JOKE(S) OF THE
WEEK: SIXTH YEAR
of the week [261 = year 6, #1]: doctor jokes ctd.
(July 16, 2007 - July 22, 2007)
of the week [262 = year 6, #2]: mental home
(July 23, 2007 - July 29, 2007)
During a visit to a mental institution a visitor asks the director how he
decides if someone should be committed or not.
The director says, "Well, we fill a bath full of water, give the patient
a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket. We then ask them to empty the bath."
The visitor replies, "Oh, I see, and a normal person would use the bucket
as that's the quickest way."
The director then answers, "No, a normal person would pull the plug out
... would you like a room with or without a balcony?"
of the week [263 = year 6, #3]: lawyer jokes ctd.
(July 30, 2007 - August 5, 2007)
of the week [264 = year 6, #4]: flood (God 1)
(August 6, 2007 - August 12, 2007)
A man stayed in his house as a flood engulfed his town. Two men in a
rowboat came to his house and offered to take him to safety. "No, thank
you," the man said, "God will help me." As the waters rose, the
man retreated to the second floor of his house. Two men in a motorboat came by
and offered to rescue him. Again, the man declined, saying, "No, thank
you, God will help me." As the waters rose still higher, the man went on
to the roof of his house. A helicopter came by, and threw down a rope, urging
the man to grab it and be pulled up into the helicopter. Once more, the man
declined and said, "No, thank you, God will help me." Whereupon a
mighty voice called out to the man, "You idiot!" I sent you a
rowboat, a motorboat, and now a helicopter. What more do you want me to
of the week [265 = year 6, #5]: lottery ticket (God 2)
(August 13, 2007 - August 19, 2007)
Hugh is in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious
financial straits. He decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me.
I've lost my business and if I don't get some money soon, I'm going to lose my
house as well. Please, let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes and
somebody else wins the top prize. Hugh prays again, "God, please let me
win the lottery. I've lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my
car as well!" Lottery night comes and Hugh still has no luck. "Dear
God! I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are
starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant
to you. Please, let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back
in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light. Hugh is
confronted by the voice of God himself. "Hugh, my son, just meet me
halfway on this one. Buy a ticket!"
of the week [266 = year 6, #6]: The Walker, Billy Connolly (God 3)
(August 20, 2007 - August 26, 2007)
There was a guy, a Glasgow guy, and he was out for a walk and he was
doing "out-for-walk things". I'm not a great "go-for-walk"
person, but he was doing whatever people going for walks do ... Go for a walk,
walking. Oh, a tree, I'm glad I came. Oh, there's a bird, what a walk this is
turning out to be! And he was walking along some cliffs ... He went along
those cliffs and the sea was pounding on the rocks beneath "POUND"!
Oh, sea pounding on rock, it's great. What a walk! Right! So, look at that,
pounding. My legs are walking, they never think. And he fell off!
To get straight to the point: over the top. And he was hurtling towards the
sea, grabbing handfuls of fresh air as he went. "Help, I have fallen in
mid-walk!" And he was passing ... there was a bush sticking out, a bush
was sticking out of the cliff as he was passing it. (He) grabbed on (and) he's
hanging there. "HELP! HELP! ANYBODY UP THERE? ANYBODY UP THERE? - [God
in a soothing voice] "Yes, my son. I am up here, I am everywhere
... [Glasgow guy ] "Look, hey. I was out for a walk there and I
slipped on something and I fell down here and I am hanging onto this bush.
Bush here, I'm hanging on." - [God] "I know. I know all
things, I see all things, I am the father of all things." - [Glasgow
guy] "... very good. Look, I don't think you understand. I'm hanging
onto this bush and my hand is getting sore, I can't hold much longer!" -
[God] "I know. And your hand will get even sorer until you can
stand the pain no longer, you'll let go and plummet to your death on the rocks
below. But fear not, for you shall join me in heaven." - [Glasgow guy]
"IS THERE ANYBODY ELSE UP THERE?"
of a live performance by Billy Connolly at The Rainbow Theatre, London (1977)]
of the week [267 = year 6, #7]: The Parachutist, Billy Connolly (God 4)
(August 27, 2007 - September 2, 2007)
A Glasgow guy was learning no parachute and he was in the aeroplane and
he went up to the instructor and said: "Look, ... I don't want to look
stupid or anything, you know what I mean, but you've got to tell me again what
you do, I've totally forgotten, I'm panicking." He said: "Look,
there is nothing to it. Basically, you jump out of the door, a static line
will open your parachute and you'll float gently to the ground." - "Aye,
that's great, but look supposing it doesn't open?" He said: "In the
unlikely event of your parachute failing to open" - they always say
that (on) aeroplanes, don't they? 'In the unlikely event of this aeroplane
crashing into a mountain and bursting into flames, there is a life-jacket
under your seat. ... Put it on, come back to life, no problem!' - So he
said: "In the unlikely event of your parachute failing to open, you have
a reserve parachute in the front (?) with a red little handle. Give it a smart
tug, it will develop, you'll float gently to the ground." He said: "That's
great, sure, but what if it doesn't? Just suppose it doesn't." He said:
"In the EXTREMELY unlikely event of the reserve parachute failing to
develop, pray - preferably to Allah." "Yes," he said, "(but)
I'm a Christian." He said: "It doesn't matter, pray to Allah."
Okay. So he jumped out - nothing! And he is hurtling through the air and he is
trying to get it to open - nothing! So he's (trying to deploy) the reserve (parachute)
- the whole thing comes off. He is looking for his hanky. He is scudding
through the sky. He says: "What's the bloody thing I have to do? Oh, yeah!
ALLAH, ALLAH, HELP ME!" And a big black hand came out of the sky, picked
him (up) gently and placed him softly on the ground. He said: "Well,
thank Christ for that! And a big black foot went ... [sound of smashing]!!!
[Transcript of a live performance by Billy Connolly at The Rainbow
Theatre, London (1977)]
of the week [268 = year 6, #8]: cat's heaven (God 5)
(September 3, 2007 - September 9, 2007)
cat dies and goes to heaven. God says to him: "You've been a good cat all
these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cat says: "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family and had to
sleep on hardwood floors." God says: "Say no more." And
instantly a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to
heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer He made the cat and the
mice say in unison: "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by
cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller
skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says: "Say no more."
And instantly each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God checks to see how the cat is doing. "How are you
doing? Are you happy here?" He asks. The cat yawns and stretches and says,
"Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those meals on wheels You've
been sending over are simply delicious."
of the week [269 = year 6, #9]: rabbits (1)
(September 10, 2007 - September 16, 2007)
of the week [270 = year 6, #10]: rabbits (2)
(September 17, 2007 - September 23, 2007)
Q: What would you call a rabbit who is mad at the sun?
A: A hot
2) Q: What would you get if you crossed a rabbit with a bumblebee?
A: A honey
3) Q: How is a rabbit like a cornstalk?
A: They both have big ears.
of the week [271 = year 6, #11]: rabbits (3)
(September 24, 2007 - September 30, 2007)
Q: Why is a rabbit like a cent?
A: Because it
has a head on one end and a tail on the other.
2) Q: What's the difference between the Easter Bunny and a lumberjack?
A: One chews
and hops, the other hews and chops.
3) Q: What do you call a dumb bunny?:
A: A hare
of the week [272 = year 6, #12]: Rottweiler
(October 1, 2007 - October 7, 2007)
man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "Let's
have a look at him." So he picks up the dog and has a good look at his
eyes. "I'm going to have to put him down," says the vet. "What?
Because he's cross-eyed?" "No," replies the vet, "because
he's bloody heavy."
of the week [273 = year 6, #13]: crocodile & chicken
(October 8, 2007 - October 14, 2007)
A guy walks into a bar,
carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him,
and says to the bartender, "I'll have a Scotch and a soda." Then the
crocodile says, "And I'll have a whiskey sour." The dumbfounded
bartenders gasps, "I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And
the guy says, "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist."
of the week [274 = year 6, #14]: ventriloquist
(October 15, 2007 - October 21, 2007)
ventriloquist is working in the boondocks of Arkansas and during his show a
hick stands up and yells: "Hey, you on stage! All evenin' you been makin'
smart-ass remarks about us from Arkansas bein' dimwits. Well, mister, we ain't
all dumb, so you better watch it!" "Relax," said the
ventriloquist, "They are just jokes." "I'm not talkin' to you,"
the hick replied, "I'm talkin' to that little jerk sitting on your knee."
of the week [275 = year 6, #15]: VIP passenger
(October 22, 2007 - October 28, 2007)
Pope is late for a conference in New York. He hails a cab and says to the
cabbie, "I have to be at the UN building in 10 minutes." "No
way," replies the cabbie, "it takes at least half an hour to get
there." "Well, move over and let me drive," says the Pope. The
Pope flies along, dodging in and out of traffic, and zooms past a New York
policeman, who immediately pursues the speeding vehicle. When he caught up
with it and saw who was driving, he got on his radio for assistance. "This
is road patrol to base. I need some help. I've pulled someone over for
speeding and they are very big. What should I do?" "How big are they
- a local politician?" asked HQ. "Bigger." "A movie star?"
"Bigger than that." "The President?" "Bigger than
that." "Bigger than that!?" asked HQ bewildered. "Who the
hell is it?" "I don't know," replied the cop," but he's
got the Pope driving him around."
of the week [276 = year 6, #16]: dog at the movies
(October 29, 2007 - November 4, 2007)
man arrives at a cinema after the movie has already started. As his eyes
adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master
in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seems to be enjoying it:
wagging its tail in the happy bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the
scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dog's owner, "Wow,
mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!" Yes, so am
I," came the reply. "He hated the book."
of the week [277 = year 6, #17]: prison grammar
(November 5, 2007 - November 11, 2007)
prison governor is appalled by the poor standard of English used by the
inmates of his prison. To rectify this problem he decides to employ a teacher
from the local grammar school to set up remedial English classes. In the first
lesson, the teacher explains that she is going to start with the basics.
"Who knows what always comes after a sentence?" she asks. All the
prisoners answer together, "The appeal!"
of the week [278 = year 6, #18]: linguistics (1)
(November 12, 2007 - November 18, 2007)
linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In
English," he said "a double negative forms a positive. However, in
some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But
there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express
a negative", at which point a student is overheard commenting, "Yeah,
see also: http://www.wepsite.de/joke(368).htm
of the week [279 = year 6, #19]: a bear walks into a bar ...
(November 19, 2007 - November 25, 2007)
bear walks into a bar and says to the barman, "I'll have a pint of
............................. Guinness." The bartender asks, "Why
the big pause?" "Don't know," replies the bear. "I've
always had them."
of the week [280 = year 6, #20]: three friends in a bar ...
(November 26, 2007 - December 2, 2007)
friends were in a bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them
suggests that everyone should admit something they have never admitted to
anyone. "Okay," says George, "I've never told anybody I'm gay."
John follows, confessing :"I'm having an affair with the wife of my boss."
Now it's Kenneth's turn and he begins: "I don't know how to tell you
..." "Don't be shy, come on, out with it, Kenneth!", shout
George and John. "Well," says Kenneth with some hesitation,
"... I can't keep secrets."
of the week [281 = year 6, #21]: a priest and a rabbi ...
(December 3, 2007 - December 9, 2007)
priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment on a train. The priest trying to
tease the rabbi with the ritual regulations of the Jews asked: "When will
you finally decide to eat pork?" "On your wedding day, Reverend
Father," the rabbi replied.
of the week [282 = year 6, #22]: teaching science
(December 10, 2007 - December 16, 2007)
science teacher explained to his class that long waves can go around objects
but short waves cannot. Seeing blank faces, he picked up his hat, held it in
front of his face and asked the nearest pupil: "Can you see my
face?" "No, sir", the pupil answered. Then the teacher asked:
"Can you hear my voice?" and the pupil answered: "Yes, sir."
Then the teacher continued: "What does that show?" He hoped, of
course, for the answer that sound waves are long and light waves are short,
but the boy just replied: "You're talking through your hat, sir*."
* see: www.woxikon.de/eng/talk%20through%20one's%20hat.php
of the week [283 = year 6, #23]: another light bulb joke
(December 17, 2007 - December 23, 2007)
How many Country and Western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Yes, Four! One to change it, one to sing about his heartbreak at the
loss of the old one, one to sing
how madly in love he is with the new one, and one to go
and throw his hat in the air.
of the week [284 = year 6, #24]: Christmas
(December 24, 2007 - December 30, 2007)
mother announced one Christmas that she was no longer going to remind her
children to write their thank-you notes. As a result their grandmother never
received acknowledgement of the generous cheques she had given her
grandchildren. The next year, however, things were different. "The
children came over in person to thank me," the grandmother told a friend
triumphantly. "How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do
you think caused the change in behaviour?" "Oh, that's easy,"
the grandmother replied. "this year I didn't sign the cheques."
of the week [285 = year 6, #25]: New Year's Eve
(December 31, 2007 - January 6, 2008)
New Year's Eve, Mac, the worse for drink, stumbles through the front door of a
bar and orders a whisky. The bartender says, "Sorry, buddy, but you are
too drunk." A few minutes later, the drunk comes in through the back door.
Again he slurs, "Gimme a drink," and the bartender says, "No,
man, I told you last time - you are too drunk." Five minutes later the
guy climbs in through the bathroom window and orders a drink. Again the
bartender says, "You are too drunk." Whereupon the drunk scratches
his head and says, blimey, I guess I must be. The last two places said the
of the week [286 = year 6, #26]: on learning languages
(January 7, 2008 - January 13, 2008)
family of mice was surprised by a big cat, so up jumped Father Mouse and
shouted, "BARK!", whereupon the cat ran away. What was that, Father?"
asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, didn't I tell you that to survive in the
world of today you have to know foreign languages?"
of the week [287 = year 6, #27]: scientific logic
(January 14, 2008 - January 20, 2008)
biologist, a physicist and a mathematician see two people walk into a house. A
few minutes pass, then they see three people leave the house.
The biologist concludes that the people must have reproduced.
The physicist concludes that the original measurement must have contained an
The mathematician concludes that if one person enters the house it will be
of the week [288 = year 6, #28]: another elephant joke
(January 21, 2008 - January 27, 2008)
man is softly playing the piano one night in a downtown, smoke-filled bar. In
walks an elephant, sits down by the piano and while listening starts crying.
"What's the matter?" asks the pianist. Do you recognize the song?"
"Oh no, "sobs the elephant, "I recognize the piano keys."
of the week [289 = year 6, #29]: UFO
(January 28, 2008 - February 3, 2008)
flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed near a local gas station. On its
side were the letters "UFO". The gas station attendant was stunned,
but his curiosity got the better of him. "Does that stand for 'Unidentified
Flying Object'?" he asked. "No," one of the aliens replied.
"It stands for 'Unleaded Fuel Only'."
of the week [290 = year 6, #30]: boring lecture
(February 4, 2008 - February 10, 2008)
lecturer is droning away in the huge lecture hall when he notices a student
sleeping way up in the back row. The lecturer shouts to the sleeping student's
neighbour, "Hey, wake that student up!" The neighbour yells back,
"You put him to sleep, you wake him."
of the week [291 = year 6, #31]: good news - bad news (1)
11, 2008 - February 17, 2008)
have good news and bad news," a defence attorney told his client.
"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact
match with the sample found at the scene of the crime." "Oh, no -
I'm done for!" cried the client. "What's the good news?" "Your
cholesterol is down to 130!"
of the week [292 = year 6, #32]: "Zumwinkel"
(February 18, 2008 - February 24, 2008)
applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question
"Have you ever been arrested?" he answered "No." The next
question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last
one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got
of the week [293 = year 6, #33]: banks (1),"IKB", "Bayern
(February 25, 2008 - March 2, 2008)
president of one of the largest banks in the country was celebrating his 60th
birthday. Usually a very reticent man, he agreed on this occasion to be
interviewed by a journalist. "Sir, tell me, how did you become so
successful?" the journalist asked. "Two words," the president
answered. "And what are they, Sir?" the journalist asked.
"Right decisions," the president replied. The journalist continued:
"And how do you make right decisions?" "One word ....
experience", the president replied. "And how do you get experience,"
the journalist wanted to know. "Two words," the president answered.
"And what are they?" the journalist asked. "Wrong
decisions," the president replied.
of the week [294 = year 6, #34]: banks (2),"IKB", "Bayern
(March 3, 2008 - March 9, 2008)
NEWS JUST IN FROM JAPAN:
Origami Bank has
folded. Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai
Bank is planning to cut some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up
for sale and going for a song. Meanwhile, investors' trust in Kamikaze
Bank has nosedived. Some 500 employees at Karate Bank are getting
the chop, and analysts report fishy goings on at Sushi Bank,
whose employees are afraid they may get a raw deal.
of the week [295 = year 6, #35]: good news - bad news (2)
(March 10, 2008 - March 16, 2008)
woman phoned her husband at work. "Sorry, darling," he said, "I'm
really busy at the moment. I haven't got time to talk." "Oh, this
won't take long. It's just that I've got some good news and also some bad news."
"Look," he replied, "I really am busy. Just give me the good news."
"Well," she said, "the air bag works."
of the week [296 = year 6, #36]: facts of life, sex (1)
(March 17, 2008 - March 23, 2008)
father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Billy what was wrong. Oh, Dad, Johnny sobbed.
"When I was six I found out their was no Santa Claus, at seven no
Tooth Fairy and at eight no Easter Bunny. And if you tell me now that grownups
don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"
of the week [297 = year 6, #37]: psychiatrist (4), sex (2)
(March 24, 2008 - March 30, 2008)
man goes to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist draws a square on a piece of
paper. "What does that remind you of?" he asks the patient.
"Sex!" replies the man without hesitation. The psychiatrist then
draws a flower, a house, a cow, a ladder, a frying pan, and a bunch of keys.
Each picture reminds the man of sex. Finally, the psychiatrist tells the
patient, "You are a sex maniac." "Me?" says the patient
surprised. "You are the one drawing all those dirty pictures!"
of the week [298 = year 6, #38]: psychiatrist (5), kleptomaniac
(March 31, 2008 - April 6, 2008)
"Doctor, doctor, I can't help stealing things."
Psychiatrist: "Take one of these pills three times a day and that should
Patient: "But what if it doesn't?"
Doctor: "Well, in that case, just get me one of those cool iPod nano
of the week [299 = year 6, #39]: psychiatrist (6), weird joke!
(April 7, 2008 - April 13, 2008)
man walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."
The dentist replies, "I'd like to help you, but shouldn't you be seeing a
psychiatrist?" The man replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."
The dentist says, "Well then what are you doing here?" The man says,
"Your light was on."
of the week [300 = year 6, #40]: mistranslation
(April 14, 2008 - April 20, 2008)
woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want
you to eat normally for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure
for three weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five kilos."
When the woman returned three weeks later, the doctor was surprised to see
that she had lost over 10 kilos. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor
said. "Did you follow my instructions?" The woman nodded. "I
tell you what though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping."
of the week [301 = year 6, #41]: detective joke (2): jealous husband
(April 21, 2008 - April 27, 2008)
A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up
on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account
and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man
can get. Two weeks later, the detective calls the man and tells him he has all
the evidence he needs. They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them
are sitting there watching the videos. The man sees his wife meeting another
man, then the two of them are walking in the park laughing. Another series
shows her with a different man laughing and dancing. All together, he watches
a dozen or so different activities, each with a different man, each time both
she and the man are sharing obvious utter glee. "Amazing," said the
shocked husband, "simply amazing ! I just can't believe it." "What
can't you believe ?" asked the detective, "It's all right there for
you to see, plus I have all the times and dates in my log." "I know,
I know!" said the man, still in shock, "I just can't believe my wife
could be that much fun."
of the week [302 = year 6, #42]: three school/teacher jokes
(April 28, 2008 - May 4, 2008)
Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you ?
Pupil: Not very much !
Teacher: Did you parents help you with these homework problems ?
Pupil: No I got them all wrong by myself !
Q: What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher ?
A: Lots of blood tests !
of the week [303 = year 6, #43]: three more school/teacher jokes
(May 5, 2008 - May 11, 2008)
(Looking at a
"Well, Dennis you should never begin a sentence with 'because'".
Dennis: "Why not?"
Teacher: "Because I say so."
Dennis: "I ain't got a pencil."
Teacher: "Dennis, please, it's 'I haven't got a pencil, you
haven't got a pencil, he hasn't got a pencil, she hasn't got a pencil'".
Dennis: "Well, who 'as got a pencil then?"
Teacher: "Dennis, please, give me a sentence that begins with
Dennis: "I is ..."
Teacher: "No, no Dennis, you should always say 'I am'".
Dennis: "OK then, 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet'".
of the week [304 = year 6, #44]: restaurant joke (1)
(May 12, 2008 - May 18, 2008)
depressed-looking man is sitting in a cheap, greasy diner in a Leeds suburb.
He picks up the menu and sees that it contains just three dishes: meatloaf,
shepherd's pie and Yorkshire pudding. The waitress comes over to take his
order. "I'll have the Yorkshire pudding," says the man glumly,
"and if you could throw in a few kind words that would be mighty welcome."
The waitress leaves and returns a few minutes later with a plate of Yorkshire
pudding. She bangs the plate on the table in front of the man and starts to
walk off. "Hey," says the man. "I got my dinner; how about
those kind words?" The waitress turns, takes the cigarette out her mouth
and says, "Don't eat the pudding."
of the week [305 = year 6, #45]: restaurant joke (2)
(May 19, 2008 - May 25, 2008)
Jewish men go to a Chinese restaurant. While they are talking, one of them
wonders how many Jewish people there are in China. They both agree that there
must be some, but neither is sure how many. When the waiter comes over, they
ask him if there are any Chinese Jews. "I don't know," replies the
waiter. "I ask in the kitchen. They will know." So the waiter goes
to the kitchen, then comes back. "Sorry. No Chinese Jews," he says.
"What?" says one of the men. "No Chinese Jews at all?"
"Sorry," repeats the waiter. "We got orange Jews, apple Jews,
but no Chinese Jews."
of the week [306 = year 6, #46]: restaurant joke (3)
(May 26, 2008 - June 1, 2008)
goes into his favourite restaurant and orders his favourite dish: a bowl of
tomato soup. The soup arrives and Tony looks at it for a moment before
signalling the waiter to come back. "Taste the soup," says Tony.
"Why?" asks the waiter. "Just taste the soup!" says Tony.
"Sir, you've been coming in here almost every day for many years,"
says the waiter. "You've always enjoyed our soup." Tony says, "
I know. Taste the soup!" The waiter protests, "But what's wrong? Is
it too hot? Not hot enough? Tony says, "Taste the soup!" "But I
don't understand, sir," splutters the waiter. "Did we leave out the
salt? Perhaps you don't have enough bread? Is it the bread? Do you want more
bread? "Tony glares at the waiter, "Just - taste - the bloody -
soup!" he shouts. The waiter gives in, "All right, sir, all
right, I'll taste the soup!" He looks around, "Where's the spoon?"
"Aha!" says Tony.
of the week [307 = year 6, #47]: American presidents
(June 2, 2008 - June 8, 2008)
When I was young I was told anyone could be president. Now I'm beginning to
1b) In America anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
2) Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash
and no Hope.
of the week [308 = year 6, #48]: the English gentleman
(June 9, 2008 - June 15, 2008)
the Xenophobe's Guide to the English, Oval Books (2008):
Since the English
rarely say what they mean and tend towards reticence and understatement, their
humour is partly based on an exaggeration of this facet of their own character.
So, while in conversation they avoid truths which might lead to confrontation;
in their humour, they mock that avoidance. For instance:
At dinner in a great country house, one of the guests drinks rather too much
wine and, without warning, slumps across the table. The host rings for the
butler and when he arrives says. "Smithers, could you please prepare a
room. This gentleman has kindly consented to stay the night."
of the week [309 = year 6, #49]: Irish joke (13)
(June 16, 2008 - June 22, 2008)
Irishman and an Apache are walking through the Navajo desert when they hear a
"Woo! Woo!" sound coming from a nearby cave. The Apache tears off
his clothes and runs towards the cave, shouting "Woo! Woo!" in
return. "Why are you making this sound?" calls out the Irishman.
"And why are you stripped stark naked?" The Apache shouts back over
his shoulder, "It's a mating call and there's a woman in the cave who's
more than ready for you know what. Woo! Woo!" With that, the Apache runs
over to the cave and disappears inside. Suddenly the Irishman hears another
"Woo! Woo!" coming from over the hill. He runs to the top of the
hill and sees a large cave in the next valley. The "Woo! Woo!" noise
comes from the cave once more. "Hang on, me darlin'!" shouts the
Irishman. "I'm coming!" The Irishman runs down the slope tearing off
his clothes. "Woo! Woo!" he shouts, and runs into the cave. Next
day, the headline in THE DENVER POST reads, "NAKED IRISHMAN RUN
OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN."
of the week [310 = year 6, #50]: Irish joke (14)
(June 23, 2008 - June 29, 2008)
What do you call an Irishman hanging from the ceiling?
2) What do you call an Irishman bouncing off walls?
3) What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German?
A man who is too
drunk to follow orders!
of the week [311 = year 6, #51]: Irish joke (15)
(June 30, 2008 - July 6, 2008)
once was a 98-year-old Irish nun, who lived out her days in her convent in
County Tipperary. She was very frail and her health was beginning to fail. So
her doctor prescribed her a shot of whisky three times a day to "fortify"
her, as he put it. However, the nun would hear none of it, saying that she
hadn't had even the tiniest drop of alcohol throughout her whole life and
certainly wouldn't give in to the devil's worldly temptations now, at the end
of her days. But the mother superior found a way out of the dilemma. She knew
that the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the
milk three times a day. Eventually, the pious nun approached her final hour.
As several sisters gathered around her at her bedside, the mother superior
asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom. "Oh, yes."
she replied. "Never sell that cow!"
of the week [312 = year 6, #52]: computers, IT (1)
(July 7, 2008 - July 13, 2008)
Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening
2) Q: What did the computer do at lunchtime?
A: Had a byte!
3) Q: Why was the IT support worker bad-tempered?
A: Because he
had a chip on his shoulder.
4) F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
T END OF SIXTH YEAR
whole collection so far: http://www.wepsite.de/joke_of_the_week.htm
the week, index: http://www.wepsite.de/Joke(s)%20of%20the%20Week.htm
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