A 90-year old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later, when the old man had a second appointment to get the results of the check-up, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you? You seem chirpy enough!" The man replied, "I'm just doing what you told me I should do: 'Get a hot mama and be cheerful,' and it works wonders. Horrified, the doctor said: "I didn't say that! I said 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
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During a visit to a mental institution a visitor asks the director how he decides if someone should be committed or not.
The director says, "Well, we fill a bath full of water, give the patient a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket. We then ask them to empty the bath."
The visitor replies, "Oh, I see, and a normal person would use the bucket as that's the quickest way."
The director then answers, "No, a normal person would pull the plug out ... would you like a room with or without a balcony?"

A man was sitting quietly in a bar when someone shouted, "All lawyers are jerks!" The man jumped to his feet and said , "I resent that." "So you are a lawyer, are you?" the barman asked. "No," the man replied, "I'm a jerk."
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A man stayed in his house as a flood engulfed his town. Two men in a rowboat came to his house and offered to take him to safety. "No, thank you," the man said, "God will help me." As the waters rose, the man retreated to the second floor of his house. Two men in a motorboat came by and offered to rescue him. Again, the man declined, saying, "No, thank you, God will help me." As the waters rose still higher, the man went on to the roof of his house. A helicopter came by, and threw down a rope, urging the man to grab it and be pulled up into the helicopter. Once more, the man declined and said, "No, thank you, God will help me." Whereupon a mighty voice called out to the man, "You idiot!" I sent you a rowboat, a motorboat, and now a helicopter. What more do you want me to do?"

Hugh is in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial straits. He decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money soon, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please, let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes and somebody else wins the top prize. Hugh prays again, "God, please let me win the lottery. I've lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car as well!" Lottery night comes and Hugh still has no luck. "Dear God! I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please, let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light. Hugh is confronted by the voice of God himself. "Hugh, my son, just meet me halfway on this one. Buy a ticket!"

There was a guy, a Glasgow guy, and he was out for a walk and he was doing "out-for-walk things". I'm not a great "go-for-walk" person, but he was doing whatever people going for walks do ... Go for a walk, walking. Oh, a tree, I'm glad I came. Oh, there's a bird, what a walk this is turning out to be! And he was walking along some cliffs ... He went along those cliffs and the sea was pounding on the rocks beneath "POUND"! Oh, sea pounding on rock, it's great. What a walk! Right! So, look at that, pounding. My legs are walking, they never think. And he fell off! To get straight to the point: over the top. And he was hurtling towards the sea, grabbing handfuls of fresh air as he went. "Help, I have fallen in mid-walk!" And he was passing ... there was a bush sticking out, a bush was sticking out of the cliff as he was passing it. (He) grabbed on (and) he's hanging there. "HELP! HELP! ANYBODY UP THERE? ANYBODY UP THERE? - [God in a soothing voice] "Yes, my son. I am up here, I am everywhere ... [Glasgow guy ] "Look, hey. I was out for a walk there and I slipped on something and I fell down here and I am hanging onto this bush. Bush here, I'm hanging on." - [God] "I know. I know all things, I see all things, I am the father of all things." - [Glasgow guy] "... very good. Look, I don't think you understand. I'm hanging onto this bush and my hand is getting sore, I can't hold much longer!" - [God] "I know. And your hand will get even sorer until you can stand the pain no longer, you'll let go and plummet to your death on the rocks below. But fear not, for you shall join me in heaven." - [Glasgow guy] "IS THERE ANYBODY ELSE UP THERE?"
        [Transcript of a live performance by Billy Connolly at The Rainbow Theatre, London (1977)]

A Glasgow guy was learning no parachute and he was in the aeroplane and he went up to the instructor and said: "Look, ... I don't want to look stupid or anything, you know what I mean, but you've got to tell me again what you do, I've totally forgotten, I'm panicking." He said: "Look, there is nothing to it. Basically, you jump out of the door, a static line will open your parachute and you'll float gently to the ground." - "Aye, that's great, but look supposing it doesn't open?" He said: "In the unlikely event of your parachute failing to open" - they always say that (on) aeroplanes, don't they? 'In the unlikely event of this aeroplane crashing into a mountain and bursting into flames, there is a life-jacket under your seat. ... Put it on, come back to life, no problem!' - So he said: "In the unlikely event of your parachute failing to open, you have a reserve parachute in the front (?) with a red little handle. Give it a smart tug, it will develop, you'll float gently to the ground." He said: "That's great, sure, but what if it doesn't? Just suppose it doesn't." He said: "In the EXTREMELY unlikely event of the reserve parachute failing to develop, pray - preferably to Allah." "Yes," he said, "(but) I'm a Christian." He said: "It doesn't matter, pray to Allah." Okay. So he jumped out - nothing! And he is hurtling through the air and he is trying to get it to open - nothing! So he's (trying to deploy) the reserve (parachute) - the whole thing comes off. He is looking for his hanky. He is scudding through the sky. He says: "What's the bloody thing I have to do? Oh, yeah! ALLAH, ALLAH, HELP ME!" And a big black hand came out of the sky, picked him (up) gently and placed him softly on the ground. He said: "Well, thank Christ for that! And a big black foot went ... [sound of smashing]!!!
           [Transcript of a live performance by Billy Connolly at The Rainbow Theatre, London (1977)]

A cat dies and goes to heaven. God says to him: "You've been a good cat all these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cat says: "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says: "Say no more." And instantly a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer He made the cat and the mice say in unison: "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says: "Say no more." And instantly each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God checks to see how the cat is doing. "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" He asks. The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those meals on wheels You've been sending over are simply delicious."

1) Q: What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards?
    A: A receding hare line.
2) Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
    A: It's been nice gnawing you.
3) Q: What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit cent?
    A: One is a mad bunny and the other is bad money.
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1) Q: What would you call a rabbit who is mad at the sun?
    A: A hot cross bunny.
2) Q: What would you get if you crossed a rabbit with a bumblebee?
    A: A honey bunny.
3) Q: How is a rabbit like a cornstalk?
    A: They both have big ears.

1) Q: Why is a rabbit like a cent?
    A: Because it has a head on one end and a tail on the other.
2) Q: What's the difference between the Easter Bunny and a lumberjack?
    A: One chews and hops, the other hews and chops.
3) Q: What do you call a dumb bunny?:
    A: A hare brain.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "Let's have a look at him." So he picks up the dog and has a good look at his eyes. "I'm going to have to put him down," says the vet. "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No," replies the vet, "because he's bloody heavy."

A guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the bartender, "I'll have a Scotch and a soda." Then the crocodile says, "And I'll have a whiskey sour." The dumbfounded bartenders gasps, "I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And the guy says, "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist."

A ventriloquist is working in the boondocks of Arkansas and during his show a hick stands up and yells: "Hey, you on stage! All evenin' you been makin' smart-ass remarks about us from Arkansas bein' dimwits. Well, mister, we ain't all dumb, so you better watch it!" "Relax," said the ventriloquist, "They are just jokes." "I'm not talkin' to you," the hick replied, "I'm talkin' to that little jerk sitting on your knee."

The Pope is late for a conference in New York. He hails a cab and says to the cabbie, "I have to be at the UN building in 10 minutes." "No way," replies the cabbie, "it takes at least half an hour to get there." "Well, move over and let me drive," says the Pope. The Pope flies along, dodging in and out of traffic, and zooms past a New York policeman, who immediately pursues the speeding vehicle. When he caught up with it and saw who was driving, he got on his radio for assistance. "This is road patrol to base. I need some help. I've pulled someone over for speeding and they are very big. What should I do?" "How big are they - a local politician?" asked HQ. "Bigger." "A movie star?" "Bigger than that." "The President?" "Bigger than that." "Bigger than that!?" asked HQ bewildered. "Who the hell is it?" "I don't know," replied the cop," but he's got the Pope driving him around."

A man arrives at a cinema after the movie has already started. As his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seems to be enjoying it: wagging its tail in the happy bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dog's owner, "Wow, mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!" Yes, so am I," came the reply. "He hated the book."

A prison governor is appalled by the poor standard of English used by the inmates of his prison. To rectify this problem he decides to employ a teacher from the local grammar school to set up remedial English classes. In the first lesson, the teacher explains that she is going to start with the basics. "Who knows what always comes after a sentence?" she asks. All the prisoners answer together, "The appeal!"

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative", at which point a student is overheard commenting, "Yeah, right."
see also: http://www.wepsite.de/joke(368).htm

A bear walks into a bar and says to the barman, "I'll have a pint of ............................. Guinness." The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?" "Don't know," replies the bear. "I've always had them."

Three friends were in a bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone should admit something they have never admitted to anyone. "Okay," says George, "I've never told anybody I'm gay." John follows, confessing :"I'm having an affair with the wife of my boss." Now it's Kenneth's turn and he begins: "I don't know how to tell you ..." "Don't be shy, come on, out with it, Kenneth!", shout George and John. "Well," says Kenneth with some hesitation, "... I can't keep secrets."

A priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment on a train. The priest trying to tease the rabbi with the ritual regulations of the Jews asked: "When will you finally decide to eat pork?" "On your wedding day, Reverend Father," the rabbi replied.

The science teacher explained to his class that long waves can go around objects but short waves cannot. Seeing blank faces, he picked up his hat, held it in front of his face and asked the nearest pupil: "Can you see my face?" "No, sir", the pupil answered. Then the teacher asked: "Can you hear my voice?" and the pupil answered: "Yes, sir." Then the teacher continued: "What does that show?" He hoped, of course, for the answer that sound waves are long and light waves are short, but the boy just replied: "You're talking through your hat, sir*."
* see:  www.woxikon.de/eng/talk%20through%20one's%20hat.php ]

Q: How many Country and Western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four.
Q: Four?
A: Yes, Four! One to change it, one to sing about his heartbreak at the loss of the old one, one to sing
      about how madly in love he is with the new one, and one to go
   "Yeeeeee-Hah!" and throw his hat in the air.

A mother announced one Christmas that she was no longer going to remind her children to write their thank-you notes. As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgement of the generous cheques she had given her grandchildren. The next year, however, things were different. "The children came over in person to thank me," the grandmother told a friend triumphantly. "How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behaviour?" "Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "this year I didn't sign the cheques."

On New Year's Eve, Mac, the worse for drink, stumbles through the front door of a bar and orders a whisky. The bartender says, "Sorry, buddy, but you are too drunk." A few minutes later, the drunk comes in through the back door. Again he slurs, "Gimme a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time - you are too drunk." Five minutes later the guy climbs in through the bathroom window and orders a drink. Again the bartender says, "You are too drunk." Whereupon the drunk scratches his head and says, blimey, I guess I must be. The last two places said the same thing."

A family of mice was surprised by a big cat, so up jumped Father Mouse and shouted, "BARK!", whereupon the cat ran away. What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, didn't I tell you that to survive in the world of today you have to know foreign languages?"

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician see two people walk into a house. A few minutes pass, then they see three people leave the house.
The biologist concludes that the people must have reproduced.
The physicist concludes that the original measurement must have contained an inaccuracy.
The mathematician concludes that if one person enters the house it will be empty again.

A man is softly playing the piano one night in a downtown, smoke-filled bar. In walks an elephant, sits down by the piano and while listening starts crying. "What's the matter?" asks the pianist. Do you recognize the song?" "Oh no, "sobs the elephant, "I recognize the piano keys."

A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed near a local gas station. On its side were the letters "UFO". The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the better of him. "Does that stand for 'Unidentified Flying Object'?" he asked. "No," one of the aliens replied. "It stands for 'Unleaded Fuel Only'."

A lecturer is droning away in the huge lecture hall when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The lecturer shouts to the sleeping student's neighbour, "Hey, wake that student up!" The neighbour yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him."

"I have good news and bad news," a defence attorney told his client. "First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found at the scene of the crime." "Oh, no - I'm done for!" cried the client. "What's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is down to 130!"

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question "Have you ever been arrested?" he answered "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

The president of one of the largest banks in the country was celebrating his 60th birthday. Usually a very reticent man, he agreed on this occasion to be interviewed by a journalist. "Sir, tell me, how did you become so successful?" the journalist asked. "Two words," the president answered. "And what are they, Sir?" the journalist asked. "Right decisions," the president replied. The journalist continued: "And how do you make right decisions?" "One word .... experience", the president replied. "And how do you get experience," the journalist wanted to know. "Two words," the president answered. "And what are they?"  the journalist asked. "Wrong decisions," the president replied.

FINANCIAL NEWS JUST IN FROM JAPAN:
Origami Bank has folded. Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank is planning to cut some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and going for a song. Meanwhile, investors' trust in Kamikaze Bank has nosedived. Some 500 employees at Karate Bank are getting the chop, and analysts report fishy goings on at Sushi Bank, whose employees are afraid they may get a raw deal.

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Billy what was wrong. Oh, Dad, Johnny sobbed. "When I was six I found out their was no Santa Claus, at seven  no Tooth Fairy and at eight no Easter Bunny. And if you tell me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

A man goes to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist draws a square on a piece of paper. "What does that remind you of?" he asks the patient. "Sex!" replies the man without hesitation. The psychiatrist then draws a flower, a house, a cow, a ladder, a frying pan, and a bunch of keys. Each picture reminds the man of sex. Finally, the psychiatrist tells the patient, "You are a sex maniac." "Me?" says the patient surprised. "You are the one drawing all those dirty pictures!"

Patient: "Doctor, doctor, I can't help stealing things."
Psychiatrist: "Take one of these pills three times a day and that should help you.
Patient: "But what if it doesn't?"
Doctor: "Well, in that case, just get me one of those cool iPod nano players, OK?"

A man walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." The dentist replies, "I'd like to help you, but shouldn't you be seeing a psychiatrist?" The man replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist." The dentist says, "Well then what are you doing here?" The man says, "Your light was on."

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat normally for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for three weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five kilos." When the woman returned three weeks later, the doctor was surprised to see that she had lost over 10 kilos. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?" The woman nodded. "I tell you what though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping."

A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get. Two weeks later, the detective calls the man and tells him he has all the evidence he needs. They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them are sitting there watching the videos. The man sees his wife meeting another man, then the two of them are walking in the park laughing. Another series shows her with a different man laughing and dancing. All together, he watches a dozen or so different activities, each with a different man, each time both she and the man are sharing obvious utter glee. "Amazing," said the shocked husband, "simply amazing ! I just can't believe it." "What can't you believe ?" asked the detective, "It's all right there for you to see, plus I have all the times and dates in my log." "I know, I know!" said the man, still in shock, "I just can't believe my wife could be that much fun."

Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you ?
Pupil: Not very much !

Teacher: Did you parents help you with these homework problems ?
Pupil: No I got them all wrong by myself !

Q: What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher ?
A: Lots of blood tests !

Teacher: (Looking at a pupil's copybook) "Well, Dennis you should never begin a sentence with 'because'".
Dennis: "Why not?"
Teacher: "Because I say so."

Dennis: "I ain't got a pencil."
Teacher: "Dennis, please, it's 'I haven't got a pencil, you haven't got a pencil, he hasn't got a pencil, she hasn't got a pencil'".
Dennis: "Well, who 'as got a pencil then?"

Teacher: "Dennis, please, give me a sentence that begins with 'I'".
Dennis: "I is ..."
Teacher: "No, no Dennis, you should always say 'I am'".
Dennis: "OK then, 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet'".

A depressed-looking man is sitting in a cheap, greasy diner in a Leeds suburb. He picks up the menu and sees that it contains just three dishes: meatloaf, shepherd's pie and Yorkshire pudding. The waitress comes over to take his order. "I'll have the Yorkshire pudding," says the man glumly, "and if you could throw in a few kind words that would be mighty welcome." The waitress leaves and returns a few minutes later with a plate of Yorkshire pudding. She bangs the plate on the table in front of the man and starts to walk off. "Hey," says the man. "I got my dinner; how about those kind words?" The waitress turns, takes the cigarette out her mouth and says, "Don't eat the pudding."

Two Jewish men go to a Chinese restaurant. While they are talking, one of them wonders how many Jewish people there are in China. They both agree that there must be some, but neither is sure how many. When the waiter comes over, they ask him if there are any Chinese Jews. "I don't know," replies the waiter. "I ask in the kitchen. They will know." So the waiter goes to the kitchen, then comes back. "Sorry. No Chinese Jews," he says. "What?" says one of the men. "No Chinese Jews at all?" "Sorry," repeats the waiter. "We got orange Jews, apple Jews, but no Chinese Jews."

Tony goes into his favourite restaurant and orders his favourite dish: a bowl of tomato soup. The soup arrives and Tony looks at it for a moment before signalling the waiter to come back. "Taste the soup," says Tony. "Why?" asks the waiter. "Just taste the soup!" says Tony. "Sir, you've been coming in here almost every day for many years," says the waiter. "You've always enjoyed our soup." Tony says, " I know. Taste the soup!" The waiter protests, "But what's wrong? Is it too hot? Not hot enough? Tony says, "Taste the soup!" "But I don't understand, sir," splutters the waiter. "Did we leave out the salt? Perhaps you don't have enough bread? Is it the bread? Do you want more bread? "Tony glares at the waiter, "Just - taste - the bloody - soup!" he shouts. The waiter gives in, "All right, sir, all right, I'll taste the soup!" He looks around, "Where's the spoon?" "Aha!" says Tony.

1a) When I was young I was told anyone could be president. Now I'm beginning to believe it
1b) In America anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
2) Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.

From the Xenophobe's Guide to the English, Oval Books (2008):
Since the English rarely say what they mean and tend towards reticence and understatement, their humour is partly based on an exaggeration of this facet of their own character. So, while in conversation they avoid truths which might lead to confrontation; in their humour, they mock that avoidance. For instance:
At dinner in a great country house, one of the guests drinks rather too much wine and, without warning, slumps across the table. The host rings for the butler and when he arrives says. "Smithers, could you please prepare a room. This gentleman has kindly consented to stay the night."

An Irishman and an Apache are walking through the Navajo desert when they hear a "Woo! Woo!" sound coming from a nearby cave. The Apache tears off his clothes and runs towards the cave, shouting "Woo! Woo!" in return. "Why are you making this sound?" calls out the Irishman. "And why are you stripped stark naked?" The Apache shouts back over his shoulder, "It's a mating call and there's a woman in the cave who's more than ready for you know what. Woo! Woo!" With that, the Apache runs over to the cave and disappears inside. Suddenly the Irishman hears another "Woo! Woo!" coming from over the hill. He runs to the top of the hill and sees a large cave in the next valley. The "Woo! Woo!" noise comes from the cave once more. "Hang on, me darlin'!" shouts the Irishman. "I'm coming!" The Irishman runs down the slope tearing off his clothes. "Woo! Woo!" he shouts, and runs into the cave. Next day, the headline in THE DENVER POST reads, "NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN."

1) What do you call an Irishman hanging from the ceiling?
     Sean DaLeer.
2) What do you call an Irishman bouncing off walls?
    Rick O'Shay
3) What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German?
    A man who is too drunk to follow orders!

There once was a 98-year-old Irish nun, who lived out her days in her convent in County Tipperary. She was very frail and her health was beginning to fail. So her doctor prescribed her a shot of whisky three times a day to "fortify" her, as he put it. However, the nun would hear none of it, saying that she hadn't had even the tiniest drop of alcohol throughout her whole life and certainly wouldn't give in to the devil's worldly temptations now, at the end of her days. But the mother superior found a way out of the dilemma. She knew that the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day. Eventually, the pious nun approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at her bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom. "Oh, yes." she replied. "Never sell that cow!"

1) Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.
2) Q: What did the computer do at lunchtime?
    A: Had a byte!
3) Q: Why was the IT support worker bad-tempered?
    A: Because he had a chip on his shoulder.
4) F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.