11) The Anti-Sportsman

A: Anti-Sportsman   I: Interviewer 

I: Good evening, Mr. Couchpot.

A: Good evening.

I: I suppose you had a pleasant weekend?

A: Iím sorry, I didnít hear you.

I: I said did you have a pleasant weekend?

A: Oh, yes, yes, yes!

I: I suppose Saturday Ö

A: Did you have a pleasant weekend?

I: Yes, quite pleasant, thank you. I was thinking of you Saturday Ö

A: Yes, I had a very pleasant weekend.

I: Did you?

A: Oh, yes.

I: I suppose that being the sportsman you are, you were attending some major sporting event in London.

A: No, no, Iím not really a sportsman, but I enjoy watching sports occasionally, you know.

I: What sports do you like?

A: Yes, I like that sport where a lot of people are asleep on the lawn, you know, and they sit around in deckchairs.

I: Oh, yes.

A: Then thereís some people in the middle of the lawn and they do something. And thereís a chap with a white coat on who looks like a barber. Beats me why he dresses up like that.

I: You consider that sport?

A: Oh, yes! And then it starts raining, you know.

I: Yes, yes.

A: And they all wake up, then somebody says well played, sir! I like that Ö

I: : I see, you are talking about this game of cricket.

A: CRICKET, thatís right, yes I like cricket.

I: You seem to be more interested in sport as a spectator, than as a participant.

A: No, no! I just play sports myself sometimes, you see.

I: What sports do you play?

A: Hmm?

I: I said what sports do you play?

A: I used to run, you know

I: Fast?

A: Oh, very fast, oh yes, terrific, tremendous!

I: Far?

A: Oh, absolutely my dear chap! Hmm?

I: I said did you run far?

A: I used to run, oh yes, rather.

I: Long distance?

A: Oh yes, I used to run for hours on end.

I: Did you? And you kept up fast?

A: I kept it up, yes, I kept it up, of course!

I: What else do you like? Do you like hunting?

A: Oh, I like hunting. Yes, I love it.

I: You do like hunting? Thatís fine. Tell me something about it. What sort of animals do you hunt?

A: Oh, I donít hunt animals, no, no! I shoot PEOPLE!

I: Oh, people?

A: Oh, yes, of course! I like to shoot those people who hunt, you know. People who hunt foxes and things like that. I shoot them.

I: I see, you follow them from behind and shoot the people.

A: Yes, yes, rather!

I: You had some success with that?

A: Yes. I shot some Ö Who was it now I shot last week? Brigadier, brigadier somebody or other, I canít remember his name.

I: I see.

A: I put their heads up over my fireplace. I shot him right between Ö

I: Have you many?

A: Hmm?

I: Have you many?

A: Fireplaces? No, Iíve only got one.

I: No, no, heads!

A: No, I have only got one head.

I: Well, I mean, have you many heads over your fireplace, trophies, these human trophies?

A: Oh yes, I have got any amount of them.

I: Is there anything else? Do you play tennis or golf Ö

A: Good heavens, no.

I: Do you swim?

A: I swim.

I: Do you?

A: I love swimming.

I: Where do you swim as a rule?

A: I swim in the water.

I: Yes, I thought that, but I mean in pools or in rivers Ö

A: Yes, I swim in pools, thatís correct. Thereís more room.

I: I suppose you swim with a breaststroke, do you?

A: A what?

I: The breaststroke.

A: What do you mean? I donít understand.

I: Well, thatís a form of swimming. Do you do that or do you favour the crawl?

A: No, no, I swim with my arms Ö

I: Yes, indeed Ö but I mean Ö

A: Ö and my legs Ö

I: Yes, yes, but you know about the breaststroke?

A: No.

I: What sort of stroke do you use when you are swimming?

A: I told you, I swim with my arms and my legs.

I: So what do you do? You put them out over your head?

A: No, I put them out on the side.

I: Have you ever heard Ö

A: I slap them round, you see.

I: You have never heard of the crawl?

A: No, I donít crawl, I swim. Thatís nonsense! Maybe you Americans crawl when you swim. Over here we just swim, crawling we leave to the insects. Do think Iím bee or a wasp. Quite definitely I donít crawl!

I: Come one, Mr Couchpot, please donít get annoyed!

A: But I am annoyed. Do you think Iím an ant, a bee, a wasp or a caterpillar? No, I donít crawl, I swim! And you better crawl home now if you know whatís good for you! Good-bye!  

 

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