The Merchant Banker or “The Charity Sketch”                         Monty Python

B: Merchant banker (nameless), John Cleese  C: Customer (Mr Ford), Terry Jones

B. Come in! Ah, Mr Ford isn’t it?
C:
That’s right.
B:
How do you do? I’m a merchant banker.
C:
How do you do, Mr …….?
B: 
Er …I forget my name for the moment, but I am a merchant banker.
C:
Oh. I wondered whether you would like to contribute to the orphan’s home? (rattles the tin)
B:
Well, I don’t want to show my hand too early, but actually here at Slater Nazi we are quite keen to
     
get into orphans, you know, developing market and all that … what sort of sum did you have in mind?

C:
Well … er … you’re a rich man …
B:
Yes, I am. Yes. Yes, very, very rich. Quite phenomenally wealthy. I do own the most startling quantities of cash.
     
Yes, quite right … you’re rather a smart young lad aren’t you. We could do with somebody like you to feed the
       pantomime horse. Very smart.
C: Thank you, sir.

B:
Now, you were saying. I’m very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very rich.
C:
So er, how about a pound.
B:
A pound. Yes, I see. Now, this loan would be secured by the …
C:
It’s not a loan, sir.
B:
What?
C:
It’s not a loan.
B:
Ah.
C:
You get one of these, sir. (hands him a sticker or a badge)
B:
(examines it doubtfully) It’s a bit small for a share certificate, isn’t it? Look, I think I’d better 
      run this over to our legal department. If you could possibly pop back on Friday.

C:
 Well, do you have to do that, couldn’t you just give me the pound?
B:
Yes, but you see I don’t know what it is for.
C:
It’s for the orphans.
B:
Y e s. (waiting for a more convincing answer)
C:
It’s a gift.
B:
A what? (completely puzzled)
C:
A gift. (shakes his collecting tin to drive home the point)
B:
Oh, a gift! (his face brightens)
C:
Yes.
B:
A tax dodge.
C:
No, no, no, no!
B:
No? Well, I’m awfully sorry I don’t understand. Can you just explain exactly what you want?
C:
I want you to give me a pound, and then I go away and give it to the orphans.
B:
Y e s. (waiting, as above, and absolutely puzzled)
C:
Well,
that’s it.
B:
(shaking his head in utter disbelief) No, no, no, I don’t follow this at all, I mean, I don’t want to
      seem stupid, but it  looks to me as if I was a pound down on the whole deal.
C:
Well, you are.
B:
I am! Well, what is my incentive to give you the pound?
C:
Well, the incentive is − to make the orphans happy.
B:
Happy? … You quite sure you’ve got this right?
C:
Yes, lots of people give me money.
B:
What, just like that?
C:
Yes!
B:
They must be sick! I don’t suppose you could give me a list of their names and addresses, could you?
C:
No, I just go up to them in the street and ask.
B:
Good lord! That’s the most exciting new idea I’ve heard in years! It’s so simple it’s brilliant. Well,
     if that idea of yours isn’t worth a pound I’d like to know what it is (grabs the collecting tin)
C:
Oh, thank you, sir.
B:
The only trouble is, you gave me the idea before I’d given you the pound and that’s not good business.
C:
Isn’t it?
C:
No, I’m afraid it isn’t. So, um, off you go. (he pulls a lever opening a trapdoor under Ford’s feet
     and Ford falls through with a yelp) Nice to do business with you.  

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