THE MERCHANT BANKER or The Charity Sketch
The
scene: a somewhat simple-minded, but well-meaning collector for a charitable
society (Cockney accent, or similar) enters the office of a rather condescending
merchant banker (posh voice). Collector: C, Banker: B. [[The
sketch has been very slightly rewritten so as fit the CHRI$TMA$ spirit; these
alterations have been put in double brackets.]]
B:
Come in! (Mr
Ford enters, he is collecting for charity with a tin.) Ah,
Mr. Ford, isn't it? [[Ah,
Mr. Cratchit, I believe.]]
C:
That's right.
B:
How do you do? I'm a merchant banker.
C:
How do you do, Mr. ... ?
B:
Er … I forget my name for the moment, but I am a merchant banker ...
C:
Oh, I wondered whether you would like to contribute to the “Orphan's Home”? (he
rattles the tin)
B:
Well, I don't want to show my hand too early, but actually here at Slater Nazi
(!)
[[Scrooge
and Marlowe Money-Grabbers Ltd.]]
we
are quite keen to get into orphans, you know,
developing market and all that ... what
sort of sum did you have in mind?
C:
Well … er … you’re a rich man ...
B:
Yes, I am. Yes, yes. Very, very rich. Quite phenomenally wealthy, yes. I do own
the most startling
quantities of cash. Yes, quite right. [[
I'm one of the filthy rich,
I'm glad to say.]]
You
are rather a smart young lad, aren't you? We could do with somebody like you to
feed
the pantomime horse. [[
We could do with somebody like you to
decorate our Christmas tree.]]
Very smart!
C:
Thank
you, sir.
B:
Now, you see I'm very, very, very, very, very etc. rich …
C:
So
… er …how about a pound?
B:
A
pound, yes I see. Now, this loan
would be secured by the …
C:
It's not a loan.
B:
What?
C:
It's not a loan.
B:
What?
C: You get one of these, sir. (hands
him a little sticker or badge)
B: (examines it doubtfully)
It's a bit small for a share certificate, isn't it? I'd better run
this over to our legal department. If you
could
possibly pop back on Friday? [[I think I better had the chaps in the legal
department take a look at
this. What with CHRI$TMA$
and the season of good will - hahaha - ,we are
very busy here at Scrooge and Marlowe Money Grabbers Ltd. Believe me,
money-grabbing and ripping people
off round the clock is a full-time job. So, couldn’t you pop back some
time next year?]]
C:
(pleading) But couldn't you just give me the pound?
B:
Yes, but you see I don't know what it is for?
C:
It's for the orphans.
B:
Yes? (waiting for a better answer)
C:
It's a gift.
B: A what? (completely
puzzled)
C: A gift. (shakes
his collecting tin to drive home the point)
B: Oh, a gift!
(his face brightens) A tax dodge!
C: No, no, no, no!
B:
No? Well, I'm awfully sorry. I don't understand. Can you just explain
exactly what you want?
C:
I want you to give me a pound. And then I'll go away and give it to the orphans.
B:
Yes? (waiting, as above, absolutely baffled)
C:
Well, that's it.
B:
(shaking his head in utter disbelief) No, no, I don't follow this at all, I mean, I don't want to seem stupid,
but it looks to me as if I was
a pound down on the whole deal.
C:
Well, yes you are!
B:
I am? But what is my incentive to give you the pound?
C:
Well, the incentive is to
make the orphans happy.
B:
(genuinely
puzzled) Happy? Are you quite sure you've got this right?
C:
Yes, lots of people give me money.
B:
What, just like that?
C:
Yes!
B:
They
must be sick! I don't suppose you could give me a list with their names and
addresses, could you?
C:
No,
I just go up to them in the street and ask.
B:
Good
lord, that's the most exciting new idea I've heard in years! It's so simple it's
brilliant! Well, if that idea
of yours isn't worth a pound, I
would like to know what is. (grabs the
collecting tin) [[The ending of the
CHRI$TMA$
version follows below!]]*)
C:
Thank you, sir.
B:
The
only trouble is, you gave me the idea before I'd given you the
pound and that's not good business.
C:
Isn't
it?
B:
No,
I'm afraid it isn't. So off you go! (he pulls a lever opening a trap door
under C’s feet and C falls through with
a yelp)
*) [[ And now for W.E.P.’s- slightly more conciliatory CHRI$TMA$ ending :
B:
Good lord, that's the most exciting new idea I've heard in years! It's so simple
it's brilliant! Well, if that idea
of yours isn't worth a pound, I
would like to know what is. (gives him a pound)
C: Thank you, sir, and a merry
Christmas to you!
B: It may be merry for you, but I have to think up a new charity
advertising campaign. So if you would kindly excuse me. Time is money. Money
grabbing is hard work. So, good-bye!]]
Annotations:
condescending:
herablassend; posh: vornehm, (piek)fein; merchant bank: Handelsbank
(ohne “normalen” Publikumsverkehr, gilt als besonders exklusiv); orphan:
Waise(nkind); to show one's hand (IDIOM): seine Karten aufdecken;
to get into (a market): (in einen Markt) einsteigen; startling: überraschend,
erstaunlich; to pat: tätscheln; loan: Darlehen; badge: Abzeichen,
Plakette; share: Aktie; share certificate: Aktienzertifikat;
to pop back (informal): (wieder/noch einmal) vorbeikommen, -schauen;
what with ... (informal): [etwa] “bei all’ der Hektik, die
mit dem Weihnachtsgeschäft verbunden ist ...“; to rip off (informal):
schröpfen, ausnehmen; [noun: the rip-off: Wucher, Schwindel,
Nepp] pleading: flehentlich; collecting tin: Sammelbüchse; to
drive home (sth./a point): etw. klarmachen, unterstreichen; tax dodge: etw.,
womit man sich am Finanzamt vorbeimogelt, um Steuern zu sparen [to dodge: ausweichen];
to be a pound down on the deal: bei dem Geschäft ein Pfund Verlust machen;
incentive: Ansporn, Anreiz; trap door: Falltüre; conciliatory: versöhnlich;
back to "CHRI$TMA$" for another version of this sketch see RAZZAMATAZZ, #8
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