10) The Hold-up

BR: Bank Robber   BM: Bank Manager 

The Scene: A slightly stupid bank robber rehearses his hold-up (1). He storms into the bank, gets completely confused and the bank manager has to “help” him.

BR: (rehearsing, maybe in front of a mirror) Hands up, this is a hold-up! Hold up your hands, this is a stick-up (2). Stick up your hands, this is a hold up! Give me the money! Oh, I must get that right. Give me the money. Hands up, this is a stick-up, give me the money. Hands up, this is a stick-up, give me the money. (repeated several times) Oh, yes that’s it. Hands up, this is a stick-up, give me the money. (repeated several times) Hands up, give me the money – that’s it.

(storms into the bank) Hold hands, this is an up-stick. Up with your sticks, this is a hand-hold.

BM: I beg your pardon?

BR: I mean, this is a stick-up, a hold-stick.

BM: A hold-stick?

BR: I mean a hand-stick.

BM: Ah, I see, you mean this is a hold-up.

BR: Yes, that’s right, it’s a hold-up, yes. Up with your hands and give me your money.

BM: How?

BR: What do you mean how?

BM: How do I give you the money with my hands up?

BR: You put your hands up and give me the money. No, you give me the money and then put your hands up. Oh, I don’t know. You work it out for yourself, but give me the money.

BM: No, I don’t think I will.

BR: Come on!

BM: Why should I?

BR: I’ve got a gun, stupid!

BM: (completely unimpressed) Yes.

BR: And it’s loaded with real bullets (3) and if I fire it, you’ll be dead, all sprawled (4) on the floor – dead.

BM: Well, go on then, shoot me!

BR: Do you mean that?

BM: Yes.

BR: What, cross your heart and hope to die (5)?

BM: Cross my heart and hope to die.

BR: Oh, stop messing about! Give me the money.

BM: No.

BR: But you don’t understand, I don’t want to shoot you

BM: I know that.

BR: You see, you are supposed to be terrified of my threats.

BM: I see.

BR: And I waggle (6) the gun.

BM: Hmmm.

BR: And you give me the money. And then I run out with the bag.

BM: Of course.

BM: But if I take the wrong one you call me back and give me the right one.

BM: Yes.

BR: All right then, shall we do it again?

BM: Right.

BR: Close your eyes. I won’t go all the way out, I’ll just go a little way …. (pretends to come again) Up with your hands, and give me your money! (alarm bell rings) What did you press that for? It’s the alarm bell.

BM: I know.

BR: The police will be round here any minute.

BM: You better be quick!

BR: Will they take me away and put me in prison?

BM: Well, hurry up and go away then.

BR: What, without the money?

BM: Yes, hurry up, they’ll be here any moment.

BR: No, I won’t go!

BM: Get on, you idiot. I don’t want you to go to prison.

BR: (slightly stupid, with a trusting and knowing undertone) I know you don’t.

BM: Go away, then!

BR: (stubborn) No, I’m not going!

BM: (both commanding and pleading) Go on!

BR: (stubborn) No!

BM: (pleading) Go on!

BR: (stubborn, unmoved by BM’s pleading) Won’t go!

BM: Go on!

BR: Shan’t!!!

BM: (giving in) All right then, take the money.

BR: Thanks! (Takes the money and runs off.)

1) hold-up: Raubüberfall     2) stick-up (informal): Raubüberfall   3) bullet: PRONUNCIATION! [u]

4) sprawled: ausgestreckt     4) cross my heart and hope to die: großes Ehrenwort   5) to waggle: wedeln, fuchteln

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