The Merchant Banker or “The Charity Sketch”
Monty Python
B: Merchant banker (nameless), John Cleese C: Customer (Mr Ford), Terry Jones
B. Come in! Ah, Mr Ford isn’t it?
C: That’s
right.
B: How
do you do? I’m a merchant banker.
C: How
do you do, Mr …….?
B: Er …I forget my name for the moment, but I am a merchant banker.
C: Oh.
I wondered whether you would like to contribute to the orphan’s home? (rattles
the tin)
B: Well,
I don’t want to show my hand too early, but actually here at Slater Nazi we
are quite keen to
get into orphans, you know, developing
market and all that … what sort of sum did you have in mind?
C: Well
… er … you’re a rich man …
B: Yes,
I am. Yes. Yes, very, very rich. Quite phenomenally wealthy. I do own the most
startling quantities of cash.
Yes, quite right … you’re rather a
smart young lad aren’t you. We could do with somebody like you to feed the
pantomime
horse. Very smart.
C: Thank you, sir.
B: Now, you were saying.
I’m very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very rich.
C: So
er, how about a pound.
B: A
pound. Yes, I see. Now, this loan would be secured by the …
C: It’s
not a loan, sir.
B: What?
C: It’s
not a loan.
B: Ah.
C: You
get one of these, sir. (hands him a sticker or a badge)
B: (examines
it doubtfully) It’s a bit small for a share certificate,
isn’t it? Look, I think I’d better
run this over to our
legal department. If you could possibly pop back on Friday.
C: Well, do you have to
do that, couldn’t you just give me the pound?
B: Yes,
but you see I don’t know what it is for.
C: It’s
for the orphans.
B: Y
e s. (waiting for a more convincing answer)
C: It’s
a gift.
B: A
what? (completely puzzled)
C: A
gift. (shakes his collecting tin to drive home the point)
B: Oh,
a gift! (his face brightens)
C: Yes.
B: A tax dodge.
C: No, no, no, no!
B: No?
Well, I’m awfully sorry I don’t understand. Can you just explain exactly
what you want?
C: I
want you to give me a pound, and then I go away and give it to the
orphans.
B: Y
e s. (waiting, as above, and absolutely puzzled)
C: Well, that’s
it.
B: (shaking
his head in utter disbelief) No, no, no, I don’t follow
this at all, I mean, I don’t want to
seem stupid, but it looks
to me as if I was a pound down on the whole deal.
C: Well,
you are.
B: I
am! Well, what is my incentive to give you the pound?
C: Well,
the incentive is − to make the orphans happy.
B: Happy? … You quite sure you’ve got this right?
C: Yes,
lots of people give me money.
B: What,
just like that?
C: Yes!
B: They
must be sick! I don’t suppose you could give me a list of their names and
addresses, could you?
C: No,
I just go up to them in the street and ask.
B: Good
lord! That’s the most exciting new idea I’ve heard in years! It’s so
simple it’s brilliant. Well,
if
that idea of yours isn’t worth a pound I’d like to know
what it is (grabs the collecting tin)
C: Oh,
thank you, sir.
B: The
only trouble is, you gave me the idea before I’d given you the
pound and that’s not good business.
C: Isn’t
it?
C: No,
I’m afraid it isn’t. So, um, off you go. (he pulls a lever opening a
trapdoor under Ford’s feet
and
Ford falls through with a yelp) Nice
to do business with you.
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