JOKE(S) OF THE
WEEK: FOURTH YEAR
of the week [157 = year 4, #1]: a guy walks into a bar ...
(July 18, 2005 - July 24, 2005)
of the week [158 = year 4, #2]: killing flies
(July 25, 2005 - August 31, 2005)
A wife walks into the
kitchen and sees her husband holding a fly swatter. She asks him, "Why
are you holding the fly swatter?" The husband says, "I'm killin'
flies." She asks, "Well, have you killed any yet?" He says,
"Yep, three males and two females." The wife, puzzled, says, "How
can you tell what sex they are?" The husband replies "Well, three
were on a beer can, and two were on the phone."
of the week [159 = year 4, #3]: American public school teacher
(August 1, 2005 – August 7, 2005)
What's the difference between an American public school teacher and a large
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
of the week [160 = year 4, #4]: three jokes: "crossing the road"
(August 8, 2005 - August 14, 2005)
Why do you always see opossums dead on the road?
A: Chickens use them to check for traffic.
Q: Why did the spider cross the road?
A: To get to another web site.
Q: Why did the hedgehog cross the road
A: To see his flatmate.
of the week [161 = year 4, #5]: duck joke (2)
(August 15, 2005 - August 21, 2005)
A duck goes into a drugstore to ask for lip gloss. The salesperson asks:
"Cash or credit card?" The duck replies: "Just put it on my
cf. duck joke (1): http://www.wepsite.de/joke(10).htm
of the week [162 = year 4, #6]: “senior moment”: hear, hear (1)
(August 22, 2005 – August 28, 2005)
Three old ladies meet on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so
strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.
"It's windy," said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the next.
"So am I ", said the third. "Let's go and have a drink."
senior moment: http://www.dict.cc/englisch-deutsch/senior+moment.html
of the week [163 = year 4, #7]: “senior moment”: hear, hear (2)
(August 29, 2005 – September 4, 2005)
Old Greenspan was showing off. "I bought a hearing aid yesterday. I
cost me three thousand bucks and it's state of the art." His friend
Silversteen replied: "What make is it, is it a Siemens one? You know
President Reagan used one of those, even though it was pretty useless in his
case." "Well, yes," Greenspan answered, "it's half past
of the week [164 = year 4, #8]: “senior moment”: memory test
(September 5, 2005 – September 11, 2005)
Three old men were at the doctor's for a memory test. The doctor
asked the first old man: "What is two times two?" "194,"
came the reply. The doctor turned to the second old man. "What is two
times two?" "Thursday," replied the second old man. Finally the
doctor addressed the third old man. "What is two times two?" "Four,"
came the answer. "That's great", said the doctor. "How did you
get that?" "Simple," said the third old man. "I subtracted
194 from Thursday!"
of the week [165 = year 4, #9]: Irish joke (5)
(September 12, 2005 - September 18, 2005)
of the week [166 = year 4, #10]: Irish joke (6)
(September 19, 2005 - September 25, 2005)
There was a terrible fog in Ireland. Two drivers collided. They groped
their way out of their cars and approached each other. "I had right of
way!" said the first. "Possibly, but it doesn't matter,"
replied the other. "We're in my garage."
of the week [167 = year 4, #11]: Rabbi Levi (1)
(September 26, 2005 - October 2, 2005)
Rabbi Levy had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends
with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and
noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing.
She asked him good-naturedly. "Rabbi, what have you done with the
"Oh, Sister," chuckled Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one
suffering Jew in this room was enough."
Levi (2): http://www.wepsite.de/joke(168).htm
of the week [168 = year 4, #12]: Rabbi Levi (2)
(October 3, 2005
- October 9, 2005)
Abe goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi Levy, something terrible is
happening and I have to talk about it."
Rabbi Levy asks, "What's wrong, Abe?"
Abe replies, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi is very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"
Abe then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What
should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what
I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I
spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
Abe anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison."
of the week [169 = year 4, #13]: Moses on Mt. Sinai
(October 10, 2005
- October 16, 2005)
The Hebrew people were sitting around Mt. Sinai. For hours now, Moses had
been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around
its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling
down. The end of the day was approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when
suddenly a figure came through the clouds and walked down the steep
mountainside carrying a heavy load. It was Moses. Moses set down his load and
raised his hands. "Friends," he said, friends, it was hard work and
I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him. I used every possible
argument I could think of - and I think I was successful. The good news: I
brought Him down from fifteen to ten. The bad news: adultery is still
of the week [170 = year 4, #14]: "Hebrews"[!]
(October 17, 2005
- October 23, 2005)
A husband and wife cannot decide who should brew the coffee in the
morning. "You should do it. You get up first, so we wouldn't have to wait
so long to get our coffee," says the wife. "No, you should do it.
You do the cooking," says the husband. "No, you should do it. It
says in the Bible that the husband should do it," says the wife. The
husband replies, "I don't believe that. Show me." So she opens the
Bible to the New Testament and shows him the book called "Hebrews."
of the week [171 = year 4, #15]: "degree in psychology..."
(October 24, 2005 - October 30, 2005)
Pete: "I somehow thought my degree in psychology, politics and
economics would help me to get a better job. I'm really disappointed."
Tom: "Don't be so pessimistic. At least you understand why you
can't get a job."
of the week [172 = year 4, #16]: eight Halloween jokes
(October 31, 2005 - November 6, 2005)
1) Q: Have you seen Quasimodo?
I have a hunch he's back!
2) Q: What did the little ghost have in
his rock collection?
3) Q: What do you call a monster with no
The Lost Neck Monster.
4) Q: What does a skeleton orders at a
What happens when a ghost haunts a theatre?
The actors get stage fright.
6) Q: What is a witch's favourite
subject in school?
7) Q: What is the tallest building in
The Vampire State Building.
8) Q: What kind of key opens a coffin?
A skeleton key
of the week [173 = year 4, #17]: mummy in the Negev Desert
(November 7, 2005 – November 13, 2005)
An archeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a
casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of the
Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3000-year old mummy of a man who died of heart
failure! the excited scientist exclaimed.
The curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later the curator called the archeologist, "You were right about
both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said '10,000 Shekels
of the week [174 = year 4, #18]: everybody, somebody ...
(November 14, 2005 – November 20, 2005)
Once upon a time, there were four people: Everybody, Somebody,
Nobody and Anybody. Whenever there was an important job to be
done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody
could have done it, but Nobody did. When Nobody did it, Everybody
got angry because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that
Somebody would do it. Consequently, Everybody blamed Somebody
when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.
of the week [175 = year 4, #19]: yet another lawyer joke
(November 21, 2005 – November 27, 2005)
Lucifer himself visited a lawyer's office and made an offer. "I can
arrange some things for you," the devil told the lawyer. "I'll
increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will
respect you; you will have four months of vacation each year and live to be a
hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's
souls and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer
thought for a moment, then asked, "What's the catch?"
of the week [176 = year 4, #20]:"heavenly baseball"
(November 28, 2005 - December 4, 2005)
of the week [177 = year 4, #21]: "college football"
(December 5, 2005 - December 11, 2005)
A football coach walked into a locker room before a game, looked over to
his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you
failed math, but we need you in there. So what I'll do is this: I'll ask you a
math question and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed,
so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now
concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is 2 plus 2?" The
player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you
say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right. Suddenly
all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give
him another chance!"
of the week [178 = year 4, #22]: "engine noise"
(December 12, 2005 - December 18, 2005)
Taxiing down the tarmac, a plane abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he
explained. "So it took an hour to fix the problem?" the passenger
asked. "No," he replied, "it took us an hour to find another
of the week [179 = year 4, #23]: Christmas stamps
(December 19, 2005 - December 25, 2005)
A woman went to the post office to buy some stamps for her Christmas
cards. "What denomination", asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens!
Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 30 Catholic,
10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran and 10 Presbyterian."
of the week [180
= year 4, #24]: Christmas like a day
in the office?
(December 26, 2005 - January 1, 2006)
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
Answer: You do all the work and a fat guy in a fancy suit gets all the
of the week [181 = year 4, #25]: "speeding old ladies"
(January 2, 2006 - January 8, 2006)
A policeman sees a car driving along the highway at only 22 miles per
hour and thinks, "Driving this slowly is as dangerous as speeding!"
So he stops the car. Four elderly ladies are inside, wide-eyed and white as
ghosts. The lady who is driving asks, "Officer, what have I done wrong? I
was doing 22, exactly the speed limit!" Smiling, the officer explains
that '22' is the name of the route, not the speed limit. "But before you
go on," says the policeman, " is everyone in the car alright? The
other ladies look like they're really afraid - and they haven't said a word."
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We've just left Route
of the week [182 = year 4, #26]: "winter sale"
(January 9, 2006 - January 15, 2006)
It was the opening day of the big winter sale. Rumours and the
advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long queue that
had formed by 8:30, the opening time, in front of the shop.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the queue, only to be pushed back,
amid loud and colourful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched
square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the
queue again. As he got up a second time, he said to the person at the end of
the line: "That does it! If they hit me once more, I won't open the shop!"
of the week [183 = year 4, #27]: "life after death"
(January 16, 2006 - January 22, 2006)
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his
"Yes, Sir," the employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she
stopped by to see you."
of the week [184 = year 4, #28]: "walking on water"
(January 23, 2006 - January 29, 2006)
Jimmy MacBraintwit had heard a rumour that his father, grandfather and
great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays. So, on his
21st birthday Jimmy and his cousin Bobby MacBraintwig went to the nearby loch.
"If they did it, I can too!" he insisted. They rented a boat and
started rowing. When they had reached the middle of the loch, Jimmy stepped
off the side of the boat ... and nearly drowned. Furious and somewhat ashamed,
he and Bobby headed for home. When he arrived back at the family farm, Jimmy
asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can't I walk on
water like my father and his father, and his father before him?" The
feeble old grandmother took Jimmy by the hands, looked into his eyes and
explained, "That's because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather
were born in January ... you were born in July."
of the week [185 = year 4, #29]: "a man walks into a bar"
(January 30, 2006 – February 5, 2006)
man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. I'll have a pint of beer and
a double whisky for Tiny here," he says. Curious, the barman asks, "Why
is he called tiny?" To which the man replies, "because he's my newt."
of the week [186 = year 4, #30]: two short linguistic jokes
(February 6, 2006 – February 12, 2006)
Question: What do you call it when someone calls Chomsky a conservative?
Question: Two linguists were walking down the street. Which one was the
specialist in contextually
deixis and anaphoric reference resolution strategies?
of the week [187 = year 4, #31]: another linguistic joke
(February 13, 2006 – February 19, 2006)
Two trucks loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus
collided as they left a London publishers last Friday, according to the Times.
Witnesses were said to be stunned, startled, aghast,
taken aback, stupefied ...
of the week [188 = year 4, #32]: "the art of translating"
(February 20, 2005 – February 26, 2006)
Ingenious Simultaneous Translator
A famous writer who was visiting Japan was invited to give a lecture at a
university to a large group of students. As most of them could not understand
spoken English, he had to have an interpreter.
During his lecture he told an amusing story which went on for rather a long
time. At last he stopped to allow the interpreter to translate it into
Japanese, and was very surprised when the man did this in a few seconds, after
which all the students laughed loudly.
After the lecture, the writer thanked the interpreter for his good work and
then said to him, "Now please tell me how you translated that long story
of mine into such a short Japanese one."
"I didn't tell the story at all," the interpreter answered with a
smile. "I just said, 'The honourable lecturer has just told a funny
story. You will all laugh, please'."
of the week [189 = year 4, #33]: four more linguistic jokes
(February 27, 2006 - March 5, 2006)
1) "Proficient": Good enough at angling to turn
2) "Superficial": Sort of like an official but much better at
3) "Unabated": Fishhook without a worm.
4) "Relay swimmers": To win a race, swimmers pool their
of the week [190 = year 4, #34]: seven medical definitions
(March 6, 2006 - March 12, 2006)
1) "Bacteria": Rear entrance to the cafeteria.
2) "Triage": The number of years that an oak or pine has been
3) "Paradox": Two doctors.
4) "Coma": Italian device for brushing your hair.
5) "Plastic surgery": Cutting up your credit cards.
6) "Insane": What you end up in if you jump off a bridge in
7) "Intravenous drip": Light rain, on planet Venus.
of the week [191 = year 4, #35]: driving prize
(March 13, 2006 - March 19, 2006)
A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had
been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the state-wide safety
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to buy a driver's license, and maybe some
insurance too" he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat.
"He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned,
"I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are
we over the border yet?"
of the week [192 = year 4, #36]: detective joke (1): Sherlock Holmes
(March 20, 2006 - March 26, 2006)
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping
trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that
there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be
approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is
all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we
will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone
has stolen our tent."
of the week [193 = year 4, #37]: "walking into a bar"(1)
(March 27, 2006 - April 2, 2006)
of the week [194 = year 4, #38]: "walking into a bar"(2)
(April 3, 2006 - April 9, 2006)
priest walks into a bar and asks the first patron "Do you want to go to
heaven?" and the guy replies "Of course, Father" and the priest
tells him to go stand against the wall by the door. The next guy standing at
the bar gets the same question "Do you want to go to heaven?" and
the guy replies "Yes, Father" so he tells him to go stand against
the wall by the door. The priest then goes to the next patron and asks him
"Do you want to go to heaven?" and the guy says "NO!"
The priest is shocked and says "You don't want
to go to heaven when you die?" And the guy replies "Well, yes,
Father, when I die; I thought you were getting together a group to go right
of the week [195 = year 4, #39]: "walking into a bar"(3)
(April 10, 2006 - April 16, 2006)
Minnesotan comes into a bar in north Arkansas, sits down and orders a
sarsparilla. The bartender and patrons look at him curiously. "You're not
from these parts, are you?" "No", he says, "I'm from
Minnesota." "What do you do in Minnesota", says the bartender.
"I'm a taxidermist." More silence and curiosity. "What do you
do?", said the bartender. "I mount animals", at which everybody
relaxes and the bartender says, "Don't worry boys, he's one of us."
of the week [196 = year 4, #40]:"walking into a bar"(4)
(April 17, 2006 - April 23, 2006)
young man from Texas walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The
bartender replies “Ya got any ID”? The young guy replies, “About what”?
of the week [197 = year 4, #41]: "walking into a bar"(5)
(April 24, 2006 - April 30, 2006)
Baby seal, first version:
A baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says,
"What will it be, stranger?"
The seal replies, "I'll have anything as long as
it's not a Canadian club."
Baby seal, second version:
seal walks into a bar, pulls himself up onto the barstool and the bartender
says, "What'll you have?" The baby seal replies, "Give me
anything but a Canadian club on the rocks."
of the week [198 = year 4, #42]: "walking into a bar"(6)
(May 1, 2006 - May 7, 2006)
pony walks into a bar, and in a low and raspy voice says to the bartender,
"Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Sure buddy, here you are",
adding, "sounds like you got a cough." The pony replies, "I'm a
of the week [199 = year 4, #43]: "walking into a bar"(7)
(May 8,2006 - May 14, 2006)
guy walks into a bar with an alligator. The bartender says, "Sorry, we
don't serve alligators here." The fellow asks, "Do you serve lawyers?"
The bartender says, "Yes." "Well," says the fellow, "serve
the lawyer to the alligator, and I'll have a hamburger!"
of the week [200 = year 4, #44]: "walking into a bar"(8)
(May 15, 2006 - May 21, 2006)
chameleon walks into a bar and sits on a stool. He yells "Hey, how about
a beer"! The bartender looks down and asks "Who said that"?
of the week [201 = year 4, #45]:"walking into a bar"(9)
(May 22, 2006 - May 28, 2006)
A kangarooo walks into a bar. The bartender gawks at him, not believing
his eyes. He's even more amazed when the kangaroo speaks.
"I'll have beer," he says, clearly and in perfect English.
The bartender pours him a beer, and gives him a price. The kangaroo looks at
him sharply, then shrugs, reaches into his large front pocket, and provides
exact change for the drink. The bartender continues to stare.
Finally, the kangaroo asks, "What are you looking at, bub?"
"Excuse me, it's just that we rarely get kangaroos in here."
"Well," says the kangaroo, "at these prices I'm not surprised."
of the week [202 = year 4, #46]: "two professors"
(May 29, 2006 - June 4, 2006)
was a history professor and a psychology professor sitting on a deck at a nudist colony. The
history professor asked the psychology
professor, "Have you read Marx?"
The psychology professor replied, "Yes, I think
it's from the wicker chairs." (geddit?)
of the week [203 = year 4, #47]:"sentencing"
(June 5, 2006 - June 11, 2006)
A prison governor is appalled by the poor standard of English used by the
inmates in his prison. To rectify this problem he decides to employ a teacher
from the local grammar school, to set up remedial classes. In the first lesson,
the teacher explains that she is going to start with the basics. "Who
knows what comes after a sentence?" she asks. All the prisoners answer
together, "The appeal!"
of the week [204 = year 4, #48]: "hunter & fisherman"
(June 12, 2006 - June 18, 2006)
difference between a hunter and a fisherman?
Answer: A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.
of the week [205 = year 4, #49]: "Yank bashing"(1)
(June 19, 2006 - June 25, 2006)
On the sixth day God turned to the archangel Gabriel and said: "Today
I'm going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding
natural beauty. It shall have tall, majestic mountains full of mountain goats
and eagles and beautiful sparkling lakes teeming with carp and trout. There
shall be forests full of elks, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches
with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon." God
continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so that the inhabitants
prosper, and I shall call these inhabitants Canadians. They shall be known as
the most friendly people on earth. "But Lord," asked Gabriel, "
don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?" "Not
really," God replied. "Just wait and see what neighbours I'm going
to give them."
of the week [206 = year 4, #50]:"Knot was shot"
(June 26, 2006 - July 2, 2006)
Ned Knot was shot and Sam Shot was not. So it is better to be Shot than
Some say Knot was not shot, but Shot says he shot Knot. Either the shot Shot
shot was not shot, or Knot was shot. If the shot Shot shot shot Knot, Knot was
shot, but if the shot Shot shot shot Shot, Shot was shot, not Knot. However:
the shot Shot shot shot not Shot, but Knot.
of the week [207 = year 4, #51]: "heavenly football"
(July 3, 2006 - July 9, 2006)
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about football. Satan
proposed a game to be played on neutral ground between the select team from
the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. "Very well," said
the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all
the good players and the best coaches." "I know, and that's all
right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the referees."
of the week [208 = year 4, #52]: "Aussie bashing"
(July 10, 2006 - July 16, 2006)
A Kiwi was hoping to emigrate to Australia. Upon his arrival in Australia,
he was questioned by a customs officer. "What is your business in
Australia?" "I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply. The
customs officer then asked, "Do you have a criminal record?"
Confused, the Kiwi then replied, "I didn't think you still needed one."
T END OF FOURTH YEAR
whole collection so far: http://www.wepsite.de/joke_of_the_week.htm
the week, index: http://www.wepsite.de/Joke(s)%20of%20the%20Week.htm