JOKE

Joke of the week [417 = year 9, #1]: football (3), 3 "generic" football insults (July 12, 2010 - July 18, 2010)

1) " I hear you're from ....................*. Does your town boast a football team?'
    "We have a team, yes, but it's nothing to boast about."
2) "Why do ....................* fans carry lighters round with them?
    "Because they lose all their matches!
3) "What is the difference between ....................* and a tea bag?"
    "The tea bag stays in the cup longer!"
          * insert the name of the town, country or club you want to insult

Joke of the week [418 = year 9, #2]: two pine needles walking through the forest ... (July 19, 2010 - July 25, 2010)

Two pine needles are walking through the forest when a hedgehog runs past them. One says to the other, "I didn't know there was a bus service here."

Joke of the week [419 = year 9, #3]: a fitting reply (July 26, 2010 - August 1, 2010)

Teacher: "What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?"
Pupil: "I don't know and I don't care."

Joke of the week [420 = year 9, #4]: heaven (1), rugby in heaven (August 2, 2010 - August 8, 2010)

Two ninety-year-old men, Fred and John, have been friends for most of their lives. When it's clear that John is dying, Fred says, "John, we both loved rugby all our lives. So when you get to heaven, please let me know if there's rugby there." John agrees to try. Shortly afterwards he dies. A few nights later, Fred wakes up and hears John calling his name. "John! Where are you?" "In heaven, "says John. " I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's rugby in heaven. All our friends are here. We are young again. It's always spring and we can play rugby as often as we want." "That's fantastic!" says Fred. "So what's the bad news?" "You are in the team for Tuesday."
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http://www.wepsite.de/joke(421).htm         http://www.wepsite.de/joke(425).htm
http://www.wepsite.de/joke(422).htm         http://www.wepsite.de/joke(426).htm
http://www.wepsite.de/joke(423).htm         http://www.wepsite.de/joke(427).htm

Joke of the week [421 = year 9, #5]: heaven (2), different performance (August 9, 2010 - August 15, 2010)

Two men are waiting to enter heaven. "Name and job on earth?" asks St. Peter. "Joe Miller, taxi driver," the first man replies. St. Peter hands him a golden robe and lets him in. The next man says: "Father Brian O'Riley, priest. St. Peter hands him a cotton robe and opens the gate. "Wait," says Father O'Riley. "I was a priest. Why do I get a cotton robe and the taxi driver a golden one?" "We work on a performance scale," says St. Peter. "When you spoke in church, people fell asleep. When he drove his taxi, people prayed."

Joke of the week [422 = year 9, #6]: heaven (3), various religious faiths (August 16, 2010 - August 22, 2010)

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"
The man says, "Methodist."
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"
"Baptist."
"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"
"Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"
St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics* are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.
* Jehova's Witnesses. the Mormons etc.

Joke of the week [423 = year 9, #7]: heaven (4), Forrest Gump goes to heaven (August 23, 2010 - August 29, 2010)

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the gates of heaven by St. Peter.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam to everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest. But, the test I have has only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter "T"? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. Forrest returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
St. Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter's eyes opened wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one? How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second ..."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest says, "Well, shore, I know God's first name. Everybody knows it. It's Howard."
"Howard?" asks St. Peter. "What makes you think it's Howard?"
Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks St. Peter, "Which prayer?"
"You know, the Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest: "Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name …”

Joke of the week [424 = year 9, #8]: heaven (5), Mother Theresa goes to heaven (August 30, 2010 - September 5, 2010)

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.

"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.

So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.

The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..."
God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa," He said, "... for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."

Joke of the week [425 = year 9, #9]: heaven (6), irony in heaven (1): in the freezer (September 6, 2010 - September 12, 2010)

Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man, "how does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Joke of the week [426 = year 9, #10]: heaven (7), irony in heaven (2): salaries (September 13, 2010 - September 19, 2010)

A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven.

The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little
stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary.

The first man in line says, “I was an actor, and I earned $5 million last year.”

The angel says, “Okay, you may enter.”

He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life.

She states, “I earned $250,000 as an attorney.” The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.

He turns to the third one in line and asks, “What have you done with your life?”

The man replies, “I earned $15,000 last year . . .”

“Oh,” the angel interrupts. “What did you teach?”

Joke of the week [427 = year 9, #11]: heaven (8), afterlife (September 20, 2010 - September 26, 2010)

Jim and John are good friends and they make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the other one from afterlife. Then one day John dies. Jim doesn't hear from him for over a year and figures there is no afterlife. Then out of the blue he gets a call. It's John.
"So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Jim asks.
"Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day."
"So that's what heaven is like?" asks Jim.
"I'm not in heaven," replies John. "I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park

Joke of the week [430 = year 9, #14]: "geddit?" (4) (October 11, 2010 - October 17, 2010)

A: My wife's gone to the West Indies!
B: Jamaica*? * homophone: "Jamaica" sounds like ???? > http://languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu/nll/?p=591
A: No, she went of her own accord!

Joke of the week [431 = year 9, #15]: "geddit?" (5) (October 18, 2010 - October 24, 2010)

A: I took my wife on holiday to Indonesia.
B: Jakarta*? * homophone: "Jakarta" sounds like ??? > http://languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu/nll/?p=591
A: No, we both flew.

Joke of the week [432 = year 9, #16]: "geddit?" (6) (October 25, 2010 - October 31, 2010)

A: Where did your wife go for her holidays?"
B: Alaska*. *homophone: "Alaska" sounds like ??? > http://languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu/nll/?p=591
A: What, you mean you don't know?

Joke of the week [433 = year 9, #17]: "geddit?" (7) (November 1, 2010 - November 7, 2010)

A bear walks into a bar and says to the barman, "I'll have a pint of ..................... Guinness." The bartender asks, "Why the big pause*?"
"Don't know," replies the bear. "I've always had them." * homophone! http://www.dict.cc/?s=paws

Joke of the week [434 = year 9, #18]: "geddit?" (8) (November 8, 2010 - November 14, 2010)

Q: What was the astronaut doing on the computer?
A: He was looking for the space bar* * pun on the two meanings of “space bar”! http://www.dict.cc/?s=space+bar

Joke of the week [435 = year 9, #19]: "geddit?" (9) (November 15, 2010 - November 21, 2010)

Q: What did the clock do when it was hungry?
A: It went back four seconds*. * pun on the two meanings of "seconds", plus homophone “four” http://www.dict.cc/?s=seconds

Joke of the week [436 = year 9, #20]: "geddit?" (10) (November 22, 2010 - November 28, 2010)

Q: What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
A: There was money in the kitty*. * pun on the two meanings of "kitty" http://www.dict.cc/?s=kitty

Joke of the week [437 = year 9, #21]: "geddit?" (11) (November 29, 2010 - December 5, 2010)

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An impasta*. *"impasta" sounds like ??? Yes, you've got it: http://www.dict.cc/?s=imposter

Joke of the week [438 = year 9, #22]: "geddit?" (12) (December 6, 2010 - December 12, 2010)

A police officer notices a woman driving along and knitting at the same time. Driving up alongside her, he shouts out the window, "Pull over*!"
"No," she shouts, " a pair of socks!" * pun on "to pull over" (verb) and "pullover" (noun) http://www.dict.cc/?s=to+pull+over

Joke of the week [439 = year 9, #23]: "geddit?" (13) (December 13, 2010 - December 19, 2010)

A shipwrecked sailor wakes up on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red, too. He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. Then he sees that his skin is starting to turn dark red, too. "Oh no!" he says. "I think I've been marooned*!"
* pun on "to maroon"(verb) and "maroon" (adjective) http://www.dict.cc/?s=maroon

Joke of the week [440 = year 9, #24]: yet another Christmas joke (December 20, 2010 - December 26, 2010)

Consider the following:
1) You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants".
2) Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.
3) Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all the work for him. Yet he's the one everybody credits with the work.
4) Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40-hour week.
5) Santa travels a lot.
Yep, you guessed right: Santa is clearly an American university professor with tenure!
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http://www.wepsite.de/joke(74).htm          http://www.wepsite.de/joke(230).htm
http://www.wepsite.de/joke(75).htm          http://www.wepsite.de/joke(231).htm
http://www.wepsite.de/joke(127).htm        http://www.wepsite.de/joke(441).htm

Joke of the week [441 = year 9, #25]: Christmas again! (December 27, 2010 - January 2, 2011)

The four stages of life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus/Father Christmas.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus/Father Christmas.
3) You become Santa Claus/Father Christmas.
4) You look like Santa Claus/Father Christmas

Joke of the week [442 = year 9, #26]: Epiphany: the Three Wise Men (January 3, 2011 - January 9, 2011)

Q: What did the Virgin Mary say when she saw the Three Wise Men?
A: Typical, just like London buses, you wait ages and then three come at once!

Joke of the week [443 = year 9, #27]: "geddit?" (14) (January 10, 2011 - January 16, 2011)

An explorer comes across a pygmy standing next to a big, dead elephant. The explorer asks if he killed the elephant. "Oh, yes", replies the pygmy. "And how did you kill him?" asks the explorer. "With a club*," replies the pygmy. "That must have been a very large club," says the explorer. "Oh, yes, there's about 100 of us in the club*," answers the pygmy. * pun on the two meanings of "club" http://www.dict.cc/?s=club

Joke of the week [445 = year 9, #29]: "geddit?" (16) (January 24, 2011 - January 30, 2011)

Customer: "And what is this supposed to be?" complained an angry customer at a local café, pointing to the squashed doughnut on his plate.
Waiter: "It's what you ordered, sir," the waiter replied, not hiding his surprise. "I carried out your order to the letter: 'Bring me a coffee and a doughnut and step on it*!'"
* pun on the literal versus the idiomatic meaning of "to step on it" http://www.dict.cc/?s=to+step+on+it

Joke of the week [446 = year 9, #30]: "geddit?" (17) (January 31, 2011 - February 6, 2011)

Q: Why couldn't the woman buy a bakery shop?
A: She couldn't raise enough dough*. * pun on the literal versus slang meaning of "dough" http://www.dict.cc/?s=dough

Joke of the week [447 = year 9, #31]: "geddit?" (18) (February 7, 2011 - February 13, 2011)

Two fish are in a fish tank*.
Says the one to the other, "Any idea how to drive this thing?" * pun on the two meanings of "tank" http://www.dict.cc/?s=tank

Joke of the week [448 = year 9, #32]: "geddit?" (19) (February 14, 2011 - February 20, 2011)

Q: Why were the little strawberries upset?
A: Because their parents were in a jam*! * pun on the two meanings of "jam" http://www.dict.cc/?s=jam & http://www.dict.cc/?s=to+be+in+a+jam

Joke of the week [449 = year 9, #33]: "geddit?" (20) (February 21, 2011 - February 27, 2011)

Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A: A Roamin' * Catholic. * pun: "Roamin" sounds like ???

Joke of the week [450 = year 9, #34]: "geddit?" (21) (February 28, 2011 - March 6, 2011)

Q: What happens when frogs park illegally?
A: They get toad*. * homophone: "toad" sounds like ...

Joke of the week [451 = year 9, #35]: "geddit?" (22) (March 7, 2011 - March 13, 2011)

Q: When is a piece of wood like a king?
A: When it's a ruler*. * pun on the two meanings of "ruler" http://www.dict.cc/?s=ruler

Joke of the week [452 = year 9, #36]: "geddit?" (23) (March 14, 2011 - March 20, 2011)

Sleepless Night
Did you hear about the insomniac dyslexic? He stayed awake all night wondering if there was a dog*.
* Well, what do you expect? After all, the guy was a dyslexic (and so got his letters mixed up)!

Joke of the week [453 = year 9, #37]: "geddit?" (24) (March 21, 2011 - March 27, 2011)

                                                                          Watch out!
Two men walk into a bar*. You would have thought that at least one of them would have seen it!
        * pun on the two meanings of "bar"

Joke of the week [454 = year 9, #38]: "geddit?" (25) (March 28, 2011 - April 3, 2011)

Q: Why do dogs always put their puppies back in their basket?
A: Because they know they shouldn't leave their litter* lying around.
* pun on the two meanings of "litter" http://www.dict.cc/?s=litter

Joke of the week [455 = year 9, #39]: "geddit?" (26) (April 4, 2011 - April 10, 2011)

Q: What do you call a man buried in a garden?
A: Pete*. * homophone: "Pete" sounds like ... http://www.dict.cc/?s=peat

Joke of the week [456 = year 9, #40]: "geddit?": (27), idiom 1 (April 11, 2011 - April 17, 2011)

Q: What did the burglar say when arrested by a blonde police officer?
A: "It's a fair cop*." * pun on the idiom "it's a fair cop":
http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/It's+a+fair+cop

Joke of the week [457 = year 9, #41]: "geddit?": (28), idiom 2 (April 18, 2011 - April 24, 2011)

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?(July 12, 2010 - July 18, 2010)
A: It didn't have the guts*. * pun on the two meanings of "guts":
http://idioms.yourdictionary.com/have-the-guts

Joke of the week [458 = year 9, #42] "geddit?": (29), idiom 3 (April 25, 2011 - May 1, 2011)

Q: What does an Egyptian mummy do when he is angry?
A: He flips his lid*. * pun on the literal versus the idiomatic meaning of "to flip one's lid":
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/flip+one's+lid & http://idioms.yourdictionary.com/flip-one-s-lid

Joke of the week [459 = year 9, #43] "geddit?": (30), idiom 4 (May 2, 2011 - May 8, 2011)

Q: What should you do if two snails have a fight?
A: Leave them to slug it out*. *pun: snail ~ slug idiom: http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/slug+it+out

Joke of the week [460 = year 9, #44] "geddit?": (31), idiom 5 (May 9, 2011 - May 15, 2011)

Q: What did one lift say to the other?
A: I think I'm coming down with* something. *pun: literal versus idiomatic meaning of "to come down with (a cold/flu/virus)"
http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/come+down+with & http://www.dict.cc/englisch-deutsch/to+come+down+with+sth.html

Joke of the week [461 = year 9, #45] "geddit?": (32), idiom 6 (May 16, 2011 - May 22, 2011)

Q: Why is the sea superstitious?
A: Because it's been crossed* so often. *pun on "to cross the sea" versus "to make the sign of the cross"

Joke of the week [462 = year 9, #46] "geddit?": (33), idiom 7 (May 23, 2011 - May 29, 2011)

Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
A: I've got you covered*.    *pun on the literal versus the idiomatic meaning of "to have someone/something covered"
    http://www.linguee.com/english-german/search?sourceoverride=none&source=auto&query=I+have+got+you+covered

Joke of the week [463 = year 9, #47] "geddit?": (34), idiom 8  (May 30, 2011 - June 5, 2011)

Q: Why did the thief saw the legs off his bed?
A: He wanted to lie low*.              *pun on the literal versus the idiomatic meaning of to "lie low" [~ to keep a low profile]
      http://idioms.yourdictionary.com/lie-low & http://www.thefreedictionary.com/lie+low & http://www.phrasen.com/uebersetze,to-lie-low,71913,e.html

Joke of the week [464 = year 9, #48] "geddit?": (35), idiom 9 (June 6, 2011 - June 12, 2011)

Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed*.     *pun on the literal versus the idiomatic meaning of "to be framed"
     http://dict.leo.org/forum/viewUnsolvedquery.php?idThread=899038&idForum=2&lp=ende&lang=de &
     http://idiomsandexpressions.com/category/keywords/being-framed

Joke of the week [465 = year 9, #49] "geddit?": (36), idiom 10 (June 13, 2011 - June 19, 2011)

Q: What do you call a herd of cows that can't stop giggling?
A: Laughing stock.* *pun on the literal versus the idiomatic meaning of "laughing stock"
www.dict.cc/englisch-deutsch/laughing+stock.html & http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/laughing-stock.html

Joke of the week [466 = year 9, #50] "geddit?": (37), idiom 11 (June 20, 2011 - June 26, 2011)

Q: What happened when two silkworms had a race?
A: It ended in a tie*. *pun on the literal versus the idiomatic meaning of "to end in a tie"
www.phrasen.com/uebersetze,The-game-ended-in-a-tie,85905,e.html &
www.linguee.de/deutsch-englisch/search?sourceoverride=none&source=auto&query=end+in+a+tie

Joke of the week [467 = year 9, #51] "geddit?": (38), idiom 12 (June 27, 2011 - July 3, 2011)

Q: Why did the vampire have no friends?
A: He was a pain in the neck*. *pun on the literal versus the idiomatic meaning of "to be a pain in the neck"
www.phrasen.com/uebersetze,to-be-a-pain-in-the-neck,2247,e.html & www.linguee.de/deutsch-englisch/search?sourceoverride=none&source=auto&query=a+pain+in+the+neck

Joke of the week [468 = year 9, #52] "geddit?": (39), idiom 13 (July 4, 2011 - July 10, 2011)

Q: Why was the crab arrested.
A: It pinched something*. *pun on the literal versus the idiomatic meaning of "to pinch" [German: stehlen, klauen, mitgehen lassen, stibitzen etc.]
www.dict.cc/?s=to+pinch & http://dict.leo.org/ende?lp=ende&lang=de&searchLoc=0&cmpType=relaxed&sectHdr=on&spellToler=&search=to+pinch

T END OF NINTH YEAR

The whole collection so far: http://www.wepsite.de/joke_of_the_week.htm

Joke(s)of the week, index: http://www.wepsite.de/Joke(s)%20of%20the%20Week.htm