One Leg Too Few             A: (film/theatre) agent Sp: Mr Spigott [et al.]

One Leg Too Few (or simply "Tarzan") is a fine example of downright SICK HUMOUR!!! Yes, this sketch is totally and utterly politically incorrect and if anyone takes offence, he or she is welcome to it! In this sketch, a theatre (or film) agent (A) interviews a certain Mr Spiggot (Sp), a "unidexter" (!), who wants to act the part of Tarzan. There is also a secretary (S) and, at the end, a Mr Stangar (St).

A: Good morning, my dear, who is first on the list then?

S: There’s a Mr Spiggot to see you.

A: All right, my dear, show him in. Will you show him in. (Mr Spigott, a one-legged man, hobbles into the room)

Ah, Mr Spiggot, I believe.

Sp: (in a slightly stupid voice throughout the sketch) yes, Spiggot’s the name. Warning!!!!!!!!!!!!

A: Now, you are auditioning for the role of Tarzan? This sketch contains


A: Oh, oh, I couldn’t help noticing almost immediately, Mr Spiggot, that you are a one-legged man.

Sp: Ah, you noticed?

A: Oh yes, when you’ve been in the trade as long as I have, you do notice these things almost instinctively.

Sp: I see.

A: But you are auditioning for the role of Tarzan?

Sp: That is so.

A: A role which traditionally involves a two-legged actor.

Sp: Definitely!

A: But you, a one-legged man, a "unidexter" (sic/sick), are applying for the role?

Sp: Yes!

A: A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement.

Sp: Yes!

A: Well, Mr Spiggot need I point out to you where your deficiency lies with regard to your landing this vital role?

Sp: Well, I think you ought to.

A: Need I say with overmuch emphasis that it is in the leg division you are deficient.

Sp: Yes.

A: It is in the leg division you are deficient!

Sp: Ah, I see, the leg division.

A: Yes, your right leg I like, it’s an ideal leg for the role. Well, I have nothing against your right leg. The trouble

is, neither have you! No, it’s your left leg you fall down on.

Sp: You mean it’s inadequate?

A: It is, Mr Spiggot! The public is not ready for the sight of a one-legged Tarzan swinging through the

undergrowth. We don’t go in for that kind of sick humour here.

Sp: I see.

A: But don’t despair, Mr Spiggot. After all, you score over a man with no legs. You have a definite advantage

over a man with no legs at all. In fact, if a legless man was to come in here, I’d have no hesitation in saying to

him Get out, run away!

Sp: So there is still a chance?

A: There is a very, very good chance.

A: I have always fancied the role.

A: Oh yes, if we do not get any two-legged actors in here in the next two weeks, you are exactly the sort of chap

we should be trying to contact

Sp: I see.

A: So my advice to you, Mr Spiggot, is: go home, hop on a bus! (Spiggot hobbles out of the room) That’s right,

thank you very much for coming, Mr Spiggot. Bye-bye!

S: There is a Mr Stangar to see you now.

A: Mr Stangar? Oh yes, show him in, show him in. (Mr Stangar, a two legged-man, of course, enters) Ah, Mr Stangar; I believe.

St: That’s right.

A: Now, you are auditioning for the role of Long John Silver!

ANNOTATIONS: to see sb.: jmd. besuchen, aufsuchen, sprechen // to show sb. in: jmd. hereinführen // to audition for a part/for a role: sich um eine Rolle bewerben, vorsprechen, vorsingen; to audition sb.[trans.]: jemand vorsprechen lassen; [noun: the audition] // I couldn’t help noticing: ich musste einfach ..., ich konnte nicht umhin [to notice to remark: bemerken (= sehen) bemerken (= sagen)] // to involve: einschließen, mit sich bringen // "unidexter" [sick neologism formed from Latin "unus" and "dexter"]: „Rechtsbeiner" // minimum reqirement: Mindestvoraussetzung // need I point out to you: muss ich Ihnen (lang) erklären // where your deficiency lies: wo Ihr Mangel liegt // with regard to: hinsichtlich, was … angeht // your landing this vital role: … dass Sie diese wichtige Rolle bekommen // in the leg division: (etwa) „auf dem Beinsektor" // I have nothing against your right leg … : ich habe nichts gegen Ihr rechtes Bein // the trouble is neither have you: (sick pun) Sie haben auch nichts entgegenzusetzen (also: kein Gegenstück zu bieten) // to fall down on: (pun) zu Fall kommen, versagen // to go in for: etwas betreiben, sich mit etwas befassen, abgeben // to fancy sth./sb.: einen reizen [= mögen, davon angetan sein etc.] // Long John Silver: character in Robert Louis Stevenson’s classic Treasure Island. Yes, Long John Silver was a unidexter!

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