4) The Art of Travelling

(Possible introduction: "Americans in Europe": You've all probably got  a picture of the American tourist "doing" Europe: elderly gentlemen in loud-checked trousers and flowered shirts and their lady spouses, sun-glasses perched on blue-rinsed hair with piles of baggage for the month's trip stacked outside hotels, as the flock of culture craving sheep clamber into the coach ready for the next stage of their trip under the stern watch of the schedule-conscious guide:

Sit down! Sit down! Sit, sit! That's your second warning, twenty-eight. Next time I'll strap you in. My god, eight hours in the bus and you are hysterical. What will you be like in two days? Pull yourself together, man. You've only seen five capitals, you've got eighteen to go and stop crying! Right, now in two minutes .... Wake up, twelve! Wake up! In two minutes you'll be leaving Italy and entering Switzerland, which is a different country. So, finish up your spaghetti! You may now open your souvenir bags marked NOT TO BE OPENED UNTIL ITALY. Inside you'll find a green plastic replica of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, which was this side of the bus, soon after Madrid. Don't try to stand it up, it's made that way! We'll be crossing the border in 30 seconds. You don't need your passports here. We've got an arrangement: they just stamp the bus. Right, we are entering Switzerlaaaannnnnnnnd NOW! (The following sentence must be spoken at top speed) Switzerland is famous for its mountains, cheese, clocks and chocolate, nothing else. You may now open your souvenir bags marked NOT TO BE OPENED UNTIL SWITZERLAND. Inside you'll find a small piece of chocolate. Eat it up quickly. We are not here long, it's a small country. Wake up twelve, there's another capital coming up in a  minute. I warned you all, if you miss a capital, you'll do the whole tour all over again!


David Frost

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