8) The Charity Sketch (or: "The Merchant Banker)
B: Banker
C: Collector
B. Come in! Ah, Mr Ford isn’t it?
C: That’s
right.
B: How
do you do? I’m a merchant banker.
C: How
do you do, Mr …….?
B: I
forget my name for the moment, but I am a merchant banker.
C: I
wondered whether you would like to contribute to the Orphans’ Home?
B: Well,
I don’t want to show my hand too early, but actually here at Money-Grabbers
Limited we are quite keen to get into orphans, you know, developing market
… What sort of sum did you have in mind?
C: You
are a rich man …
B: Yes,
I am. Yes, yes. Very, very rich. Quite phenomenally wealthy. I do own the most
startling quantities of cash. Quite right. I’m one of the filthy rich, I’m
glad to say.
C: How
about a pound then?
B: A
pound, yes I see. Now, this loan would be secured by …
C: It’s
not a loan
B: What?
C: It’s
not a loan.
B:
Uh?
C: You
get one of these. (hands him a sticker or a badge)
B: (examines
it doubtfully) It’s a bit small for a share certificate,
isn’t it? I’d better show this to our chaps in the legal department. Could you pop back next
week?
C: (pleading)
But couldn’t you just give me the pound.
B: Yes,
but you see I don’t know what it is for.
C: It’s
for the orphans.
B: Y
e s. (waiting for a more convincing answer)
C: It’s
a gift.
B: A
what? (completely puzzled)
C: A
gift. (shakes his collecting tin to drive home the point)
B: Oh,
a gift! (his face brightens) Now I understand, you mean a tax
swindle.
C: No, no!
B: No?
I’m awfully sorry. I don’t understand. Can you just explain exactly what you
want?
C: I
want you to give me a pound. And then I’ll go away and give it
to the orphans.
B: Y
e s. (waiting, as above, and absolutely puzzled)
C: That’s
it.
B: (shaking
his head in utter disbelief) No, no, I don’t follow this
at all. I mean, I don’t want to seem stupid, but it looks to me as if I was a pound down on the
whole deal.
C: Oh
yes, you are.
B: But
what is my motivation to give you the pound?
C: Well,
the motivation is to make the orphans happy.
B: Happy? Are you quite sure you’ve got this right?
C: A
lot of people give me money.
B: What,
just like that?
C: Yes!
B: They
must be sick! I don’t suppose you could give me a list with their names and
addresses, could you?
C: No,
I just go up to them in the street and ask.
B: Good
lord, that’s the most exciting new idea I’ve heard in years! It’s so
simple it’s brilliant. Well, if that idea of yours isn’t worth a pound I would like to know
what it is (grabs the collecting tin)
C: Thank
you, sir.
B: The
only trouble is, you gave me the idea before I’d given
you the pound and that’s not good business.
C: Isn’t
it?
C: No,
I’m afraid it isn’t. (to security officer who has entered in the meantime)
Accompany this man to the exit and make sure he doesn’t return.
for the CHRI$TMA$ version of this sketch click: HERE
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