Joke of the week [105 = year 3, #1] Irish joke (2) (July 19 - July 25)
An old Irishman is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his
bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the
boy and says, "Son, it's time for you to get me a Protestant minister."
The son is astounded. "But, Dad!" he protests, "You've been a
good Catholic all your life! You're delirious. It's a priest ye be wanting now,
not a minister. "The old man looks up at him and says, "Son, please.
It's me last request. Get a minister for me!" "But, Dad," cries
the son, "Ye raised me a good Catholic. You've been a good Catholic all
your life. Ye don't want a minister at a time like this!" The old man
manages to croak out the words, "Son, if you respect me and love me as a
father, you'll go out and get me a Protestant minister right now.
"The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the
house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him. As the minister is
leaving the house, he passes Father O'Malley coming quickly through the door.
The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the priest. "I'm afraid
you're too late, Father," he says. "He's a Protestant now."
Father O'Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old man's room.
"Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?" he cries. "You were such a good
Catholic! We went to St. Mary's together! You were there when I performed my
first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like this?"
"Well," the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend. "I
figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of them than one of us."
Joke of the week [106 = year 3, #2] Irish joke (3) (July 26 - August 1)
Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!" When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?" "Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"
Joke of the week [107 = year 3, #3] Irish joke (4) (August 2 - August 8)
Q:
What do you call an Irishman in a tree?
A: A branch manager.
Did you hear about the queer Irishman?
Sorry, these jokes are indeed POLITICALLY INCORRECT!!!
He liked women better than whisk(e)y.
Have you heard about the Irish parachute?
It opens on impact.
Joke of the week [108 = year 3, #4] Welsh joke (1) (August 9 - August 15)
Pronouncing
Welsh place names
Three
tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started
arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the
counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please
settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very
slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr,
gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing."*)
see
also:
funny postcard (6)
funny postcard (7)
funny postcard (8)
funny
postcard (9) funny
postcard (10) funny
postcard (11) funny
postcard (12)
funny
postcard (13) funny
postcard (14)
*)
click
HERE
for the "dumb blonde" version of this joke
Joke of the week [109 = year 3, #5] Welsh joke (2) (August 16 - August 22)
Joke of the week [110 = year 3, #6] Welsh joke (3) (August 23 - August 29)
Welsh weather (1)
When you can see the coast of Devon from Swansea, it is
going to rain.
When you can't, it's raining already.
see
also:
funny postcard (6)
funny postcard (7)
funny postcard (8)
funny
postcard (9) funny
postcard (10) funny
postcard (11) funny
postcard (12)
funny
postcard (13) funny
postcard (14)
Joke of the week [111 = year 3, #7] Welsh joke (4) & cricket (1) (August 30 - September 5)
Welsh weather (2)
And now the latest news from the Glamorgan county cricket ground at St. Helen's
in Swansea:
Two and a half inches of rain have fallen for seven runs.
see
also:
funny postcard (6)
funny postcard (7)
funny postcard (8)
funny
postcard (9) funny
postcard (10) funny
postcard (11) funny
postcard (12)
funny
postcard (13) funny
postcard (14)
Joke of the week [112 = year 3, #8] cricket joke (2) (September 6 - September 12)
Making
it rain
No rain had fallen for months and the group of Indians were faced with a long
drought. Suddenly, one spoke up. 'When I was in England I saw something that
might work. What happens is that two men in white coats go into a field and
hammer six poles into the ground, then another two men with clubs appear and
stand in front of the poles. Then eleven men, also in white, come out holding a
ball, and then, just when they are all spread round the field, that's when the
rain comes pouring down !
Joke of the week [113 = year 3, #9] cricket joke (3) (September 13 - September 19)
Playing on Sunday
George always played cricket on Sunday. This troubled his wife, who asked the
vicar "Is it a sin for him to play on Sunday?"
"It's not a
sin," replied the
vicar. "The way he plays, it's a
crime!"
Joke of the week [114 = year 3, #10] cricket joke (4) (September 20 - September 26)
Do you know who I am? |
Joke of the week [115 = year 3, #11] 3 Spanish jokes (September 27 - October 3)
1)
Doctor, doctor, veo elefantes azules por todas partes.
["Doctor,
doctor, I see blue elephants everywhere."]
- ¿Ha visto ya a un psicólogo?
["Have
you seen a psychologist yet?"]
- No, sólo elefantes azules.
["No,
just blue elephants."
]
2) - Doctor, doctor, ¿qué tal ha ido el parto?
["Doctor,
doctor, how did the birth go?"]
- Bueno, todo muy bien, pero a su hijo le hemos tenido que poner oxígeno.
["Well,
everything very well, but we have had to put on your son [= put your son on]
oxygen." (ponerle = "put on him ")]
- ¿¿Oxígeno?? Con la ilusión que a mí me hacía ponerle Federico...
["Oxygen??
And after my heart was so set on calling him Federico . . . " (ponerle =
"name him")]
3) - Doctor, doctor, tengo tendencias suicidas, ¿qué hago?
["Doctor, doctor, I have suicidal tendencies. What should I do?"]
- Págueme ya mismo.
["Pay me this instant."]
Joke of the week [116 = year 3, #12] more "daft definitions" (October 4 - October 10)
Derange:
de place where de cowboys ride home to.
Disgruntled: a pig that has lost its voice.
Impale: to put in a bucket.
Polygon: a dead parrot.
see also joke #56 &
joke #57 & joke #94 &
joke #95 &
joke #96
Triplets: small journeys.
Joke of the week [117 = year 3, #13] retired Army colonel (October 11 - October 17)
Retired
Army colonel: "I'd like some pepper, my good man."
Shop assistant: "Certainly, sir. What sort would you like - white or
black pepper?"
Retired Army colonel: "Neither. I want toilet pepper!"
Joke of the week [118 = year 3, #14] small boy (1) (October 18 - October 24)
A small boy was peering through a hole in the fence of a nudist colony. His friend, Paul, came up to him and asked: " Tim, what can you see. Are they men or women in there? " "I don't really know," replied Tim, "none of them have got any clothes on."
Joke of the week [119 = year 3, #15] small boy (2) (October 25 - October 31)
Just
outside the church, the small boy found a one pound coin and picked it up.
The vicar saw the boy and said: "Hello! I see you've found a coin. Are you
going to keep it?"
"No, sir," replied the boy.
"Excellent, excellent!" beamed the vicar.
"I'm going to spend it," said the boy."
Joke of the week [120 = year 3, #16] "waiter, waiter ..." (November 1 - November 7)
1)
"Waiter, waiter, what do you recommend?"
"Another restaurant, sir."
2) "Waiter, waiter, this soup tastes
foul."
"That's because it's chicken soup."
Joke of the week [121 = year 3, #17] Dubya (1) (again!) (November 8 - November 14)
Joke of the week [122 = year 3, #18] Dubya (2) (November 15 - November 21)
Joke of the week [123 = year 3, #19] Dubya (3a/b) (November 22 - November 28)
1)
"So far opinion is split on the president's plan (with regard to
holding elections in Iraq and then to withdraw).
Republicans say the outlook
is Sunni
but, as the Democrats say, we may also be in deep Shiite."
—Jay Leno
2)
Q: What's
the difference between Iraq and Vietnam?
A:
George
W. Bush had a plan to get out of Vietnam.
Joke of the week [124 = year 3, #20] talking frog (November 29 - December 5)
An
older gentleman is walking home when he comes upon a frog in the road. When he
picks it up, the frog whispers, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a young
beautiful princess and make all your wildest dreams come true." The
gentleman puts the frog in his pocket and continues to walk home.
A
little while later, the frog pokes its head out of
the
pocket and says, "Didn't you hear me? If you kiss me, I will turn into a
beautiful young princess and cater to your every need." The man looks at
the frog and says, "At my age, I would rather have a talking frog."
Joke of the week [125 = year 3, #21] talking dog (December 6 - December 12)
Version
1
Guy walks into a pet store. As he walks by a pen, he sees a sign that says:
“Talking Dog: $500.”
So
he asks the owner, “Does this dog really talk?”
Owner says “Go ahead, ask him.”
Guy says to the dog “OK, tell me about yourself.”
Dog says, “Well, I was born in Germany and trained by the state to be a guard
dog. After I got my certificate I was sent to New York to an exclusive security
dealer, where Donald Trump found me. I spent two years guarding Trump Towers,
then went to California and worked for Spielberg for three years. Been kicking
back for the last 18 months and just enjoying being a dog.”
The
guy is dumbfounded.
He
says to the shop owner, “Oh my God, that’s amazing. I’ll take him. Why in
the world is he only $500?”
"Because
he's a liar."
Version 2
A man in Florida sees a classified ad, "Talking dog for sale. $50."
The man calls the number and asks the guy who answers, "Do you really have
a talking dog for sale?" The guy says, "Yes, that's right." The
man arranges to go right over and see for himself. He arrives and rings the
bell. The guy tells him, "Come on in." The man goes into the living
room and the guy who's in his lounge chair watching the game tells him the dog
is back in the bedroom. The man goes back to the bedroom and there on the bed is
the dog, watching TV using the remote control. He says, "Are you really a
talking dog?" The dog replies with a sigh, "Oh yes. I've been
able to talk since I was a puppy." The man says, "That's incredible!
How did you end up here in Florida?" The dog replies, "Well, after
obedience school, I ended up working as a police dog, and then joined the Army's
K-9 corps. I served in the first Persian Gulf war sniffing for explosives, then
I served in Kosovo helping to locate bodies, then after 9-11 I helped find human
remains at the World Trade Center site. After all that work, death, and
destruction, I decided to retire to Florida." The man goes back to the
living room and says, "I am just blown away! That dog is incredible! Why in
the world would you want to sell him for $50?" The guy rolls his eyes, and
says loud enough for the dog to hear, "Because he's a big LIAR!"
Joke of the week [126 = year 3, #22] mad cow (December 13 - December 19)
There
were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty
scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the
Johnson Farm."
The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
Joke of the week [127 = year 3, #23] Santa's flight check (December 20 - December 26)
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
Joke of the week [128 = year 3, #24] "push at Christmas" (December 27, 2004 - January 2, 2005)
Give
Me A Push
It was
Christmas Eve. Harry and Shirley had returned from an enjoyable midnight mass at
their local church. They arrived home and spent a short while relaxing by an
open fire before retiring to bed.
Some time in the middle of the night they were awoken by heavy knocking on their
front door. Harry was very unhappy about this. He went downstairs and noisily
unlocked the door to be confronted by dishevelled man who was obviously the worse
for drink.
'Th'cuse me
thur. Will you helpth me with a puth."
"Help you
with a push!" said Harry. "You drunken idiot! Get away from my house before I call the police!
Irresponsible people like you should be banned from driving!" And slammed
the door into the man's face.
He went back to
bed and was astonished to find himself being reprimanded by his wife.
"How could
you be so mean and uncharitable." she said. "Surely this evening's
sermon must still be ringing in your ears. How the innkeeper turned Joseph and
Mary away on Christmas Eve. Here you are presented with the same situation and
you show yourself to be no better than that uncaring man. Shame on you."
Harry was
shocked by the relevance of what he had done and was full of remorse. He ran
down the stairs and opened the front door, but the man was no longer there.
So, he ran down the path to his front gate to see if the man or his car was
along the road; but there was no traffic or people at all.
On the
off-chance that the man might still be around somewhere he shouted loudly.
"Hey mister, needing a push, where are you?
The
unmistakable drunken voice replied immediately. "Over here thur, on the
thwing."
Joke of the week [129 = year 3, #25] Twelve easy-to-keep New Year's Resolutions (January 3 - January 9)
1.
Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Read less.
3. Watch more TV.
4. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
5. Get into a whole NEW rut.
6. Create some loose ends.
7. Get further in debt.
8. Break at least one traffic law.
9. Wait around for opportunity.
10. Focus on the faults of others.
11. Mope about their multitude of faults.
12. Never make New Year's resolutions again.
Joke of the week [130 = year 3, #26] hard work & words (January 10 - January 16)
"I've
just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got
angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got
psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed
by appendectomy."
"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathised his friends.
"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever
had."
Joke of the week [131 = year 3, #27] Brown Paper Pete (January 17 - January 23)
A
cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky.
When
the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks,
"Where
is everybody?"
The
bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging?
Who are they hanging?"
"Brown
Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What
kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well,"
says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown
paper
shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"What's
he hanging for?" asks the cowboy.
"Rustling*),"
answered the bartender.
[*)
If
you don't get this joke,
look up the two meanings of the verb to
rustle.]
Joke of the week [132 = year 3, #28] "train set" (January 24 - January 30)
Two
small-town men were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a
conference.
There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the
party, both men staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while the other
stumbled into a subway entrance.
When the first guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other
emerging from the subway stairs. "Where ya been?" he asked.
"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the
train set that the guy has in his basement!"
Joke of the week [133 = year 3, #29] Why did the chicken cross the road? (A) (January 31 - February 6)
1)
Moses's answer:
And
God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt
cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much
rejoicing.
2) Machiavelli's answer:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares
why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever
motive there was.
3) Voltaire's answer:
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will
defend to the death its right to do it.
4) Immanuel Kant's answer:
The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the
road of his own free will.
5)
Darwin's
answer:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the
trees.
6) Mark Twain's answer:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
7)
Sigmund
Freud's answer:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals
your underlying sexual insecurity.
8) Albert Einstein's answer:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move
beneath the chicken?
9) Ernest Hemingway's answer:
To die. In the rain. Alone.
10) The Sphinx's answer:
You tell me.
Joke of the week [134 = year 3, # 30] Why did the chicken cross the road? (B) (February 7 - February 13)
11)
Martin Luther King Jr.'s answer:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross
roads without having their motives called into question.
12) Richard Nixon's answer:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken
did not cross the road.
13) Ronald Reagan's answer:
Sorry, what was the question again?
14) Bill Clinton's answer:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you
mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
15)
George W. Bush's
answer:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We
just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken
is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
16) Al Gore's answer:
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the
chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different
functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater
services to the American people.
17)
John Kerry's answer:
I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens
right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight
for the chickens and I will not disappoint them
18) Ralph Nader's answer:
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had
been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the
unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels
of a gas-guzzling SUV.
19) Jerry Falwell's answer:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you
people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the
"other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay
too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other
side."
20) Colonel Sanders' (KFC) answer:
I missed one?
Joke of the week [135 = year 3, #31] Why did the chicken cross the road? (C) February 14 - February 20
21)
Pat Buchanan's answer:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
22) L.A.P.D.'s answer:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
23)
Bill
Gates' answer:
I have just released eChicken 2005,
which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your check book - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable
part of eChicken.
24)
Steve
Jobs's (Apple) answer:
Because of the brand-new iChicken- a portable device that crosses roads, lays
eggs, gives wakeup calls and provides dinner, automatically. This amazing device
can simply plug in to the $4000 iCoop to produce additional iChickens and
recharge existing iChickens, or plug it into the $9000 iChop to convert iChicken
files into iFood. iFood-to-Regular Food converters sell for an additional $50/month
fee, however the optional iFood-to-FoodXP converter is still in development.
iChickens are only available from authorized iDealers, which can be found in
nearly every US state. If your iChicken develops a disease or stops working, you
must send it by FedEx Overnight to Littleton, Montana and our iTechnicians will
send you a replacement within 3 months. The
iChicken. Wow!
25)
Arthur
Andersen Consultant's answer:
Deregulation
of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant
market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges
to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.
Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship
with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical
distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry
Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills,
methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s
people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a
Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse
cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson
consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a
two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge
capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each
other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully
architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the
continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like
setting, enabling and creating an impact environment which was strategically
based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent,
clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s
mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the
creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting
helped the chicken change to become more successful.
26) Neil Armstrong's answer:
To go where no chicken has gone before.
27)
Jack
Nicholson's Answer:
'Cause it (expletive
deleted)
wanted to. That's the (expletive
deleted)
reason.
28)
Grandpa's Answer:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that
the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
29)
The Pope's Answer:
That is only for God to know.
30) Douglas Adams's answer:
Forty-two.
Joke of the week [136 = year 3, #32] Why did the chicken cross the road? (D) (February 21 - February 27)
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
The chicken crossed the
road. This fact is rarely disputed. But why
did the chicken cross the road? No fully satisfactory explanation has ever been
given. At the fourth World-Chicken-Crossing-Conference,
held in February 2005 at Henville, Teggsas, a team of distinguished scholars met
to consider this matter in depth, but unfortunately no consensus was reached.
Here follow twenty-five reasons given to explain the behaviour of the chicken. It
is hoped that at the next*) conference further
progress toward a definitive answer will be made.
1.
All the other chickens crossed the road and this one didn't want to
appear different.
2.
All chickens cross roads sometimes and since there were lots of chickens
around it was just a matter of time before some chicken crossed
the road and this chicken was the one.
3.
Because it felt like it.
4.
Because it needed the exercise.
5.
Because it wished to avoid meeting the chicken it saw approaching.
6.
Because that's what chickens do.
7.
God ordained from the time of Creation that this chicken should come into
the world and should cross the road exactly when it did.
8.
Having spent days and nights searching its soul the chicken finally
decided that it had to cross the road and did so.
9.
It all depends on what is meant by "chicken", "road"
and "cross".
10. It
got bored.
11. It
had a death wish.
12. It
had already crossed the road 999 times that day and wanted to make it 1000.
13. It
had always been intending to and finally decided today was the day.
14. It
saw the rooster on the other side and wanted to get laid.
15.
It wanted a change of scenery.
16. It
wanted to be famous.
17. It
wanted to catch the bus into town.
18. It
wanted to show it was not a chicken.
19. It
wanted to show it was a mean mother-fuckin' chicken.
20. It
was a very confused chicken.
21. It
was caught by a freak gust of wind.
22. It
was collecting experiences for its next book.
23. It
was part of a chicken conga line which happened to be crossing the road.
24. It
was trying out its new pair of roller blades on the asphalt.
25. It
was trying to find its roots.
*) to be published in "Joke of the week",
February 2006!
Joke of the week [137 = year 3, #33] An American in Montreal (February 28 - March 6)
An American businessman goes into a
restroom in Montreal. He screams, and comes out looking for the manager. The manager
comes quickly and wants to know what the problem is.
American: "Look here! I turned on the cold water and got scalded!"
Manager: "Oh, I see, monsieur, but you see, the 'c' on the faucet
refers to the French word 'chaud' which means 'hot.' I am sorry for the
confusion." He turns to leave."
American: "Wait a minute, the other tap has a 'c' as well! What's up
with that?"
Manager: "Ah, monsieur, that refers to the English word 'cold.'
Remember, this is a bilingual city..."
Joke of the week [138 = year 3, #34] Confucius says (1-5) (March 7 - March 13)
1)
Man who run in front of car get tired.
2)
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
3)
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
4)
Man
with one chopstick go hungry.
5) War
does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
more Chinese jokes: #139,
#140,
#315, #316,
#317, 318,
319
Joke of the week [139 = year 3, #35] Chinese made easy (1-5) (March 14 - March 20)
1)
Ai Bang Mai Ne: I
bumped into the coffee table
2) Ar U Wun Tu: A gay liberation
greeting
2) Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift
4) Dum Gai: A stupid person
5) Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese
invention
more Chinese jokes: #138,
#140,
#315, #316,
#317, 318,
319
Joke of the week [140 = year 3, #36] Chinese made easy (6-10) (March 21 - March 27)
6) Hu Flung Dung:
Which one of you
fertilized the field?
7) Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to
believe you are harboring a fugitive
8) Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night
talk show host (geddit?)
9) Kum Hia: Approach me
10) Lao Ze:
Not very good
more Chinese jokes: #138,
#139,
#315, #316,
#317, 318,
319
Joke of the week [141 = year 3, #37] Easter Bunny jokes (March 28 - April 3)
Q: How do
bunnies stay healthy?
A:
Eggercise.
Q: Why did the Easter egg hide?
A: He was a little chicken!
Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A: It's been nice gnawing (at) you.
Q: What is the difference between a crazy
bunny and a counterfeit banknote?
A: One is bad money and the other is a mad
bunny!
Q: What do you get when you pour hot water
down a rabbit hole?
A: A hot cross bunny.
Q: What do you call a bunny with a large
brain?
A: An egghead.
Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching
backwards?
A: A receding hareline.
Q: What happened when the Easter Bunny met
the rabbit of his dreams?
A: They lived hoppily ever after!
Q: What do you call a dumb bunny?:
A: A hare brain.
Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A: Bugs Bunny.
Joke of the week [142 = year 3, #38] How to speak Southern (1) (April 4 - April 10)
Aig: What a hen lays.
Aints: He's got aints in his paints.
Paints: What cha put on your laigs of a mornin.
Bag: He bagged her to marry him.
Bobbed: A bobbed wire fence.
Bub: The light bub burned out.
Cheer: What you set in.
Crick: A small stream
Clum: He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon.
Chiny: Country over in Asia.
Joke of the week [143 = year 3, #39] How to speak Southern (2) (April 11 - April 17)
Cyow: Animal on Farm.
Deppity: He helps out the shurf.
Dribbed: He dribbed milk on his shirt.
Dainz: Satidy night social.
Ellum: A graceful tree
Fanger: What you put your rang on.
Faince: Whats round the hawg lot.
Far: What gets the brandin arn hot.
Furred: He got furred from his job.
Flar: A rose is a purdy flar.
Joke of the week [144 = year 3, #40] How to speak Southern (3) (April 18 - April 24)
Frash: Them aigs ain't frash.
Furiners: All non-'bamans.
Grain: She was grain with envy.
Hail: Where bad folks go.
Hern: It aint hern, it's his'n
Hilbilly: People in the next county.
Laymun: A sour fruit.
Liberry: Where you go to check out books for larnin.
Mailk: What you get from cyows.
Mere: What you see your self in.
Joke of the week [145 = year 3, #41] How to speak Southern (4) (April 25 - May 1)
Nar:
Opposite of wide.
Nayk: Your head sets on it.
Orrel: Them hinges need orrel
Ormy: What the sojers go in.
Parch: Sit out on the parch and watch the grass
grow.
Petition: What separates the rooms.
Pokey: What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in
Poke.
Salit: A green vegetable.
Puppet: What the preacher is in.
Purdy: She is purdy as a pitcher.
Joke of the week [146 = year 3, #42] How to speak Southern (5) (May 2 - May 8)
Rah
cheer:
I was born rah cheer in town.
Rainch: A big cyow farm.
Rat: Do it rat now!
Roont: She plum roont
her shoes.
Salary: A stringy vegetable.
Soardeens: Small canned fish.
Shar: A light rain.
Toad strangler: A heavy rain Sody.
Sprang: Water out'n the ground.
Shurf: The Shurf put Clem in jail.
Joke of the week [147 = year 3, #43] Waiter, waiter ... (1) (May 9 - May 15)
1)
“Waiter, waiter, what do you recommend?”
“Another restaurant,
sir”
2) “Waiter, waiter, the service is terrible.”
“Yes sir, but not as bad as the food.”
3) “Waiter, waiter, there’s a spider in my soup.”
“There’s no point in getting the manager, he’s
scared of them, too.”
Joke of the week [148 = year 3, #44] Waiter, waiter ... (2) (May 16 - May 22)
1)
Waiter, waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
What do you expect for $1 - a live one?
2) Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.
Yes sir, it's the fly's day off.
3) Waiter, waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
Joke of the week [149 = year 3, #45] Waiter, waiter ... (3) (May 23 - May 29)
1)
Waiter, waiter, do you have frogs legs ?
No sir, I've always walked like this.
2) Waiter, waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt!
Yes sir, that's because it was only ground this morning.
3)
Waiter, waiter, this soup tastes foul.
Yes sir, that’s because it’s chicken soup.
Joke of the week [150 = year 3, #46] Waiter, waiter ... (4) (May 30 - June 5)
1)
Waiter, waiter, there's a flea in my soup!
I'll tell him to hop it.
2) Waiter, waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Looks like the breast-stroke to me, sir.
3) Waiter, waiter, do you call this a three-course
meal?
That's right, sir. Two chips and a pea.
Joke of the week [151 = year 3, #47] Doctor, doctor ... (1) (June 6 - June 12)
1)
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bee.
Buzz off, can't you see I'm busy?
2) Doctor doctor, I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!
3) Doctor, doctor, I think I'm suffering from Deja
Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?
Joke of the week [152 = year 3, #48] Doctor, doctor ... (2) (June 13 - June 19)
1)
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
2) Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there is two of
me.
One at a time, please.
3) Doctor,
doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?
I never make rash promises!
Joke of the week [153 = year 3, #49] Elephant jokes (2) (June 20 - June 26)
1)
Q: What game do four elephants in a mini play?
A: Squash
2) Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
see also: Elephant jokes
(1) Elephant
jokes (3)
A: It was the chicken's day off.
3) Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.
Joke of the week [154 = year 3, #50] Elephant jokes (3) (June 27 - July 3)
1) Q: What do you get if you cross an
elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
2a) Q:
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
see also: Elephant
jokes(1)
Elephant jokes (2)
A: By removing his batteries!
2b) Q:
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
Joke of the week [155 = year 3, #51] Restaurant joke (July 4 - July 10)
Unusual order
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:
$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye. She calmly writes
down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the
customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, -
"You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time
in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
Joke of the week [156 = year 3, #52] Exam joke (July 11 - July 17)
FINAL
EXAM
INSTRUCTIONS:
Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin
immediately.
HISTORY:
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day,
concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and
Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
MEDICINE:
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected.
You have fifteen minutes.
PUBLIC
SPEAKING:
2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use
any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
BIOLOGY:
Create
life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life
had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable
effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.
MUSIC: Write a
piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a
flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
PSYCHOLOGY: Based on your knowledge of their
works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed
frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II,
Gregory of Nicia, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each
man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
SOCIOLOGY: Estimate the sociological problems
which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your
theory.
ENGINEERING: The disassembled parts of a
high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an
instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will
be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared
to justify your decision.
ECONOMICS: Develop a realistic plan for
refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in
the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light.
Outline a method from all possible points of view, as demonstrated in your
answer to the last question.
POLITICAL
SCIENCE: There is a red telephone on the desk
beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects,
if any.
EPISTEMOLOGY: Take a position for or against truth.
Prove the validity of your stand.
PHYSICS: Explain the nature of matter. Include
in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on
science.
PHILOSOPHY: Sketch the development of human thought, estimate its significance.
Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
GENERAL
KNOWLEDGE: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific. If you finish early, turn
your paper in at the table at the front of the room.
SO MUCH FOR 3 YEARS OF QUALITY JOKES!!!!!!!
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