translate it into Japanese, and was very surprised when the man did this in a few seconds, after which all the students laughed loudly.
After the lecture, the writer thanked the interpreter for his good work and then said to him, "Now please tell me how you translated that long story of mine into such a short Japanese one."
"I didn't tell the story at all," the interpreter answered with a smile. "I just said, 'The honourable lecturer has just told a funny story. You will all laugh, please'."
"Proficient": Good enough at angling to turn professional.
2) "Superficial": Sort of like an official but much better at one's job.
3) "Unabated": Fishhook without a worm.
4) "Relay swimmers": To win a race, swimmers pool their efforts.
"Bacteria": Rear entrance to the cafeteria.
2) "Triage": The number of years that an oak or pine has been alive.
3) "Paradox": Two doctors.
4) "Coma": Italian device for brushing your hair.
5) "Plastic surgery": Cutting up your credit cards.
6) "Insane": What you end up in if you jump off a bridge in Paris.
7) "Intravenous drip": Light rain, on planet Venus.
policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing
his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the state-wide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to buy a driver's license, and maybe some insurance too" he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip,
set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he can have a free drink if he shows him something unbelievable? The bartender says alright, it's a deal, go ahead. So the man puts a hamster and two frogs on the table in front of him and all of a sudden the two frogs jump up and down and start into a Broadway medley. All the other customers watch in astonishment and one of them says, "That's amazing, I'll give you $1,000 for the frogs." The man agrees and the customer leaves with the two frogs. The bartender keeps his promise and pours the man his free drink. Then he says to him, "You could have gotten more for the frogs" to which the man replied, "Frogs are easy to come by, but the hamster's a ventriloquist.
priest walks into a bar and asks the first patron "Do you want to go to
heaven?" and the guy replies "Of course, Father" and the priest
tells him to go stand against the wall by the door. The next guy standing at the
bar gets the same question "Do you want to go to heaven?" and the guy
replies "Yes, Father" so he tells him to go stand against the wall by
the door. The priest then goes to the next patron and asks him "Do you want
to go to heaven?" and the guy says "NO!"
The priest is shocked and says "You don't want to go to heaven when you die?" And the guy replies "Well, yes, Father, when I die; I thought you were getting together a group to go right now!"
A Minnesotan comes into a bar in north Arkansas, sits down and orders a sarsparilla. The bartender and patrons look at him curiously. "You're not from these parts, are you?" "No", he says, "I'm from Minnesota." "What do you do in Minnesota", says the bartender. "I'm a taxidermist." More silence and curiosity. "What do you do?", said the bartender. "I mount animals", at which everybody relaxes and the bartender says, "Don't worry boys, he's one of us."
A young man from Texas walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender replies “Ya got any ID”? The young guy replies, “About what”?
Baby seal, first version:
A baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be, stranger?"
The seal replies, "I'll have anything as long as it's not a Canadian club."
Baby seal, second version:
A baby seal walks into a bar, pulls himself up onto the barstool and the bartender says, "What'll you have?" The baby seal replies, "Give me anything but a Canadian club on the rocks."
A pony walks into a bar, and in a low and raspy voice says to the bartender, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Sure buddy, here you are", adding, "sounds like you got a cough." The pony replies, "I'm a little hoarse."
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve alligators here." The fellow asks, "Do you serve lawyers?" The bartender says, "Yes." "Well," says the fellow, "serve the lawyer to the alligator, and I'll have a hamburger!"
A chameleon walks into a bar and sits on a stool. He yells "Hey, how about a beer"! The bartender looks down and asks "Who said that"?
kangarooo walks into a bar. The bartender gawks at him, not believing his eyes.
He's even more amazed when the kangaroo speaks.
"I'll have beer," he says, clearly and in perfect English.
The bartender pours him a beer, and gives him a price. The kangaroo looks at him sharply, then shrugs, reaches into his large front pocket, and provides exact change for the drink. The bartender continues to stare.
Finally, the kangaroo asks, "What are you looking at, bub?"
"Excuse me, it's just that we rarely get kangaroos in here."
"Well," says the kangaroo, "at these prices I'm not surprised."
There was a history professor and a psychology professor sitting on a deck at a nudist colony. The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" The psychology professor replied, "Yes, I think it's from the wicker chairs." (geddit?)
A prison governor is appalled by the poor standard of English used by the inmates in his prison. To rectify this problem he decides to employ a teacher from the local grammar school, to set up remedial classes. In the first lesson, the teacher explains that she is going to start with the basics. "Who knows what comes after a sentence?" she asks. All the prisoners answer together, "The appeal!"
Question: What's the difference between a
hunter and a fisherman?
Answer: A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.
On the sixth day God turned to the archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I'm going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall, majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles and beautiful sparkling lakes teeming with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elks, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so that the inhabitants prosper, and I shall call these inhabitants Canadians. They shall be known as the most friendly people on earth. "But Lord," asked Gabriel, " don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?" "Not really," God replied. "Just wait and see what neighbours I'm going to give them."
Ned Knot was shot and Sam
Shot was not. So it is better to be Shot than Knot.
Some say Knot was not shot, but Shot says he shot Knot. Either the shot Shot shot was not shot, or Knot was shot. If the shot Shot shot shot Knot, Knot was shot, but if the shot Shot shot shot Shot, Shot was shot, not Knot. However: the shot Shot shot shot not Shot, but Knot.
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about football. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral ground between the select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. "Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches." "I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the referees."
A Kiwi was hoping to emigrate to Australia. Upon his arrival in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer. "What is your business in Australia?" "I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply. The customs officer then asked, "Do you have a criminal record?" Confused, the Kiwi then replied, "I didn't think you still needed one."
THAT CONCLUDES THE FOURTH YEAR OF "JOKE OF THE WEEK", 208 JOKES ALTOGETHER !!!!
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