THIS WEEK’S LETTER TO PARISHIONERS HAS BEEN DICTATED BY MR PRESCOTT OF THE WORKING MEN’S CLUB IN THE ABSENCE OF THE VICAR ON HIS WELL-DESERVED HOLIDAY BREAK.

Brothers and sisters!
Once again it has fallen to my lot to take charge of parish affairs, owing to the vicar’s understandable decision to “get away from it all” by going off to stay with one of his rich showbusiness friends in the West Indies.
Notice that it is not Mr Brown who Tony turns to when he needs someone to clear up the mess he has left behind to go off on holiday.
Don’t get me wrong. Gordon has done a great job in the past keeping the parish accounts in good order, but, frankly, now it has been discovered the figures don’t exactly add up, he has his work cut out trying to work out where he is going to raise the £27 billion needed to pay for all his crackpot schemes, such as building an extension to our St Albion’s primary school.
So no wonder that when he is looking for a safe pair of hands, Tony should as usual turn to yours truly, and my only regret is that he did not ask my advice about one or two things earlier with regard to the chaoticisation of parish business which has been an inevitable ensual of his failure to consult me.
For a start I could have told him not to “get into bed” with that American friend of his, the Rev. Dubya, who is obviously a Born-Again-Nutcase, as anyone could see a mile off.
Then to my mind he has been asking for trouble for a long time by relying on these backroom boys he’s so keen on, like that creepy little handyman who used to be our churchwarden, not to mention the real villain around the vicarage. [Editor’s note: Owing to a “crash” on the vicarage computer, this section of Mr Prescott’s message has got lost in cyberspace.]
Thirdly, I could have told Tony a long time ago, if he’d listened, that he should be very careful of that wife of his and her friend Carole.
Pauline and I needed only one look at that one, with her leather trousers and kinky boots, to know that she spelt trouble with a capital “T”. Even Mr Campbell was bright enough to sus that one, but was Tony prepared to listen? No way.
So, if he wants to sort that one out, my advice is that he should get rid of Cherie and her little friend double-quick before they do any more damage to his standing in the parish. (Remember what happened to the Tsar of Russia when his wife got too friendly with Mrs Rasputin -- they all ended up at the bottom of some coal mine!)
Which brings me to my own plans for sorting the parish out in Tony’s absence. I have put up in the Church hall a map showing all the areas of so-called green space in the parish, including the graveyard, the allotments and the school playing field, all of which should be redesignatified as prime building sites for much-needed non-affordable residential development.
To my mind, this is the kind of thing we should be priorising instead of chasing round the world trying to solve everyone else’s problems except our own.
Let them sort out their own problems, is my message to Tony. After all, it was they who who got themselves into such a mess in the first place.
All that apart, I am sure you will all join me in wishing the vicar and Cherie a very relaxing holiday in the sun!
Yours (still hard at work!)

A Statement from the Editor of the Newsletter, Mr Campbell

In view of the ill-informed speculation around the parish about my future plans, let me put you all straight.

1.       I have always made it clear that I was not going to do this job forever.

2.       If I leave it will be on my own terms and nobody else’s. Is that clear? The vicar well knows that I could do a lot of damage to him and his wife if I chose to reveal certain things, and I could be very well rewarded for doing so.

3.       I am certainly not going to step down, so long as it looks as if I am only doing so because of the incident involving the tragic death of our much-loved local doctor, Dr Kelly. That frankly had nothing to do with me, and if anyone needs to examine their conscience it should be a certain local journalist who I shall not name because you all know who I am talking about.

4.       When Mr Hutton, our much-respected legal adviser, completes his inquiry which will completely exonerate me of any wrong-doing in this matter, then and then alone I might consider “moving on” to develop my career in other directions.

5.       Anyone who does not understand the above is scum. Do you all hear me? SCUM! That is the only word for all of you, and the sooner I get shot of you all, the better. But only on my own terms and at a time of my own choosing. Is that understood by all of you (and I include “Holy Joe” himself, sunning on some beach somewhere with that mad wife of his!).

Hullo from Sunny Barbados!

Hi! You will be pleased to know that Cherie and I and the kids are having a great time here in the wonderful island of Barbados, thanks to the generosity of our brother-in-the-Lord Sir Cliff Richard! It’s been a great relief to be able to relax and swim and knock down the odd rum punch, without having to worry about poor Dr Kelly or those wretched weapons of mass destruction that everyone at home seems so obsessed with! We’d like to say “wish you were here”, but, frankly, it’s a great relief that you’re not!

Tony and Cherie (not forgetting Baby Leo!)

World First for St Albion’s!

For the first time an ordinary vicar’s wife has been featured in the world’s most prestigious fashion magazine, Marie Claire Short. And no prizes for guessing which vicar’s wife we’re talking about! Cherie took the journalists on a guided tour of the vicarage, and was photographed being given make-up tips by local beautician Carole, of “You Couldn’t Make It Up” in the High Street. The journalists were fascinated to hear how she manages to juggle her duties as a vicar’s wife with being a mother of three and a high-flying career woman in her own right! Copies of the magazine will be available at the back of the Church after next Sunday’s Family Singalong.