JOKE(S) OF THE
WEEK: THIRD YEAR
Joke of the week [105 = year 3, #1]: Irish joke (2)
(July 19, 2004 - July 25, 2004)
old Irishman is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his bedside,
expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the boy and
says, "Son, it's time for you to get me a Protestant minister."
The son is astounded. "But, Dad!" he protests, "You've been a
good Catholic all your life! You're delirious. It's a priest ye be wanting now,
not a minister. "The old man looks up at him and says, "Son, please.
It's me last request. Get a minister for me!" "But, Dad," cries
the son, "Ye raised me a good Catholic. You've been a good Catholic all
your life. Ye don't want a minister at a time like this!" The old man
manages to croak out the words, "Son, if you respect me and love me as a
father, you'll go out and get me a Protestant minister right now.
"The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to
the house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him. As the minister is
leaving the house, he passes Father O'Malley coming quickly through the door.
The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the priest. "I'm afraid
you're too late, Father," he says. "He's a Protestant now."
Father O'Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old man's room.
"Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?" he cries. "You were such a good
Catholic! We went to St. Mary's together! You were there when I performed my
first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like this?"
"Well," the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend. "I
figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of them
than one of us."
Joke of the week [106 = year 3, #2]: Irish joke (3)
(July 26, 2004 - August 1, 2004)
O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the
confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot
down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I
also knocked off a British captain!" When there was still no response
from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?" "Of
course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for
you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"
Joke of the week [107 = year 3, #3] Irish joke (4)
(August 2, 2004 - August 8, 2004)
What do you call an Irishman in a tree?
A: A branch manager.
Did you hear about the queer Irishman? Sorry,
these jokes are indeed POLITICALLY INCORRECT!
He liked women better than whisk(e)y.
Have you heard about the Irish parachute?
It opens on impact.
Joke of the week [108 = year 3, #4]: Welsh joke (1)
(August 9, 2004 - August 15, 2004)
Welsh place names
Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started
arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the
counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please
settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very
slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr,
gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing." American
Joke of the week [109 = year 3, #5]: Welsh joke (2)
(August 16, 2004 – August 22, 2004)
The drunk passenger
A prominent Welsh minister travelling home one night was greatly annoyed when
a young man much the worse for drink came and sat next to him on the bus.
"Young man," he declared, "do you not realise you are on the
road to perdition?"
"Oh, hell," replied the drunkard, "I could have sworn this bus
went to Llanelli."
Joke of the week [110 = year 3, #6]: Welsh joke (3)
(August 23, 2004 - August 29, 2004)
When you can see the
coast of Devon from Swansea, it is going to rain.
When you can't, it's raining already.
Joke of the week [111 = year 3, #7]: Welsh
joke (4) & cricket (1)
(August 30, 2004 – September 5, 2004)
Welsh weather (2)
And now the latest news from the Glamorgan county cricket ground at St.
Helen's in Swansea:
Two and a half inches of rain have fallen for seven runs.
Joke of the week [112 = year 3, #8]: cricket joke (2)
(September 6, 2004 - September 12, 2004)
Making it rain
No rain had fallen for months and the group of Indians were faced with a long
drought. Suddenly, one spoke up. 'When I was in England I saw something that
might work. What happens is that two men in white coats go into a field and
hammer six poles into the ground, then another two men with clubs appear and
stand in front of the poles. Then eleven men, also in white, come out holding
a ball, and then, just when they are all spread round the field, that's when
the rain comes pouring down !
Joke of the week [113 = year 3, #9]: cricket joke (3)
(September 13, 2004 - September 19, 2004)
Playing on Sunday
played cricket on Sunday. This troubled his wife, who asked the vicar "Is
it a sin for him to play on Sunday?" " It's not a sin,” replied
the vicar. "The way he plays, it's a crime! "
Joke of the week [114 = year 3, #10]: cricket joke (4)
(September 20, 2004 - September 26, 2004)
you know who I am?
The bowler sent down a good ball which caught the batsman on the pads.
"Owwzat!" shouted the bowler
"Out", said the umpire, raising his finger.
"I'll have you know, my good man," said the noble batsman
"that I am Sir Roland Smythe- Montmorency."
"In that case, "said the umpire "I'm afraid you're both
Joke of the week [115 = year 3, #11] threeSpanish jokes
(September 27, 2004 - October 3, 2004)
1) Doctor, doctor, veo elefantes azules por todas partes.
doctor, I see blue elephants everywhere."]
- ¿Ha visto ya a un psicólogo?
you seen a psychologist yet?"]
- No, sólo elefantes azules.
just blue elephants." ]
2) - Doctor, doctor, ¿qué tal ha ido el parto?
["Doctor, doctor, how did the birth go?"]
- Bueno, todo muy bien, pero a su hijo le hemos tenido que poner oxígeno.
["Well, everything very well, but we have had to put on your
son [= put your son on] oxygen." (ponerle = "put on him ")]
- ¿¿Oxígeno?? Con
la ilusión que a mí me hacía ponerle Federico...
And after my heart was so set on calling him Federico . . . " (ponerle =
3) - Doctor,
doctor, tengo tendencias suicidas, ¿qué hago?
doctor, I have suicidal tendencies. What should I do?"]
- Págueme ya mismo.
["Pay me this instant."]
Joke of the week [116 = year 3, #12]: more "daft definitions"
(October 4, 2004 - October 10, 2004)
de place where de cowboys ride home to.
Disgruntled: a pig that has lost its voice.
Impale: to put in a bucket.
Polygon: a dead parrot.
Triplets: small journeys.
Joke of the week [117 = year 3, #13]: retired army colonel
(October 11, 2004 - October 17, 2004)
Army colonel: "I'd like some pepper, my good man."
Shop assistant: "Certainly, sir. What sort would you like - white or
Retired Army colonel: "Neither. I want toilet pepper!"
Joke of the week [118 = year 3, #14]: small boy (1)
(October 18, 2004 - October 24, 2004)
small boy was peering through a hole in the fence of a nudist colony. His
friend, Paul, came up to him and asked: " Tim, what can you see. Are they
men or women in there? " "I don't really know," replied Tim,
"none of them have got any clothes on."
Joke of the week [119 = year 3, #15]: small boy (2)
(October 25, 2004 - October 31, 2004)
outside the church, the small boy found a one pound coin and picked it up.
The vicar saw the boy and said: "Hello! I see you've found a coin. Are
you going to keep it?"
"No, sir," replied the boy.
"Excellent, excellent!" beamed the vicar.
"I'm going to spend it," said the boy."
Joke of the week [120 = year 3, #16]: "waiter, waiter ..."
(November 1, 2004 - November 7, 2004)
"Waiter, waiter, what do you recommend?"
2) "Waiter, waiter, this soup tastes foul."
it's chicken soup."
Joke of the week [121 = year 3, #17]: Dubya (1) (again!)
(November 8, 2004 - November 14, 2004)
How many members of the Bush Administration does it take to screw in a light
Answer: SEVEN: (1) One to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced,
(2) one to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions
about the light bulb, (3) one to blame the previous administration for the
need of a new light bulb, (4) one to arrange the invasion of a country
rumoured to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs, (5) one to get together
with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries
one million dollars for a light bulb, (6) one to arrange a photo-op session
showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and
wrapped in an American flag, (7) and finally one to explain to Bush the
difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
Joke of the week [122 = year 3, #18]: Dubya (2)
(November 15, 2004 - November 21, 2004)
AND CHENEY HAVING LUNCH
Bush wins the election. He and Cheney are having lunch at a diner near the
White House. Cheney orders the "Heart-Healthy" salad. Bush leans
over to the waitress and says "Honey, could I have a quickie?"
She's horrified! She says, "Mr. President, I thought your administration
would bring a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see I was
wrong and I'm sorry I voted for you," and she marches off.
Cheney leans over and says, "George, I think it's pronounced
Joke of the week [123 = year 3, #19]: Dubya (3a/b)
(November 22, 2004 - November 28, 2004)
"So far opinion is split on the president's plan (with
regard to holding elections in Iraq and then to withdraw).
Republicans say the outlook is Sunni
but, as the Democrats say, we may also be in deep Shiite."
2) Q: What's the difference
between Iraq and Vietnam?
George W. Bush had a plan to get out of Vietnam.
Joke of the week [124 = year 3, #20]: talking frog
(November 29, 2004 - December 5, 2004)
older gentleman is walking home when he comes upon a frog in the road. When he
picks it up, the frog whispers, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a young
beautiful princess and make all your wildest dreams come true." The
gentleman puts the frog in his pocket and continues to walk home.
A little while later, the frog pokes its head out of
the pocket and says, "Didn't you hear me? If you kiss me, I will turn
into a beautiful young princess and cater to your every need." The man
looks at the frog and says, "At my age, I would rather have a talking
Joke of the week [125 = year 3, #21]: talking dog
(December 6 - December 12)
Guy walks into a pet store. As he walks by a pen, he sees a sign that says:
“Talking Dog: $500.”
So he asks the owner, “Does this dog really talk?”
Owner says “Go ahead, ask him.”
Guy says to the dog “OK, tell me about yourself.”
Dog says, “Well, I was born in Germany and trained by the state to be a
guard dog. After I got my certificate I was sent to New York to an exclusive
security dealer, where Donald Trump found me. I spent two years guarding Trump
Towers, then went to California and worked for Spielberg for three years. Been
kicking back for the last 18 months and just enjoying being a dog.”
The guy is dumbfounded.
He says to the shop owner, “Oh my God, that’s amazing. I’ll take him.
Why in the world is he only $500?”
"Because he's a liar."
A man in Florida sees a classified ad, "Talking
dog for sale. $50." The man calls the number and asks the guy who answers,
"Do you really have a talking dog for sale?" The guy says, "Yes,
that's right." The man arranges to go right over and see for himself. He
arrives and rings the bell. The guy tells him, "Come on in." The man
goes into the living room and the guy who's in his lounge chair watching the
game tells him the dog is back in the bedroom. The man goes back to the
bedroom and there on the bed is the dog, watching TV using the remote control.
He says, "Are you really a talking dog?" The dog replies with a sigh,
"Oh yes. I've been able to talk since I was a puppy." The man says,
"That's incredible! How did you end up here in Florida?" The dog
replies, "Well, after obedience school, I ended up working as a police
dog, and then joined the Army's K-9 corps. I served in the first Persian Gulf
war sniffing for explosives, then I served in Kosovo helping to locate bodies,
then after 9-11 I helped find human remains at the World Trade Center site.
After all that work, death, and destruction, I decided to retire to
Florida." The man goes back to the living room and says, "I am just
blown away! That dog is incredible! Why in the world would you want to sell
him for $50?" The guy rolls his eyes, and says loud enough for the dog to
hear, "Because he's a big LIAR!"
Joke of the week [126 = year 3, #22]: mad cow
(December 13 - December 19)
were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty
scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the
The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
Joke of the week [127 = year 3, #23]: Santa's flight check
(December 20 - December 26)
Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation
Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas
flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all
the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in
order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's
flying skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He
checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He
painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's
enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in
and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then
the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's
that for!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said,
"I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over
to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
Joke of the week [128 = year 3, #24] "push at Christmas"
(December 27, 2004 – Jauary 2, 2005)
Me A Push
was Christmas Eve. Harry and Shirley had returned from an enjoyable midnight
mass at their local church. They arrived home and spent a short while relaxing
by an open fire before retiring to bed.
Some time in the middle of the night they were awoken by heavy knocking on
their front door. Harry was very unhappy about this. He went downstairs and
noisily unlocked the door to be confronted by dishevelled man who was
obviously the worse for drink.
'Th'cuse me thur. Will you helpth me with a puth."
"Help you with a push!" said Harry. "You drunken idiot! Get away from my house before I call the police!
Irresponsible people like you should be banned from driving!" And slammed
the door into the man's face.
He went back to bed and was astonished to find himself being reprimanded by
"How could you be so mean and uncharitable." she said. "Surely
this evening's sermon must still be ringing in your ears. How the innkeeper
turned Joseph and Mary away on Christmas Eve. Here you are presented with the
same situation and you show yourself to be no better than that uncaring man.
Shame on you."
Harry was shocked by the relevance of what he had done and was full of remorse.
He ran down the stairs and opened the front door, but the man was no longer
there. So, he ran down the path to his front gate to see if the man or his car
was along the road; but there was no traffic or people at all.
On the off-chance that the man might still be around somewhere he shouted
loudly. "Hey mister, needing a push, where are you?
The unmistakable drunken voice replied immediately. "Over here thur, on
Joke of the week [129 = year 3, #25]: twelve
easy-to-keep New Year's resolutions
3, 2005 - January 9, 2005)
Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Read less.
3. Watch more TV.
4. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
5. Get into a whole NEW rut.
6. Create some loose ends.
7. Get further in debt.
8. Break at least one traffic law.
9. Wait around for opportunity.
10. Focus on the faults of others.
11. Mope about their multitude of faults.
12. Never make New Year's resolutions again.
Joke of the week [130 = year 3, #26]: hard work & words
(January 10, 2005 - January 16, 2005)
just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I
got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got
psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was
followed by appendectomy."
"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathised his friends.
"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever
Joke of the week [131 = year 3, #27]: "Brown Paper Pete"
(January 17, 2005 - January 23, 2005)
cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky.
When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy
"Where is everybody?"
The bartender replies, "They've gone to the
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy
"Well," says the bartender, "he wears
a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown
paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"What's he hanging for?" asks the cowboy.
answered the bartender.
*pun on the
two meanings of the
Joke of the week [132 = year 3, #28]: "train set"
(January 24, 2005 - January 30, 2005)
small-town men were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a
There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the
party, both men staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while the other
stumbled into a subway entrance.
When the first guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other
emerging from the subway stairs. "Where ya been?" he asked.
"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the
train set that the guy has in his basement!"
Joke of the week [133 = year 3, #29]: why
did the chicken cross the road? (A)
(January 31, 2005 - February 6, 2005)
And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the
chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the
road, and there was much rejoicing.
2) Machiavelli's answer:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares
why? The end of crossing the road justifies
whatever motive there was.
3) Voltaire's answer:
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will
defend to the death its right to do it.
4) Immanuel Kant's answer:
The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross
the road of his own free will.
5) Darwin's answer:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the
6) Mark Twain's answer:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
7) Sigmund Freud's answer:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
8) Albert Einstein's answer:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road
move beneath the chicken?
9) Ernest Hemingway's answer:
To die. In the rain. Alone.
10) The Sphinx's answer:
You tell me.
Joke of the week [134 = year 3, # 30]: why
did the chicken cross the road? (B)
(February 7, 2005 - February 13, 2005)
Martin Luther King Jr.'s answer:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to
cross roads without having their motives called into question.
12) Richard Nixon's answer:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken
did not cross the road.
13) Ronald Reagan's answer:
Sorry, what was the question again?
14) Bill Clinton's answer:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you
mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
15) George W. Bush's answer:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We
just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The
chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
16) Al Gore's answer:
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore,
the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two
different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring
greater services to the American people.
17) John Kerry's answer:
I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the
chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I
will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them
18) Ralph Nader's answer:
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road
had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach
the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the
wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
19) Jerry Falwell's answer:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you
people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the
"other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become
gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that
the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the
20) Colonel Sanders' (KFC)
I missed one?
Joke of the week [135 = year 3, #31]:
why did the chicken cross the road? (C)
(February 14, 2005 - February 20, 2005)
Pat Buchanan's answer:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
22) L.A.P.D.'s answer:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
23) Bill Gates' answer:
I have just released eChicken 2005, which will not only cross roads, but will
lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book - and
Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
24) Steve Jobs's (Apple) answer:
Because of the brand-new iChicken- a portable device that crosses roads, lays
eggs, gives wakeup calls and provides dinner, automatically. This amazing
device can simply plug in to the $4000 iCoop to produce additional iChickens
and recharge existing iChickens, or plug it into the $9000 iChop to convert
iChicken files into iFood. iFood-to-Regular Food converters sell for an
additional $50/month fee, however the optional iFood-to-FoodXP converter is
still in development. iChickens are only available from authorized iDealers,
which can be found in nearly every US state. If your iChicken develops a
disease or stops working, you must send it by FedEx Overnight to Littleton,
Montana and our iTechnicians will send you a replacement within 3 months. The
25) Arthur Andersen Consultant's answer:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was
threatening its dominant market position. The
chicken was faced with significant challenges to
create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.
Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship
with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical
distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry
Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills,
methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s
people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a
Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse
cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson
consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a
two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge
capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each
other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully
architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the
continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a
park-like setting, enabling and creating an impact environment which was
strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent,
clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s
mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the
creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting
helped the chicken change to become more successful.
26) Neil Armstrong's answer:
To go where no chicken has gone before.
27) Jack Nicholson's Answer:
'Cause it (expletive deleted) wanted to. That's
the (expletive deleted) reason.
28) Grandpa's Answer:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us
that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
29) The Pope's
That is only for God to know.
30) Douglas Adams's answer:
Joke of the week [136 = year 3, #32]: why
did the chicken cross the road? (D)
(February 21, 2005 - February 27, 2005)
Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
The chicken crossed the road. This fact is rarely disputed. But why
did the chicken cross the road? No fully satisfactory explanation has ever
been given. At the fourth World-Chicken-Crossing-Conference, held in February
2005 at Henville, Teggsas, a team of distinguished scholars met to consider
this matter in depth, but unfortunately no consensus was reached. Here follow
twenty-five reasons given to explain the behaviour of the chicken. It is hoped
that at the next* conference further progress
toward a definitive answer will be made.
All the other
chickens crossed the road and this one didn't want to appear different.
All chickens cross
roads sometimes and since there were lots of chickens around it was just a
time before some chicken crossed the road and this chicken was the one.
Because it felt like
Because it needed
Because it wished to
avoid meeting the chicken it saw approaching.
Because that's what
God ordained from
the time of Creation that this chicken should come into the world and should
the road exactly when it did.
Having spent days
and nights searching its soul the chicken finally decided that it had to cross
and did so.
It all depends on
what is meant by "chicken", "road" and "cross".
10. It got bored.
11. It had a death
12. It had already
crossed the road 999 times that day and wanted to make it 1000.
13. It had always
been intending to and finally decided today was the day.
14. It saw the
rooster on the other side and wanted to get laid.
It wanted a change
16. It wanted to
17. It wanted to
catch the bus into town.
18. It wanted to
show it was not a chicken.
19. It wanted to
show it was a mean mother-fuckin' chicken.
20. It was a very
21. It was caught
by a freak gust of wind.
22. It was
collecting experiences for its next book.
23. It was part of
a chicken conga line which happened to be crossing the road.
24. It was trying
out its new pair of roller blades on the asphalt.
25. It was trying
to find its roots.
* to be
published in "Joke of the week", February 2006!
Joke of the week [137 = year 3, #33]: an American in Montreal
(February 28, 2005 - March 6, 2005)
An American businessman goes into a restroom in Montreal. He screams, and
comes out looking for the manager. The manager comes quickly and wants to know
what the problem is.
American: "Look here! I turned on the cold water and got scalded!"
Manager: "Oh, I see, monsieur, but you see, the 'c' on the faucet
refers to the French word 'chaud'
which means 'hot.' I am sorry for the confusion." He turns to
American: "Wait a minute, the other tap has a 'c' as well! What's
up with that?"
Manager: "Ah, monsieur, that refers to the English word 'cold.'
Remember, this is a bilingual city..."
of the week [138 = year 3, #34]: Confucius says (1-5)
(March 7, 2005 - March 13, 2005)
of the week [139 = year 3, #35]: Chinese made easy (1-5)
(March 14, 2005 - March 20, 2005)
1) Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table
2) Ar U Wun Tu: A gay liberation greeting
2) Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift
4) Dum Gai: A stupid person
5) Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention
of the week [140 = year 3, #36]: Chinese made easy (6-10)
(March 21, 2005 - March 27, 2005)
Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?
7) Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are
harboring a fugitive
8) Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host (geddit?)
9) Kum Hia: Approach me
10) Lao Ze: Not very good
of the week [141 = year 3, #37]: Easter Bunny jokes
(March 28, 2005 - April 3, 2005)
Q: How do bunnies stay healthy?
Q: Why did the Easter egg hide?
A: He was a little chicken!
Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A: It's been nice gnawing (at) you.
Q: What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit
A: One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!
Q: What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A: A hot cross bunny.
Q: What do you call a bunny with a large brain?
A: An egghead.
Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A: A receding hareline.
Q: What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?
A: They lived hoppily ever after!
Q: What do you call a dumb bunny?:
A: A hare brain.
Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A: Bugs Bunny.
of the week [142 = year 3, #38]: how to speak Southern (1)
(April 4, 2005 - April 10, 2005)
Aig: What a hen lays.
Aints: He's got aints in his paints.
Paints: What cha put on your laigs of a mornin.
Bag: He bagged her to marry him.
Bobbed: A bobbed wire fence.
Bub: The light bub burned out.
Cheer: What you set in.
Crick: A small stream
Clum: He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon.
Chiny: Country over in Asia.
of the week [143 = year 3, #39]: how to speak Southern (2)
(April 11, 2005 - April 17, 2005)
Animal on Farm.
Deppity: He helps out the shurf.
Dribbed: He dribbed milk on his shirt.
Dainz: Satidy night social.
Ellum: A graceful tree
Fanger: What you put your rang on.
Faince: Whats round the hawg lot.
Far: What gets the brandin arn hot.
Furred: He got furred from his job.
Flar: A rose is a purdy flar.
of the week [144 = year 3, #40]: how to speak Southern (3)
(April 18, 2005- April 24, 2005)
Frash: Them aigs ain't frash.
Furiners: All non-'bamans.
Grain: She was grain with envy.
Hail: Where bad folks go.
Hern: It aint hern, it's his'n
Hilbilly: People in the next county.
Laymun: A sour fruit.
Liberry: Where you go to check out books for larnin.
Mailk: What you get from cyows.
Mere: What you see your self in.
of the week [145 = year 3, #41]: how to speak Southern (4)
(April 25, 2005 - May 1, 2005)
Nar: Opposite of wide.
Nayk: Your head sets on it.
Orrel: Them hinges need orrel
Ormy: What the sojers go in.
Parch: Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow.
Petition: What separates the rooms.
Pokey: What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in Poke.
Salit: A green vegetable.
Puppet: What the preacher is in.
Purdy: She is purdy as a pitcher.
of the week [146 = year 3, #42]: how to speak Southern (5)
(May 2, 2005 - May 8, 22005)
Rah cheer: I was born rah cheer in town.
Rainch: A big cyow farm.
Rat: Do it rat now!
Roont: She plum roont her shoes.
Salary: A stringy vegetable.
Soardeens: Small canned fish.
Shar: A light rain.
Toad strangler: A heavy rain Sody.
Sprang: Water out'n the ground.
Shurf: The Shurf put Clem in jail.
of the week [147 = year 3, #43]: "waiter, waiter ... "
(May 9, 2005 - May 15, 2005)
waiter, what do you recommend?”
2) “Waiter, waiter, the service is terrible.”
“Yes sir, but not
as bad as the food.”
3) “Waiter, waiter, there’s a spider in my soup.”
point in getting the manager, he’s scared of them, too.”
of the week [148 = year 3, #44]: "waiter, waiter ... " (2)
(May 16, 2005 - May 22, 2005)
“Waiter, waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!”
do you expect for $1 - a live one?”
2) “Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.”
sir, it's the fly's day off.
3) “Waiter, waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.”
what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?”
of the week [149 = year 3, #45]: "waiter, waiter ... " (3)
(May 23, 2005 - May 29, 2005)
waiter, do you have frogs legs?”
I've always walked like this.”
2) “Waiter, waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt!”
that's because it was only ground this morning.”
3) “Waiter, waiter, this soup tastes foul.”
that’s because it’s chicken soup.”
of the week [150 = year 3, #46]: "waiter, waiter ... " (4)
(May 30, 2005 - June 5, 2005)
waiter, there's a flea in my soup!”
I'll tell him to hop
2) “Waiter, waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?”
the breast-stroke to me, sir.”
3) “Waiter, waiter, do you call this a three-course meal?”
right, sir. Two chips and a pea.”
of the week [151 = year 3, #47]: “doctor, doctor ... " (1)
(June 6, 2005 - June 12, 2005)
“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bee.”
off, can't you see I'm busy?”
2) “Doctor doctor, I swallowed a bone.”
I really did!”
3) “Doctor, doctor, I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
I see you yesterday?
of the week [152 = year 3, #48]: "doctor, doctor ... " (2)
(June 13, 2005 - June 19, 2005)
“Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.”
deal with you later.”
2) “Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there is two of me.”
at a time, please.”
3) “Doctor, doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?”
never make rash promises!”
of the week [153 = year 3, #49]: elephant joke (2)
(June 20, 2005 - June 26, 2005)
of the week [154 = year 3, #50]: elephant joke (3)
(June 27, 2005 - July 3, 2005)
1) Q: What do you get if you
cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with
a built-in snorkel.
2a) Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: By removing his batteries!
2b) Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
away his credit card.
of the week [155 = year 3, #51]: restaurant joke
(July 4, 2005 - July 10, m2005)
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:
IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye. She calmly writes
down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the
customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, -
"You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time
in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
of the week [156 = year 3, #52]: exam joke
(July 11, 2005 - July 17, 2005)
Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin
HISTORY: Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the
present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social,
political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia,
America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
MEDICINE: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze
and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work
has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
PUBLIC SPEAKING: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom.
Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
BIOLOGY: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human
culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with
special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
Prove your thesis.
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate
and perform it with a flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
PSYCHOLOGY: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the
emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each
of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II, Gregory of Nicia,
Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work,
making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
SOCIOLOGY: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the
end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
ENGINEERING: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been
placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in
Swahili. In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room.
Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your
ECONOMICS: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.
Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the
Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method from all
possible points of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
POLITICAL SCIENCE: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you.
Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.
EPISTEMOLOGY: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity
of your stand.
PHYSICS: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an
evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
Sketch the development of human thought, estimate its significance. Compare
with the development of any other kind of thought.
GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific. If
you finish early, turn your paper in at the table at the front of the room.
T END OF THIRD YEAR
whole collection so far: http://www.wepsite.de/joke_of_the_week.htm
the week, index: http://www.wepsite.de/Joke(s)%20of%20the%20Week.htm