An old Irishman is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the boy and says, "Son, it's time for you to get me a Protestant minister."
The son is astounded. "But, Dad!" he protests, "You've been a good Catholic all your life! You're delirious. It's a priest ye be wanting now, not a minister. "The old man looks up at him and says, "Son, please. It's me last request. Get a minister for me!" "But, Dad," cries the son, "Ye raised me a good Catholic. You've been a good Catholic all your life. Ye don't want a minister at a time like this!" The old man manages to croak out the words, "Son, if you respect me and love me as a father, you'll go out and get me a Protestant minister right now.
"The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him. As the minister is leaving the house, he passes Father O'Malley coming quickly through the door. The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the priest. "I'm afraid you're too late, Father," he says. "He's a Protestant now." Father O'Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old man's room. "Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?" he cries. "You were such a good Catholic! We went to St. Mary's together! You were there when I performed my first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like this?"  "Well," the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend. "I figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of them than one of us."

Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!" When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?" "Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"

Q: What do you call an Irishman in a tree?
A: A branch manager.

Did you hear about the queer Irishman? Sorry, these jokes are indeed POLITICALLY INCORRECT!
He liked women better than whisk(e)y.

Have you heard about the Irish parachute?
It opens on impact.

 Pronouncing Welsh place names
Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing."   American version:    http://www.wepsite.de/joke(22).htm
                                                                “funny postcards”:
http://www.wepsite.de/funny%20postcards,%20Wales,%20welcome.htm
http://www.wepsite.de/funny%20postcards,%20Wales,%20dirty%20weekend.htm
http://www.wepsite.de/funny%20postcard,%20Wales,%20language.htm
http://www.wepsite.de/funny%20postcard,%20Wales,%20summer%20versus%20winter.htm
http://www.wepsite.de/funny%20postcards,%20a%20few%20words%20from%20Wales.htm
http://www.wepsite.de/funny%20postcards,%20Black%20Rock%20Sands.htm

 The drunk passenger
A prominent Welsh minister travelling home one night was greatly annoyed when a young man much the worse for drink came and sat next to him on the bus.
"Young man," he declared, "do you not realise you are on the road to perdition?"
"Oh, hell," replied the drunkard, "I could have sworn this bus went to Llanelli."

Welsh weather (1)
When you can see the coast of Devon from Swansea, it is going to rain.
When you can't, it's raining already.

 Welsh weather (2)
And now the latest news from the Glamorgan county cricket ground at St. Helen's in Swansea:
Two and a half inches of rain have fallen for seven runs.

Making it rain
No rain had fallen for months and the group of Indians were faced with a long drought. Suddenly, one spoke up. 'When I was in England I saw something that might work. What happens is that two men in white coats go into a field and hammer six poles into the ground, then another two men with clubs appear and stand in front of the poles. Then eleven men, also in white, come out holding a ball, and then, just when they are all spread round the field, that's when the rain comes pouring down !

Playing on Sunday
George always played cricket on Sunday. This troubled his wife, who asked the vicar "Is it a sin for him to play on Sunday?" " It's not a sin,” replied the vicar. "The way he plays, it's a crime! "

1) Doctor, doctor, veo elefantes azules por todas partes.
["Doctor, doctor, I see blue elephants everywhere."]
- ¿Ha visto ya a un psicólogo?
["Have you seen a psychologist yet?"]
- No, sólo elefantes azules. 
["No, just blue elephants." ]

2) - Doctor, doctor, ¿qué tal ha ido el parto?
["Doctor, doctor, how did the birth go?"]
- Bueno, todo muy bien, pero a su hijo le hemos tenido que poner oxígeno.
["Well, everything very well, but we have had to put on your son [= put your son on] oxygen." (ponerle = "put on him ")]
- ¿¿Oxígeno?? Con la ilusión que a mí me hacía ponerle Federico...
["Oxygen?? And after my heart was so set on calling him Federico . . . " (ponerle = "name him")]

3) - Doctor, doctor, tengo tendencias suicidas, ¿qué hago?
["Doctor, doctor, I have suicidal tendencies. What should I do?"]
- Págueme ya mismo.
["Pay me this instant."]

Derange: de place where de cowboys ride home to.
Disgruntled: a pig that has lost its voice.
Impale: to put in a bucket.
Polygon: a dead parrot.
Triplets: small journeys.

Retired Army colonel: "I'd like some pepper, my good man."
Shop assistant: "Certainly, sir. What sort would you like - white or black pepper?"
Retired Army colonel: "Neither. I want toilet pepper!"

A small boy was peering through a hole in the fence of a nudist colony. His friend, Paul, came up to him and asked: " Tim, what can you see. Are they men or women in there? " "I don't really know," replied Tim, "none of them have got any clothes on."

Just outside the church, the small boy found a one pound coin and picked it up.
The vicar saw the boy and said: "Hello! I see you've found a coin. Are you going to keep it?"
"No, sir," replied the boy.
"Excellent, excellent!" beamed the vicar.
"I'm going to spend it," said the boy."

1) "Waiter, waiter, what do you recommend?"
    "Another restaurant, sir."

2) "Waiter, waiter, this soup tastes foul."
    "That's because it's chicken soup."

Question: How many members of the Bush Administration does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Answer: SEVEN: (1) One to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced, (2) one to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the light bulb, (3) one to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light bulb, (4) one to arrange the invasion of a country rumoured to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs, (5) one to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a light bulb, (6) one to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag, (7) and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

BUSH AND CHENEY HAVING LUNCH
Bush wins the election. He and Cheney are having lunch at a diner near the White House. Cheney orders the "Heart-Healthy" salad. Bush leans over to the waitress and says "Honey, could I have a quickie?"
She's horrified! She says, "Mr. President, I thought your administration would bring a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see I was wrong and I'm sorry I voted for you," and she marches off.
Cheney leans over and says, "George, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE.'"

1) "So far opinion is split on the president's plan (with regard to holding elections in Iraq and then to withdraw). Republicans say the outlook is Sunni but, as the Democrats say, we may also be in deep Shiite."   Jay Leno

2) Q: What's the difference between Iraq and Vietnam?
    A: George W. Bush had a plan to get out of Vietnam.   (geddit?)

An older gentleman is walking home when he comes upon a frog in the road. When he picks it up, the frog whispers, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a young beautiful princess and make all your wildest dreams come true." The gentleman puts the frog in his pocket and continues to walk home.
A little while later, the frog pokes its head out of the pocket and says, "Didn't you hear me? If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful young princess and cater to your every need." The man looks at the frog and says, "At my age, I would rather have a talking frog."

Version 1
Guy walks into a pet store. As he walks by a pen, he sees a sign that says: “Talking Dog: $500.”
So he asks the owner, “Does this dog really talk?”
Owner says “Go ahead, ask him.”
Guy says to the dog “OK, tell me about yourself.”
Dog says, “Well, I was born in Germany and trained by the state to be a guard dog. After I got my certificate I was sent to New York to an exclusive security dealer, where Donald Trump found me. I spent two years guarding Trump Towers, then went to California and worked for Spielberg for three years. Been kicking back for the last 18 months and just enjoying being a dog.”
The guy is dumbfounded.
He says to the shop owner, “Oh my God, that’s amazing. I’ll take him. Why in the world is he only $500?”
"Because he's a liar."

Version 2
A man in Florida sees a classified ad, "Talking dog for sale. $50." The man calls the number and asks the guy who answers, "Do you really have a talking dog for sale?" The guy says, "Yes, that's right." The man arranges to go right over and see for himself. He arrives and rings the bell. The guy tells him, "Come on in." The man goes into the living room and the guy who's in his lounge chair watching the game tells him the dog is back in the bedroom. The man goes back to the bedroom and there on the bed is the dog, watching TV using the remote control. He says, "Are you really a talking dog?" The dog replies with a sigh, "Oh yes. I've been able to talk since I was a puppy." The man says, "That's incredible! How did you end up here in Florida?" The dog replies, "Well, after obedience school, I ended up working as a police dog, and then joined the Army's K-9 corps. I served in the first Persian Gulf war sniffing for explosives, then I served in Kosovo helping to locate bodies, then after 9-11 I helped find human remains at the World Trade Center site. After all that work, death, and destruction, I decided to retire to Florida." The man goes back to the living room and says, "I am just blown away! That dog is incredible! Why in the world would you want to sell him for $50?" The guy rolls his eyes, and says loud enough for the dog to hear, "Because he's a big LIAR!"

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

Give Me A Push
It was Christmas Eve. Harry and Shirley had returned from an enjoyable midnight mass at their local church. They arrived home and spent a short while relaxing by an open fire before retiring to bed.
Some time in the middle of the night they were awoken by heavy knocking on their front door. Harry was very unhappy about this. He went downstairs and noisily unlocked the door to be confronted by dishevelled man who was obviously the worse for drink.
'Th'cuse me thur. Will you helpth me with a puth."
"Help you with a push!" said Harry. "You drunken idiot! Get away from my house before I call the police! Irresponsible people like you should be banned from driving!" And slammed the door into the man's face.
He went back to bed and was astonished to find himself being reprimanded by his wife.
"How could you be so mean and uncharitable." she said. "Surely this evening's sermon must still be ringing in your ears. How the innkeeper turned Joseph and Mary away on Christmas Eve. Here you are presented with the same situation and you show yourself to be no better than that uncaring man. Shame on you."
Harry was shocked by the relevance of what he had done and was full of remorse. He ran down the stairs and opened the front door, but the man was no longer there. So, he ran down the path to his front gate to see if the man or his car was along the road; but there was no traffic or people at all.
On the off-chance that the man might still be around somewhere he shouted loudly. "Hey mister, needing a push, where are you?
The unmistakable drunken voice replied immediately. "Over here thur, on the thwing."

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Read less.
3. Watch more TV.
4. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
5. Get into a whole NEW rut.
6. Create some loose ends.
7. Get further in debt.
8. Break at least one traffic law.
9. Wait around for opportunity.
10. Focus on the faults of others.
11. Mope about their multitude of faults.
12. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."
"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathised his friends.
"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky.
When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks,
"Where is everybody?"
The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"What's he hanging for?" asks the cowboy.
"Rustling^*," answered the bartender.
*pun on the two meanings of the verb "to rustle".]

Two small-town men were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference.
There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, both men staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.
When the first guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs. "Where ya been?" he asked.
"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that the guy has in his basement!"

1) Moses's answer:
And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
2) Machiavelli's answer:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
3) Voltaire's answer:
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
4) Immanuel Kant's answer:
The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.
5) Darwin's answer:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
6) Mark Twain's answer:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
7) Sigmund Freud's answer:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
8) Albert Einstein's answer:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
9) Ernest Hemingway's answer:
To die. In the rain. Alone.
10) The Sphinx's answer:
You tell me.

11) Martin Luther King Jr.'s answer:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
12) Richard Nixon's answer:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
13) Ronald Reagan's answer:
Sorry, what was the question again?
14) Bill Clinton's answer:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
15) George W. Bush's answer:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
16) Al Gore's answer:
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
17) John Kerry's answer:
I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them
18) Ralph Nader's answer:
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
19) Jerry Falwell's answer:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
20) Colonel Sanders' (KFC) answer:
I missed one?

21) Pat Buchanan's answer:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
22) L.A.P.D.'s answer:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
23) Bill Gates' answer:
I have just released eChicken 2005, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
24) Steve Jobs's (Apple) answer:
Because of the brand-new iChicken- a portable device that crosses roads, lays eggs, gives wakeup calls and provides dinner, automatically. This amazing device can simply plug in to the $4000 iCoop to produce additional iChickens and recharge existing iChickens, or plug it into the $9000 iChop to convert iChicken files into iFood. iFood-to-Regular Food converters sell for an additional $50/month fee, however the optional iFood-to-FoodXP converter is still in development. iChickens are only available from authorized iDealers, which can be found in nearly every US state. If your iChicken develops a disease or stops working, you must send it by FedEx Overnight to Littleton, Montana and our iTechnicians will send you a replacement within 3 months. The iChicken. Wow!
25) Arthur Andersen Consultant's answer:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impact environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
26) Neil Armstrong's answer:
To go where no chicken has gone before.
27) Jack Nicholson's Answer:
'Cause it (expletive deleted) wanted to. That's the (expletive deleted) reason.
28) Grandpa's Answer:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
29) The Pope's Answer:
That is only for God to know.
30) Douglas Adams's answer:
Forty-two.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
The chicken crossed the road. This fact is rarely disputed. But why did the chicken cross the road? No fully satisfactory explanation has ever been given. At the fourth World-Chicken-Crossing-Conference, held in February 2005 at Henville, Teggsas, a team of distinguished scholars met to consider this matter in depth, but unfortunately no consensus was reached. Here follow twenty-five reasons given to explain the behaviour of the chicken. It is hoped that at the next* conference further progress toward a definitive answer will be made.
1.      All the other chickens crossed the road and this one didn't want to appear different.
2.      All chickens cross roads sometimes and since there were lots of chickens around it was just a matter
       of time before some chicken crossed the road and this chicken was the one.
3.      Because it felt like it.
4.       Because it needed the exercise.
5.      Because it wished to avoid meeting the chicken it saw approaching.
6.      Because that's what chickens do.
7.      God ordained from the time of Creation that this chicken should come into the world and should
       cross the road exactly when it did.
8.      Having spent days and nights searching its soul the chicken finally decided that it had to cross the
       road and did so.
9.      It all depends on what is meant by "chicken", "road" and "cross".
10. It got bored.
11. It had a death wish.
12. It had already crossed the road 999 times that day and wanted to make it 1000.
13. It had always been intending to and finally decided today was the day.
14. It saw the rooster on the other side and wanted to get laid.
15.  It wanted a change of scenery.
16. It wanted to be famous.
17. It wanted to catch the bus into town.
18. It wanted to show it was not a chicken.
19. It wanted to show it was a mean mother-fuckin' chicken.
20. It was a very confused chicken.
21. It was caught by a freak gust of wind.
22. It was collecting experiences for its next book.
23. It was part of a chicken conga line which happened to be crossing the road.
24. It was trying out its new pair of roller blades on the asphalt.
25. It was trying to find its roots.
* to be published in "Joke of the week", February 2006!

An American businessman goes into a restroom in Montreal. He screams, and comes out looking for the manager. The manager comes quickly and wants to know what the problem is.
American: "Look here! I turned on the cold water and got scalded!"
Manager: "Oh, I see, monsieur, but you see, the 'c' on the faucet refers to the French word 'chaud'
                    which means 'hot.' I am sorry for the confusion." He turns to leave."
American: "Wait a minute, the other tap has a 'c' as well! What's up with that?"
Manager: "Ah, monsieur, that refers to the English word 'cold.' Remember, this is a bilingual city..."

1) Man who run in front of car get tired.
2) Man who run behind car get exhausted.
3) Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
4) Man with one chopstick go hungry.
5) War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
more Chinese jokes:
http://www.wepsite.de/joke(139).htm       http://www.wepsite.de/joke(317).htm
http://www.wepsite.de/joke(140).htm       http://www.wepsite.de/joke(318).htm
http://www.wepsite.de/joke(315).htm       http://www.wepsite.de/joke(319).htm
http://www.wepsite.de/joke(316).htm       http://www.wepsite.de/joke(320).htm

1) Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table
2) Ar U Wun Tu: A gay liberation greeting
2) Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift
4) Dum Gai: A stupid person
5) Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention

6) Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?
7) Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
8) Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host (geddit?)
9) Kum Hia: Approach me
10) Lao Ze: Not very good

Q: How do bunnies stay healthy?
A: Eggercise.

Q: Why did the Easter egg hide?
A: He was a little chicken!

Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A: It's been nice gnawing (at) you.

Q: What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote?
A: One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!

Q: What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A: A hot cross bunny.

Q: What do you call a bunny with a large brain?
A: An egghead.

Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A: A receding hareline.

Q: What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?
A: They lived hoppily ever after!

Q: What do you call a dumb bunny?:
A: A hare brain.

Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A: Bugs Bunny.

Aig: What a hen lays.
Aints: He's got aints in his paints.
Paints: What cha put on your laigs of a mornin.
Bag: He bagged her to marry him.
Bobbed: A bobbed wire fence.
Bub: The light bub burned out.
Cheer: What you set in.
Crick: A small stream
Clum: He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon.
Chiny: Country over in Asia.

Cyow: Animal on Farm.
Deppity: He helps out the shurf.
Dribbed: He dribbed milk on his shirt.
Dainz: Satidy night social.
Ellum: A graceful tree
Fanger: What you put your rang on.
Faince: Whats round the hawg lot.
Far: What gets the brandin arn hot.
Furred: He got furred from his job.
Flar: A rose is a purdy flar.

Frash: Them aigs ain't frash.
Furiners: All non-'bamans.
Grain: She was grain with envy.
Hail: Where bad folks go.
Hern: It aint hern, it's his'n
Hilbilly: People in the next county.
Laymun: A sour fruit.
Liberry: Where you go to check out books for larnin.
Mailk: What you get from cyows.
Mere: What you see your self in.

Nar: Opposite of wide.
Nayk: Your head sets on it.
Orrel: Them hinges need orrel
Ormy: What the sojers go in.
Parch: Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow.
Petition: What separates the rooms.
Pokey: What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in Poke.
Salit: A green vegetable.
Puppet: What the preacher is in.
Purdy: She is purdy as a pitcher.

Rah cheer: I was born rah cheer in town.
Rainch: A big cyow farm.
Rat: Do it rat now!
Roont: She plum roont her shoes.
Salary: A stringy vegetable.
Soardeens: Small canned fish.
Shar: A light rain.
Toad strangler: A heavy rain Sody.
Sprang: Water out'n the ground.
Shurf: The Shurf put Clem in jail.

1) “Waiter, waiter, what do you recommend?”
    “Another restaurant, sir”

2) “Waiter, waiter, the service is terrible.”
    “Yes sir, but not as bad as the food.”

3) “Waiter, waiter, there’s a spider in my soup.”
    “There’s no point in getting the manager, he’s scared of them, too.”

1) “Waiter, waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!”
    “What do you expect for $1 - a live one?”

2) “Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.”
    “Yes sir, it's the fly's day off.

3) “Waiter, waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.”
    “So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?”

1) “Waiter, waiter, do you have frogs legs?”
    “No sir, I've always walked like this.”

2) “Waiter, waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt!”
    “Yes sir, that's because it was only ground this morning.”

3) “Waiter, waiter, this soup tastes foul.”
    “Yes sir, that’s because it’s chicken soup.”

1) “Waiter, waiter, there's a flea in my soup!”
    I'll tell him to hop it.

2) “Waiter, waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?”
    “Looks like the breast-stroke to me, sir.”

3) “Waiter, waiter, do you call this a three-course meal?”
    “That's right, sir. Two chips and a pea.”

1) “Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bee.”
    “Buzz off, can't you see I'm busy?”

2) “Doctor doctor, I swallowed a bone.”
    “Are you choking?”
    “No, I really did!”

3) “Doctor, doctor, I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
    “Didn't I see you yesterday?

1) “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.”
    “I'll deal with you later.”

2) “Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there is two of me.”
    “One at a time, please.”

3) “Doctor, doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?”
    “I never make rash promises!”

1) Q: What game do four elephants in a mini play?
    A: Squash

2) Q: Why did the elephant cross the road A: It was the chicken's day off.

3) Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
    A: Free Parking.

Elephant (1) http://www.wepsite.de/joke(27).htm
Elephant (3) http://www.wepsite.de/joke(154).htm
Elephant (4) http://www.wepsite.de/joke(259).htm

1) Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
    A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

2a) Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
      A: By removing his batteries!

2b) Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
      A: Take away his credit card.

Unusual order

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:

$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, -

"You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

FINAL EXAM

INSTRUCTIONS: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

HISTORY: Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

MEDICINE: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

PUBLIC SPEAKING: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

BIOLOGY: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

MUSIC: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

PSYCHOLOGY: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II, Gregory of Nicia, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

SOCIOLOGY: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

ENGINEERING: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

ECONOMICS: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method from all possible points of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

POLITICAL SCIENCE: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

EPISTEMOLOGY: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.

PHYSICS: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

PHILOSOPHY: Sketch the development of human thought, estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific. If you finish early, turn your paper in at the table at the front of the room.