A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a drink. He takes a sip and hears a voice saying "I like your tie." He feels flattered but can't make out who finds his tie so great. He takes another sip and again there's this voice. This time it says "I like your shirt." He's really puzzled but takes another sip of his drink. Then he hears "I like your haircut." So the man turn to the bartender and says, "I keep hearing this little voice," and the bartender replies, "Oh, that must be the peanuts. They're complimentary tonight."
"I'm here to check your piano", said the tuner, standing out on the doorstep. - "But we didn't call for anyone to do that," said the pianist, confused. - "Actually," said the tuner, "Your neighbours did."
This guy lived on his own and he was feeling a bit lonely, so he goes to the pet shop to get something to keep him company. The pet shop owner suggested an unusual pet, a talking millipede. OK, thought the man, I'll give
it a go, so he bought one and took it home.
That night he decided to test out his new pet, so he opened the box and said, "I'm going to the pub for a drink, do you want to come too?"
But there was no reply.
He tried again, "Oi, millipede, wanna come to the boozer with me?"
Again, no response.
So the man ranted and raved for a bit, but after a while decided to give it one more try before he took the thing back to the shop.
So he took the lid off the box and repeated, "I said I'm going to the pub for a drink, do you want to come?"
"I heard you the first time" snapped the millipede, "I'm just putting my shoes on."
Blond(e) guy joke
A very wealthy guy was having a party at his house. He had everything: Tens of millions in the bank, a 500 acre estate in the country, fast cars, fast women, planes, stocks and shares - in short, anything he wanted.
He was also a little eccentric and had filled his swimming pool with crocodiles.
So at the party he and his friends are all standing around drinking and having a laugh next to the pool, but he was bored. He gets up on the lifeguard's chair and all his friends look up.
He calls for silence and says, "OK, the first person who swims across my pool will get all my money." No one moves.
The guy looks over the crowd and says, "OK, the first person who swims across my pool gets all my money and my house."
Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house, and all my cars and planes." Still, no one moves. Nobody bats an eyelid.
"OK then, lets make it interesting; all my money, my house, my cars and planes, all of my property, all my stocks, my bonds and investments and all the women you can handle - everything I own!"
SPLASH!! Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. There's some blood, but finally he gets out of the pool on the other side.
The crowd went mad and the rich bloke jumps down from the chair and runs over to him. "That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done!
Do you want the money now or later?"
"I don't want the money."
"Do you want the house now or later?"
"I don't want the house."
"Do you want the cars or the planes?"
"I don't want the cars or planes."
"Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?"
"I don't want that either."
"Do you want the girls now or later?"
"I don't want the girls."
The rich man looks at him and says, "Well, what the hell do you want?!?!"
"I want the ****** who pushed me in."
Question: How do you get an Irishman on the
Answer: Tell him the drinks are on the house.
Engineering in Hell
What is yellow and dangerous?
Answer: Shark-infested custard.
slave driver of the Roman galley leered down at his galley slaves and bellowed,
"I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you'll be
getting double rations tonight!"
The slaves rowed on, murmuring among themselves with surprise. The slave driver continued, "The bad news is that this afternoon the commander's son wants to water-ski."
What did the duck say when she bought a
Anwer: "Put it on my bill." cf. duck joke (2)
Bush, could you please explain the concept that lies behind The Axis of Evil.
Answer: Well, that's simple: "They are evil and we axe them."
Chief Rabbi and the Pope are meeting in Rome. The Pope notices an unusually
fancy phone in the Pope's chamber. "What is that phone for?" he asks
the pontiff. "It's my direct line to the Lord." The Holy Father
insists that the Rabbi try it and indeed he is connected to the Lord. After
hanging up, the Rabbi says, "Thank you very much. This is great. But I want
to pay for my call." The Pope refuses but the Rabbi is steadfast and
finally the Pope gives in, "All right, the charges were 100,000 Liras".
The Rabbi pays.
A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem and sees that the Rabbi has a phone identical to his. It is also a direct line to the Lord. The Pope uses the phone and, like the Rabbi, insists on paying for the call. The Rabbi says, "One Shekel 50!" The Pope looks surprised. "Why so cheap?" The Rabbi smiles and says, "Its's a local call."
A little girl was playing in the park, when a kindly old lady started talking to her. "And do you go to school?" she asked. "No," was the sulky answer , "I'm sent!" [Compare this to Shakespeare's well-known lines from As You Like It ("The Seven Ages of Man"): "The whining schoolboy creeping like snail unwillingly to school." So much for the so-called "good old days"!]
The primary class had been told to draw a scene representing the flight into Egypt. One little tot proudly displayed a drawing of a Jumbo Jet containing the three members of the Holy Family - but also a fourth figure. 'When I said "flight" I didn't quite mean a jet-plane', said the teacher. 'however, we'll let that pass for now. But who is the fourth person on the plane?' To which the little one replied, 'That's Pontius Pilot!'
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve says to God, "Lord, I have a problem! I know you created me and gave me this beautiful garden and these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why, Eve?", asks God, "what's the problem?". "Lord", Eve replies, "I'm lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "OK, Eve", the Lord says, "I have an idea. I shall create a man for you." "What's a man, Lord?", Eve asks. "Well, this man", the Lord answers, "will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to listen to you properly. He'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster than you, really good at fighting and kicking a ball and hunting, and you can have sex together." "Sounds great", Eve replies, "I'll have this man-creature." "Yeah, you can have him, Eve, on one condition", the Lord continues. "What's that, Lord?", Eve asks. "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
The Archbishop of York once said, "My ignorance of science is such that if anyone mentioned copper nitrate, I should think he was talking about policemen's overtime!" [geddit?]
Who was the only person who got his work done by Friday?
Answer: Robinson Crusoe.
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
An old man is sitting on a bench when a young man walks up and sits down next to him. The young man has spiky hair coloured green, red, orange and blue. The old man just stares at him, so the young man says: "What's the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?" The old man replies: "Well, yes, I got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
One night, a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's walking across the lawn when he hears a voice: "Jesus is watching you." He jumps, turns round, but doesn't see anything. So he continues walking. Then he hears the voice again: "Jesus is watching you." He looks round again and sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. "Did you say that?" he asks the parrot. "Yes," the parrot replies. "What's your name?" asks the burglar. "Clarence," says the parrot. "What idiot would name his parrot 'Clarence'?" asks the burglar. The parrot laughs: "The same idiot who named his Rottweiler 'Jesus'."
A panda walks into
a bar and orders a sandwich and a beer. After seemingly enjoying his meal, he
pulls out a revolver and plugs the piano player. "What are you doing?"
asks the bartender. "I'm a panda, and I'm doing what I'm supposed to do.
Look it up!" Wondering what that was all about, the bartender opens a
dictionary, the only reference book he has, and there it is: "Panda, a
large bear-like animal. Eats shoots and leaves."
see also: 428, 429, 430, 431, 432, 433, 434, 435, 436, 437, 439, 443, 444, 445, 446, 447, 448, 449, 450, 451, 452, 453, 454, 455, 456, 457, 458, 459
Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are, ... very slowly. The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr Kiiiiiing." cf joke #108
NEWS FLASH !!! There will be no Christmas celebration in Washington, D.C. this year. Apparently they could not find three wise men.
do you call Santa's helpers?
Answer: You call them "subordinate clauses".
Daddy's an accountant."
A: "Yeah. What does your Daddy do?"
B: "He's a lawyer."
B: "No, just the regular kind."
A girl asks her
boyfriend to come and have dinner with her parents and says that afterwards they
can spend some time alone. The boy is really ecstatic and goes to the pharmacy
to get some condoms. He buys a family pack and tells the pharmacist he plans to
have a good time. The pharmacist winks and gives him the condoms.
That evening the boy shows up at the home of the girl's parents, and she takes him inside to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. He quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after twenty minutes, the girlfriend whispers, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Q: How do you fit four elephants into a Mini?
A: Two in the front, two in the back.
2) Q: How do you know when an elephant is visiting your house?
A: There's a Mini outside with three elephants in it.
After hearing that one of
the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by
pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file
and called him into his office.
"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."
Bush, Donald Rumsfeld and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and
asks the bartender, "Isn't that
Bush, Rumsfeld and Powell sitting over there?"
Bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III".
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Rumsfeld says, "Well, we're going to kill 23 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman? Why kill a bicycle repairman?
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smartie pants?! I told you no one would worry about the
23 million Iraqis!"
George Bush, Jr. dies and goes up to
the Pearly Gates to await being let in. Upon arrival St. Peter asks, as he
does everyone, "Name and occupation?"
I) Question: What
do you call 10,000 Frenchmen with their arms up? Answer: An army.
II) Question: What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast? Answer: You can make soldiers out of toast. [soldier (informal): a strip of bread or toast, used for dipping into a soft-boiled egg]
For the source of these "jokes" go to: Gibes at the French
enters the office of Pope John Paul II and says, "Your Holiness, I
have good news and bad news."
by Eddy Fiss
2) The End of the Week, by Gladys Friday
3) Under Arrest, by Hank Uft
4) I'll Follow, by Hugo First
5) The Void, by M. T. Ness see also #11 - 20: #378 see also #21 - 30: #379 see also #31 - #40: #380 see also #41 - #50: #381 see also #51 - #60: #382
6) A Visit to the Dentist, by Phil McAvity
7) The Excursion, by Sally Forth 8) Streaking, by Running Bear
9) Make 'em Laugh, by Joe King
10) The Funeral, by Paul Bearer
English professor wrote the words "woman without
her man is a savage" and directed his students to punctuate it
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is a savage."
man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to
wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,"
the accountant replied.
[IRS: Finanzamt, US]
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed." [to screw: pun on two (out of about 6) meanings of the verb "to screw"]
died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said,
"I'd like to get you guys in now, but our
computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." [stud: several meanings !!!]
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota." [stud(s): on football boots or, as in this case, on snow tires]
see also: #420, #421, #422, #423, #424, #425, #426, #427
mother and daughter were riding in a cab through New York City when the daughter
noticed some scantily clad women
loitering on a street.
"Mommy," the little girl asked, "what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to come home from work." the mother answered.
"C'mon lady, they're hookers!" retorted the cab driver.
After a stunned silence, the daughter asked, "Mommy, do hookers have children?"
"Of course," the mother replied, "where do you think cabbies come from?"
says to Luther, "Luther, you going on your annual island vaction again this
To which Luther replies, "You know, Billy-Bob, the year before last I went to beautiful romantic Tahiti, warm sands, romantic music, ocean breezes-only thing was, Maybelle got pregnant. Last year I went to the beautiful romantic Bahamas - lovely beaches, warm ocean breezes, exotic drinks - only thing was, Maybelle got pregnant again. This year it's going to be different!"
"What're you going to do different this year?" asks Billy-Bob.
Says Luther, "This year I'm taking Maybelle with me."
From the State of
Texas, where drinking and driving is considered a sport, comes a true story
about drinking wisely:
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighborhood bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
What do you do when your nose goes on "strike"?
Four people on a
crashing plane: the Pope, a Rabbi, the World's Smartest Man, and a Boy Scout.
There were only 3 parachutes. The Pope says he's most important religious figure
in the world so he takes a parachute and jumps out. The worlds smartest man says his
knowledge will help the world so he puts one on and jumps out of plane. The Rabbi
looks at the boy scout and says, "how will we decide?"
The boy scout says, "Don't worry, the World's Smartest Man just jumped out the plane with my back-pack."
Eskimo: "Where did your mother come from?"
2nd Eskimo: "Alaska."
1st Eskimo: "Don't bother, I'll ask her myself."
A Scottish boy came home from school and told his mother that he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful", says the mother, "what part is it?" The boy answers: "I play the part of the Scottish husband." The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
The telephone rang in the office of a theatrical agent. "Hullo," said a voice. "I want a job. I can sing , dance and juggle." "So can a thousand other people ..... and they're all out of work," snapped the agent. "Just a minute ..... don't hang up. I can play the piano, walk the tight-rope and recite the whole of 'Paradise Lost'." "So can all the others. You're wasting my time. Good-bye." "Just a minute," pleaded the voice. There's one other thing: I'm a dog."
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
What do you call a skeleton in a kilt? Answer: Boney Prince
B) Aberdonians are all very good singers. They have to be - there's no lock on their bathroom door.
C) "Aha", said the Customs officer, producing a bottle of whisky. I thought you said your case contained nothing but clothes."
"Correct," Hamish replied, "that's my nightcap." [pun on the two meanings of "nightcap"]
a man on a Scottish train he's going from Stranraer to Glasgow, but he's very
tired after overdoing it the night
before in the pub, and spends much of the journey nodding off.
After some time, he wakes up with a jolt and feels a little disoriented.
He asks one of the two old ladies who are sharing the compartment with him,
"Do you know if I've passed Ayr yet ?"
To which the more prudish looking one, replied quite curtly in her accusing Scots whine ,
"Two or three times young man, but we opened the compartment window."
rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. A ragged old
man was standing there with a rod and
hanging a string into the puddle. A tipsy-looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing. "Fishing," the old man said simply.
"Poor old fool," the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub. As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, "And how many have you caught?"
"You're the eighth," the old man answered.
the math exam, Paddy, not the brightest student at St. Mary’s High
School in Galway, asks Mick how things went
for him and Mick says: “I was completely lost, so I handed in a blank sheet with nothing on it but my name.” “That’s terrible,” Paddy replies, "I did exactly the same, so now everybody will think I copied from you.”
the most proper flower?
Answer: A primrose.
do you call a movement to do away with spaghetti?
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