of psychology: "I somehow thought my degrees in psychology,
politics and economics would help me to get a job with your company. I'm really
Personnel officer: "I'm sorry to hear that but then you are the kind of person who will understand why he can't get a job with us.
Desmond Blake]: ...When was the last time I laughed at a graffito? Years ago, I
spotted one which still makes me smile when I think of it: under a sign, 'Bill
Posters Will Be Prosecuted' some wag had written, 'Bill
Posters is innocent'.
quoted from David Lodge's latest novel Deaf Sentence (2008) see also: David Lodge (2)
… The reception in the Senior Common Room
afterwards was the usual ordeal by Lombard Reflex. There were several fellow
sufferers among the elderly guests whom these occasions tend to attract, and I
had some exchanges along the familiar lines of 'Terribly noisy in here'
- ' What?' - 'I said it 's terribly noisy in here' - 'Sorry, can't hear you, it's so
damned noisy in here ...' Then Sylvia Cooper, wife of the former Head of
History, engaged me in one of those conversations in which your interlocutor
says something that sounds like a quotation from a Dadaist poem, or one of
Chomsky's impossible sentences, and you say 'What?' or 'I beg your pardon?' and
they repeat their words, which make a banal sense the second time round.
pastime of the dance went to pot,' Sylvia Cooper seemed to say, 'so we
spent most of the time in our shit, the cows' in-laws finding they stuttered.'
What?' I said.
'I said, the last time we went to France it was so hot we spent
most of the time in our gîte, cowering indoors behind the shutters.'
'Oh, hot, was it?' I said. 'That must have been the summer of 2003.'
'Yes, we seared our arses on bits of plate, but soiled my
cubism, I'm afraid.'
'We were near Carcasonne. A pretty place, but spoiled by tourism,
yes, it's the same everywhere these days,' I said sagely.
'But I do mend sherry. Crap and sargasso pained there, you know.
There's a lovely little mum of modern tart.'
'Sherry?' I said hesitantly.
'Céret, it's a little town in the foothills of the Pyrenees,' said Mrs Cooper with a certain impatience. 'Braque and Picasso painted there. I recommend it.'
'Oh yes, I've been there,' I said
hastily. 'It has a rather nice art gallery.'
'The mum of modern tart.'
'Quite so', I said. I looked at my
glass. 'I seem to need a refill. Can I get you one?' see also:
David Lodge (1)
To my relief, she declined. …
quoted from David Lodge's novel Deaf Sentence (2008)
see also: David Lodge (1)
"Billy, name two pronouns."
Billy: "Who, me?"
Teacher: Well done!"
see also: linguistics (1)
in a great country house, one of the guests drinks rather too much wine and,
without warning, slumps across the table. The host rings for the butler and when
arrives says: "Smithers, could you please prepare a room. This gentleman has kindly consented to stay the night." see also: joke #358
(1): Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they
play? A: They want to get away from the noise.
bagpipes (2): Q: What is the definition of a gentleman? A: A man who knows how to play the bagpipes but doesn't.
A man goes into a pet shop and buys a talking dog for 50 pounds. He then shows the dog to his friends and challenges them: "I bet everyone this dog can talk." His friends all take the bet, only to find that the dog will not utter a word, however hard it is encouraged, and the bewildered owner reluctantly has to pay up. He takes the dog home and says out loud that he will return the dog to the pet shop next day and demand his money back. "Use your head," pipes up the dog wearily, "just think of the odds we'll get tomorrow!" see also: smart dog (1), (not so) smart dog
A dance in a bakery
#30) Apex: A gorilla's old girl friend
#31) Blazer: A jacket that is always on fire
#32) Bulldozer: A sleepy male cow see also: #56, #57, #94, #95, #96, #226, #373
#33) Fortune: A singing quartet
Inkling: A small pen
#35) Jubilant: A celebrating insect
#36) Kindred: Fear of relatives
#37) Kipper: A sleepy fish see also: #56, #57, #94, #95, #96, #226, #372
#38) Offal: Something dreadful
Polygon: A dead parrot
#40) Rugged: Seated on a mat
#41) Syntax: A collection in church
#42) Tangent: A gentleman with a suntan
#43) Viper (German): Used to clean windows see also: #56, #57, #94, #95, #96, #226, #372, #373
#44) Zeal: An enthusiastic sea mammal
elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the
wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I'd recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know … the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes," the man said, then he turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
see: www.macmillandictionaries.com/wordoftheweek/archive/030526-senior-moment.htm & www.dict.cc/englisch-deutsch/senior+moment.html
were two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower
and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
A man eating in a Chinese restaurant decides to complain to the waitress about his meal.. "This chicken is rubbery," he tells her. "Thank you," replies the waitress with a smile. more Chinese jokes: #138, #139, #140, #315, #316, #317, #318, #319, #320
A Clifftop Tragedy,
by Eileen Dover
12) A Young Man's Guide to Dating, by Caesar Titely
13) At The North Pole, by I. C. Blast
14) At the South Pole, by Ann Tarctic
15) Better Gardening, by Anita Lawn
16) Bullying Is Wrong, by Howard U. Lykit see also #1 - #10: #34 see also #21 - #30: #379 see also #31 - #40: #380 see also #41 - #50: #381 see also #51 - #60: #382
17) Carpet Laying, by Walter Wall
18) Dating Period Furniture, by Anne Teak
19) Dealing With Alcoholism, by Carrie M. Holme
20) Diary Of A Bank Robber, by Hans Upp
by Y. I. Malone
22) Gone With the Wind, by Rufus Blownoff
23) How I won the Grand National,,by Rhoda Winner
24) How to be Stupid, by M. T. Head
25) How to Succeed, by Vic Tree
26) Improve Your Memory, by Ivor Gott see also #1 - #10: #34 see also #11 - #20: #378 see also #31 - #40: #380 see also #41 - #50: #381 see also #51 - #60: #382
27) Influenza, by Mike Robe
28) Into Battle, Sally Forth
29) Jungle Fever, by Amos Quito
30) Keeping Caged, by Ken Airey
by Tim Burr
32) Magic for Beginners, by Beatrix Ster
33) Moving Day, by Ivor Newhouse
34) My Political Memoirs, by Lisa Lott
35) On the Beach, by C. Shaw
36) Pain and Sorrow, by Ann Guish see also #1 - #10: #34 see also #11 - #20: #378 see also #21 - #30: #379 see also #41 - #50: #381 see also #51 - #60: #382
37) Primary School, by L. M. Entree
38) Rice Growing, by Paddy Field
39) Road Transport, by Laurie Driver
40) Scalp Disorders, by Dan Druff
by Carrie Mee
42) Strong Winds, by Gail Force
43) Swimming the Channel, by Frances Neer
44) The Bad Striker, by Misty Goal
45) The Bank Raid, by Dinah Mite
46) The Burglar, by Robin Banks see also #1 - #10: #34 see also #11 - #20: #378 see also #21 - #30: #379 see also #31 - #40: #380 see also #51 - #60: #382
47) The Haunted Room, by Hugo First
48) The Insomniac, by Eliza Wake
49) The Library Thieves, by M. T. Shelves
50) The Millionaire, by Ivor Fortune
Runaway Bull, by Gay
52) The Tiger's Revenge, by Claude Body
53) The World of Hairdressing, by Aaron Floor
54) The Worst Journey in the World, by Ellen Back
55) Try and Try Again, by Percy Vere
56) Understanding Computers, by Mike Rochips see also #1 - #10: #34 see also #11 - #20: #378 see also #21 - #30: #379 see also #31 - #40: #380 see also #41 - #50: #381
57) Vegetable Gardening, by Rosa Cabbages
58) Wait fore Me, by Isa Cummin
59) When Does School End?, by Wendy Bellgoes
60) Willie Win, by Betty Wont
by Mustafa Swig
62) Canine Diet by Nora Bone
63) I Scream by Walls
64) In the Soup by A. Crouton
65) A Tommy in the Harem by Private Parts
66) Second Helpings by O. Twist
67) First Causes by F. Heckt
68) First Steps in Rubber by Wellington
69) Military Dilemmas by Major Crisis
70) Cease Fire! by General Strike
by Abel N.
72) Venus Observed by I. Sawyer
73) Studies in Sentiment by E. Motion
74) Reduced to the Ranks by D. Motions
75) Intuition by Ivor Hunch
76) March Days by A. Hare
77) A Bagman's Journal by Gladstone
78) On the Spot by Leo Pard
79) Call Me X by Anon
80) Pardon Me by Belcher
A man having a snack in a motorway service station is accosted by three aggressive Hell's Angels who spit in his coffee, knock his food on the floor and push him off his chair. Instead of retaliating, the man just walks out. "He's not much of a man!" one of the bikers tells the waitress. "He's not much of a driver either", replies the waitress. "He's just driven his lorry over three bikes."
A group of prisoners have been in prison so long they know each other's jokes by heart. To save time they refer to them by number. One prisoner says, "Number seventeen," and everyone smiles. Another says, "Remember number five?" and everyone chuckles. A third prisoner responds with , "How about that number eleven, eh?" and everyone grins. One prisoner, however, is rolling on the floor helpless with laughter at that one. Eventually he recovers and shrugs apologetically to his friends: "Sorry, that's the first time I heard that one."
A police officer pulled a car over and informed the driver that he was going 60 mph in a 50 mph zone. "I was only going 50!" the driver protested, "Not according to my radar," the officer said. "Yes, I was!" the man shouted back. "No you weren't!" the officer retorted. With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, "Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."
stage: You believe in Father Christmas.
Second stage: You don't believe in Father Christmas.
Third stage: You ARE Father Christmas
A taxi driver picks up a nun. She gets into the taxi, and he won't stop staring at her. He says, "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. After my experiences, I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, as long as you are single and a Catholic, then I will kiss you." The taxi driver says, "Yes, I'm single and a Catholic!" "OK," she says. "Pull over." The nun plants a kiss on the taxi driver, who then starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a computer engineer were driving down the street one day, when the car the were travelling in broke down. The mechanical engineer said, "I think a rod broke." The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting any petrol." The electrical engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system." All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?" The computer engineer replied, "I think we should all get out and get back in."
What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German?
A: A man who is too drunk to follow orders.
What did the German clockmaker say to the clock that went only
"tick, tick, tick"?
A: "Ve haff vays of making you tock!"
A Prussian, a Bavarian and a Swabian [insert any other tribe, such as Saxonians, Berliners, East Frisians] are sitting together drinking beer. A fly falls into each one's mug. The Prussian pours away his beer with the fly and orders a new beer. The Bavarian picks the fly out of his mug with his fingers and continues drinking. The Swabian picks out the fly and then forces it to spit out the beer it has drunk.
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman are sitting together ... ["Adding insult to injury", one could also include an Irishman who gulps down his beer saying something along the lines of "Great, I could do with a spot of meat."]
If anyone feels offended, he or she is welcome to it! (What about coming up with your own multi-purpose ethnic joke?)
week, the Suebian Günter Oettinger and his linguistic "performance"
caused quite a stir: www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWB5oyIjSF0
not forget the equally talented Franconian speaker of English,"Loddä"
Im Jahr 2000 heuert Lothar Matthäus zum Ausklang seiner aktiven Fußballerkarriere bei den New Yorker Metro Stars an. Ehe er losfliegt, wendet er sich vertrauensvoll an Franz Beckenbauer: „Du, Franz, du hast doch auch schon in New York Fußball gespielt, wie bist du denn mit der Sprache klargekommen?“ „Kein Problem, Lothar,“ antwortet Franz, "wenn du in Amerika bist, musst du immer ganz deutlich sprechen, dann verstehen dich die Leute da drüben auch." An seinem ersten Tag in einem New Yorker Café sagt Lothar zum Kellner: "Ein-Weiss-bier-bit-te!" Darauf erwidert der Kellner:"Sie-kom-men-wohl-aus-Deutsch-land-ich-auch." Lothar antwortet verdutzt: "Ja, wenn wir beide aus Deutschland kommen, warum reden wir dann Englisch?"
More "Loddä": www.br-online.de/podcast/mp3-download/bayern3/mp3-download-podcast-fraenglischmitloddar.shtml
PLUS: Bayerischer Rundfunk: "Austrian English": icehole, Austrian English.mp3
PLUS: BBC Interview with Horst Seehofer: Seehofer,BBC.mp3
Why is money called dough?
A: Because everyone kneads it.
Q: What's a doughnut?
A: Someone who is crazy about money.
What do you call a bank manager sitting in a tree?
A: A branch manager.
Q: Why did the Irish call their currency the Punt before they introduced the Euro?
A: Because it rhymes with bank manager. (SORRY!!! W.E.P.)
A crusty-looking old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, "I want to open a f***ing*) account." To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir? I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a f***ing account right now!" "I'm very sorry, sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." With that the woman leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about the situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no f***ing problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million quid in the f***ing lottery and I want to open a f***ing account in this f***ing bank!" "I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?" *) insert an expletive of your choice (SORRY!!! W.E.P.)
A guy walks into a bar
and says to the barman, "I've got this great Polish*
joke." The barman glares at him and warns him, "Before you tell that
joke, I think you ought to know that I'm Polish, the two bouncers are Polish and
most of my customers are Polish." "Ok," says the guy. "I'll
tell it slowly."
* for Polish insert any other group you want to insult, such as "Irish", "East Frisians", "Red Necks" etc. etc.
A man joins a Trappist order and is told that he is allowed to say just two words every five years. After five years he speaks his two words to his superiors. "Bed hard," he says. He is promised the problem will be looked into. Another five years pass. This time his two words are: "Food cold." Again his superiors promise to take care of the problem. Five years later his two words are "I quit." His superiors look at one another wearily. "We're not the least bit surprised. You've done nothing but complain for the last fifteen years!"
Father O'Brian is walking down the road when he passes two nuns coming the other way. He nods in greeting and one of the nuns says. "Ah, Father, I see you got out of the wrong side of bed this morning." Father O'Brian is surprised by this remark, but he walks on. Soon he comes across an altar-boy. "Good morning, Father," says the boy. I see you got out of the wrong side of bed this morning." Once more, Father O'Brian is puzzled by this comment, but he walks on. The next person the Father sees is Bishop O'Leary. "Hello, O'Brian," says the Bishop. "I see you got out of the wrong side of bed this morning." "You know," says Father O'Brian, "you are the third person who has said that to me today. Do I look in a bad mood or something? Because I actually feel very happy." "No," says the Bishop, "you don't look as if you were in a bad mood at all, but you are wearing your housekeeper's shoes."
A policeman stops a car full of nuns. Policeman: "Sister, the speed limit is 65 miles per hour. Why are you going so slowly?" Nun: "Sir, I saw lots of signs that said 22, not 65." Policeman: "That's not the speed limit! That's the number of the highway you are on." Nun: "Oh! Thanks for letting me know, officer. In future, I'll be more careful." Then the policeman looks in the back seat, where the other nuns are sitting and trembling. Policeman: "Excuse me, Sister. What's wrong with your friends? They are all trembling." Nun: "Oh, we just got off highway 119."
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement," said the minister. "This is a meeting of the board." Well," said the man, "if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
An embarrassed woman approached the vicar after a church service. "I hope you don't take it personally, Reverend, when my husband walked out during your sermon." "I did find it rather disconcerting," the vicar replied. "It's not a reflection on you, " insisted the churchgoer. "He's been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
A vicar/priest retires after twenty years in his parish. "We're sorry you're retiring," says one parishioner, "You showed us what sin really is."
A vicar is walking down the street when a young woman slips on the pavement in front of him. The vicar helps her up, joking, "This is the first time I've rescued a fallen woman." The woman replies, "And this is the first time I've been picked up by a clergyman.,
A man was coming out of church one day, and the vicar was standing at the door to shake hands with the departing congregation. He grabbed the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The vicar said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, vicar." "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" asked the vicar. He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."
A politician was once asked about his attitude towards whisky. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it: This is my position, and I will not compromise!"
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another one to change it back again.
How many spin doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to change it and the other three to deny it.
Why do the Arabs have all the oil and the Irish all the potatoes?
A: Because the Irish had first pick.
from (part 5 of) the film:
The Strange Case of the End of Civilization As We Know It
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7829Z0pcfA&feature=related [just the joke: 5:56 - 6:10]
just the "sound bite": Sherlock Holmes,joke.mp3
More videos: Sherlock Holmes: video links
Two drunks are walking along a street in London. One turns to the other and slurs: "Is this Wembley?" "No, it's Thursday," his companion mutters. "So am I", his drinking crony replies, "let's go for a drink."
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and the man said: "I never want to live in a vegetative state, depending on a machine and fluids. If that ever happens, please pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
Murphy decides to boost business at his pub by having a special offer. He puts a sign over a keg of beer saying, "All you can drink for 5 pounds!" When O'Leary comes in the pub, he sees the sign and immediately asks for a drink from the keg. He hands over a 5 pound note and Murphy hands him a pint of ale. The beer is fantastic and O'Leary soon drains the glass. He hands the glass back for a refill, but Murphy shakes his head. "Sorry," he says, "That'll be another 5 pounds." "What?" exclaims O'Leary. "But that sign says, 'All you can drink for 5 pounds.'" "I know," says Murphy. "And you see the glass I gave you?" "Yes," replies O'Leary. Murphy continues, "Well that is all you can drink for 5 pounds."
A Texan walks into an Irish pub and says: "I hear you Irish are a hard bunch of drinkers. I'll give 500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink ten pints of Guinness back to back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same man who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.. "You bet it is," replies the Texan and asks the bartender to line up ten pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all ten of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
1) Football is a game in which a handful of men run
around for one and a half hours watched
by millions of people who could really use the exercise.
2) Football players are the only people who can dribble and still look neat.
‘I understand you’re a member of the school football team,’ said a
visiting uncle to seven-year-old Johnny. ‘What position do you play?’
‘I’m not sure,’ answered the
boy, ‘but I think I heard teacher say that I was the team’s main drawback.’
2) Little Jimmy was having tea with his auntie. ‘Now what do you do on Saturday afternoons?’ she asked.
‘I go to the football match,’ replied the child.
‘And what do you do on Sunday afternoons?’
‘I go to Sunday School.’
‘And which do you like best?’
‘There’s not much to choose between them, really,’ said the boy. ‘At Sunday School they tell me to stand up for Jesus’ sake and at the football match they tell me to
sit down for God’s sake!’
THAT CONCLUDES THE EIGHTH YEAR OF "JOKE OF THE WEEK", 416 JOKES ALTOGETHER !!!!
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