8) The Charity Sketch (or: "The Merchant Banker)
B. Come in! Ah, Mr Ford isnít it?
do you do? Iím a merchant banker.
do you do, Mr ÖÖ.?
forget my name for the moment, but I am a merchant banker.
wondered whether you would like to contribute to the Orphansí Home?
I donít want to show my hand too early, but actually here at Money-Grabbers
Limited we are quite keen to get into orphans, you know, developing market
Ö What sort of sum did you have in mind?
are a rich man Ö
I am. Yes, yes. Very, very rich. Quite phenomenally wealthy. I do own the most
startling quantities of cash. Quite right. Iím one of the filthy rich, Iím
glad to say.
about a pound then?
pound, yes I see. Now, this loan would be secured by Ö
not a loan
not a loan.
get one of these. (hands him a sticker or a badge)
it doubtfully) Itís a bit small for a share certificate,
isnít it? Iíd better show this to our chaps in the legal department. Could you pop back next
But couldnít you just give me the pound.
but you see I donít know what it is for.
for the orphans.
e s. (waiting for a more convincing answer)
what? (completely puzzled)
gift. (shakes his collecting tin to drive home the point)
a gift! (his face brightens) Now I understand, you mean a tax
C: No, no!
Iím awfully sorry. I donít understand. Can you just explain exactly what you
want you to give me a pound. And then Iíll go away and give it
to the orphans.
e s. (waiting, as above, and absolutely puzzled)
his head in utter disbelief) No, no, I donít follow this
at all. I mean, I donít want to seem stupid, but it looks to me as if I was a pound down on the
yes, you are.
what is my motivation to give you the pound?
the motivation is to make the orphans happy.
B: Happy? Are you quite sure youíve got this right?
lot of people give me money.
just like that?
must be sick! I donít suppose you could give me a list with their names and
addresses, could you?
I just go up to them in the street and ask.
lord, thatís the most exciting new idea Iíve heard in years! Itís so
simple itís brilliant. Well, if that idea of yours isnít worth a pound I would like to know
what it is (grabs the collecting tin)
only trouble is, you gave me the idea before Iíd given
you the pound and thatís not good business.
Iím afraid it isnít. (to security officer who has entered in the meantime)
Accompany this man to the exit and make sure he doesnít return.
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