11) The Anti-Sportsman
A: Anti-Sportsman
I: Interviewer
I: Good evening, Mr. Couchpot.
A: Good evening.
I: I suppose you had a pleasant weekend?
A: I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I: I said did you have a pleasant weekend?
A: Oh, yes, yes, yes!
I: I suppose Saturday …
A: Did you have a pleasant weekend?
I: Yes, quite pleasant, thank you. I was thinking of you Saturday …
A: Yes, I had a very pleasant weekend.
I: Did you?
A: Oh, yes.
I: I suppose that being the sportsman you are, you were attending some
major sporting event in London.
A: No, no, I’m not really a sportsman, but I enjoy watching sports
occasionally, you know.
I: What sports do you like?
A: Yes, I like that sport where a lot of people are asleep on the lawn, you
know, and they sit around in deckchairs.
I:
Oh, yes.
A: Then there’s some people in the middle of the lawn and they do
something. And there’s a chap with a white
coat on who looks like a barber. Beats me why he dresses up like that.
I: You consider that sport?
A: Oh, yes! And then it starts raining, you know.
I: Yes, yes.
A: And they all wake up, then somebody says well played, sir!
I like that …
I: : I see, you are talking about this game of cricket.
A: CRICKET, that’s right, yes I like cricket.
I:
You seem to be more interested in sport as a spectator, than as a
participant.
A: No, no! I just play sports myself sometimes, you see.
I: What sports do you play?
A: Hmm?
I: I said what sports do you play?
A: I used to run, you know
I:
Fast?
A: Oh, very fast, oh yes, terrific, tremendous!
I: Far?
A: Oh, absolutely my dear chap! Hmm?
I: I said did you run far?
A: I used to run, oh yes, rather.
I:
Long distance?
A: Oh yes, I used to run for hours on end.
I:
Did you? And you kept up fast?
A:
I kept it up, yes, I kept it up, of course!
I: What else do you like? Do you like hunting?
A: Oh, I like hunting. Yes, I love it.
I: You do like hunting? That’s fine. Tell me something about it. What
sort of animals do you hunt?
A: Oh, I don’t hunt animals, no, no! I shoot PEOPLE!
I:
Oh, people?
A:
Oh, yes, of course! I like to shoot those people who hunt, you know.
People who hunt foxes and things like
I: I see, you follow them from behind and shoot the people.
A: Yes, yes, rather!
I: You had some success with that?
A: Yes. I shot some … Who was it now I shot last week? Brigadier,
brigadier somebody or other, I can’t
I: I see.
A: I put their heads up over my fireplace. I shot him right between …
I:
Have you many?
A:
Hmm?
I:
Have you many?
A:
Fireplaces? No, I’ve only got one.
I:
No, no, heads!
A: No, I have only got one head.
I: Well, I mean, have you many heads over your fireplace, trophies, these
human trophies?
A: Oh yes, I have got any amount of them.
I:
Is there anything else? Do you play tennis or golf …
A: Good heavens, no.
I:
Do you swim?
A: I swim.
I: Do you?
A: I love swimming.
I: Where do you swim as a rule?
A: I swim in the water.
I:
Yes, I thought that, but I mean in pools or in rivers …
A: Yes, I swim in pools, that’s correct. There’s more room.
I:
I suppose you swim with a breaststroke, do you?
A: A what?
I:
The breaststroke.
A: What do you mean? I don’t understand.
I:
Well, that’s a form of swimming. Do you do that or do you favour the
crawl?
A: No, no, I swim with my arms …
I: Yes, indeed … but I mean …
A:
… and my legs …
I: Yes, yes, but you know about the breaststroke?
A:
No.
I: What sort of stroke do you use when you are swimming?
A: I told you, I swim with my arms and my legs.
I: So what do you do? You put them out over your head?
A: No, I put them out on the side.
I: Have you ever heard …
A: I slap them round, you see.
I:
You have never heard of the crawl?
A:
No, I don’t crawl, I swim. That’s nonsense! Maybe you Americans crawl
when you swim. Over here we
just
swim, crawling we leave to the insects. Do think I’m bee or a wasp. Quite
definitely I don’t crawl!
I: Come one, Mr Couchpot, please don’t get annoyed!
A: But I am annoyed. Do you think I’m an ant, a bee, a wasp or a
caterpillar? No, I don’t crawl, I swim! And
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