The Merchant Banker or ďThe Charity SketchĒ                         Monty Python

B: Merchant banker (nameless), John Cleese  C: Customer (Mr Ford), Terry Jones

B. Come in! Ah, Mr Ford isnít it?
C:
Thatís right.
B:
How do you do? Iím a merchant banker.
C:
How do you do, Mr ÖÖ.?
B: 
Er ÖI forget my name for the moment, but I am a merchant banker.
C:
Oh. I wondered whether you would like to contribute to the orphanís home? (rattles the tin)
B:
Well, I donít want to show my hand too early, but actually here at Slater Nazi we are quite keen to
     
get into orphans, you know, developing market and all that Ö what sort of sum did you have in mind?

C:
Well Ö er Ö youíre a rich man Ö
B:
Yes, I am. Yes. Yes, very, very rich. Quite phenomenally wealthy. I do own the most startling quantities of cash.
     
Yes, quite right Ö youíre rather a smart young lad arenít you. We could do with somebody like you to feed the
       pantomime horse. Very smart.
C: Thank you, sir.

B:
Now, you were saying. Iím very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very rich.
C:
So er, how about a pound.
B:
A pound. Yes, I see. Now, this loan would be secured by the Ö
C:
Itís not a loan, sir.
B:
What?
C:
Itís not a loan.
B:
Ah.
C:
You get one of these, sir. (hands him a sticker or a badge)
B:
(examines it doubtfully) Itís a bit small for a share certificate, isnít it? Look, I think Iíd better 
      run this over to our legal department. If you could possibly pop back on Friday.

C:
 Well, do you have to do that, couldnít you just give me the pound?
B:
Yes, but you see I donít know what it is for.
C:
Itís for the orphans.
B:
Y e s. (waiting for a more convincing answer)
C:
Itís a gift.
B:
A what? (completely puzzled)
C:
A gift. (shakes his collecting tin to drive home the point)
B:
Oh, a gift! (his face brightens)
C:
Yes.
B:
A tax dodge.
C:
No, no, no, no!
B:
No? Well, Iím awfully sorry I donít understand. Can you just explain exactly what you want?
C:
I want you to give me a pound, and then I go away and give it to the orphans.
B:
Y e s. (waiting, as above, and absolutely puzzled)
C:
Well,
thatís it.
B:
(shaking his head in utter disbelief) No, no, no, I donít follow this at all, I mean, I donít want to
      seem stupid, but it  looks to me as if I was a pound down on the whole deal.
C:
Well, you are.
B:
I am! Well, what is my incentive to give you the pound?
C:
Well, the incentive is − to make the orphans happy.
B:
Happy? Ö You quite sure youíve got this right?
C:
Yes, lots of people give me money.
B:
What, just like that?
C:
Yes!
B:
They must be sick! I donít suppose you could give me a list of their names and addresses, could you?
C:
No, I just go up to them in the street and ask.
B:
Good lord! Thatís the most exciting new idea Iíve heard in years! Itís so simple itís brilliant. Well,
     if that idea of yours isnít worth a pound Iíd like to know what it is (grabs the collecting tin)
C:
Oh, thank you, sir.
B:
The only trouble is, you gave me the idea before Iíd given you the pound and thatís not good business.
C:
Isnít it?
C:
No, Iím afraid it isnít. So, um, off you go. (he pulls a lever opening a trapdoor under Fordís feet
     and Ford falls through with a yelp) Nice to do business with you.  

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