The Skinhead Hamlet

Shakespeare’s play translated into modern English

"Our hope was to achieve something like the effect of the New English Bible" Eds.

ACT I. Scene 1.The Battlements of Elsinore Castle.

(Enter Hamlet, followed by Ghost.)

Ghost: Oi! Mush!

Hamlet: Yer?

Ghost: I was fucked!

(Exit Ghost.)

Hamlet: O fuck.

(Exit Hamlet.)

Scene 2. The Throne Room.

(Enter King Claudius, Gertrude, Hamlet and Court.)

Claudius: Oi! You, Hamlet: give over!

Hamlet: Fuck off, won’t you?

(Exeunt Claudius, Gertrude, Court.)

Hamlet: (alone) They could have fucking waited.

(Enter Horatio.)

Horatio: Oi! Whatcha cock!

Hamlet: Weeeeey!

(Exeunt.)

Scene 3. Ophelia’s Bedroom.

(Enter Ophelia and Laertes.)

Laertes: I’m fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn’t slip you one while I’m gone.

Ophelia: I’ll be fucked if he does.

(Exeunt.)

Scene 4. The Battlements.

(Enter Horatio, Hamlet and Ghost.)

Ghost: Oi! Mush, get on with it!

Hamlet: Who did it then?

Ghost: That wanker Claudius. He poured fucking poison in my fucking ear!

Hamlet: Fuck me!

(Exeunt.)

ACT II. Scene 1. A corridor in the castle.

(Enter Hamlet reading. Enter Polonius.)

Polonius: Oi! You!

Hamlet: Fuck off, granddad!

(Exit Polonius. Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.)

Ros.&Guild.: Oi! Oi! Mucca!

Hamlet: Fuck off, the pair of you!

(Exeunt Ros. & Guild.)

Hamlet: (alone) To fuck of be fucked.

(Enter Ophelia.)

Ophelia: My lord!

Hamlet: Fuck off to a nunnery!

(Exeunt in different directions.)

ACT III. Scene 1. Throne Room.

(Enter Players and all Court.)

1 Player: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart …

Claudius: I’ll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap.

(Exeunt.)

Scene 2. Gertrude’s Bedchamber.

(Enter Hamlet, to Gertrude.)

Hamlet: Oi! Slag!

Gertrude: Watch your fucking mouth, kid!

Polonius: (from behind the curtain) Too right.

Hamlet: Who the fuck was that?

(He stabs Polonius through the arras.)

Polonius: Fuck!

Hamlet: Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker.

(Exeunt.)

ACT 4. Scene 1. Court Room.

Claudius: Fuck off to England then!

Hamlet: Delighted, mush!

Scene 2. Throne Room.

(Ophelia, Gertrude and Claudius.)

Ophelia: Here, cop a whack of this. (She hands Gertrude some rosemary and exits.)

Claudius: She’s fucking round the twist, isn’t she?

Gertrude (looking out of the window): There is a willow grows aslant the brook.

Claudius: Get on with it, slag.

Gertrude: Ophelia’s gone and fucking drowned!

Claudius: Fuck! Laertes isn’t half going to be browned off.

(Exeunt.)

Scene 3. A Corridor.

Laertes (alone): I’m going to fucking do this lot.

(Enter Claudius.)

Claudius: I didn’t fucking do it, mate. It was that wanker Hamlet.

Laertes: Well, fuck him.

ACT V. Scene 1. Hamlet’ Bedchamber.

(Hamlet and Horatio, seated.)

Hamlet: I got this feeling I’m going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldn’t give a flying fuck.

(Exeunt.)

Scene 2. Large Hall.

(Enter Hamlet, Laertes, Court, Gertrude, Claudius.)

Laertes: Oi, wanker, let’s get on with it!

Hamlet: Delighted, fuckface.

(They fight and both are poisoned by the poisoned sword.)

Laertes: Fuck!

Hamlet: Fuck!

(The Queen drinks.)

Gertrude: Fucking odd wine!

Claudius: You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow!

Hamlet (pouring the poison down Claudius’ throat): Well, fuck you!

Claudius: I’m fair and squarely fucked.

Laertes: Oi, mush: no hard feelings, eh?

Hamlet: Yer.

(Laertes dies.)

Hamlet: Oi! Horatio!

Horatio: Yer?

Hamlet: I’m fucked. The rest is fucking silence.

(Hamlet dies.)

Horatio: Fuck. That was no ordinary wanker, you know.

(Enter Fortinbras.)

Fortin.: What the fuck’s going on here?

Horatio: A fucking mess, that’s for sure.

Fortin.: No kidding. I see Hamlet’s fucked.

Horatio: Yer.

Fortin.: Fucking shame. Fucking good bloke.

Horatio: Too fucking right.

Fortin.: Fuck this for a lark then. Let’s piss off.

(Exeunt with alarums. The End.)

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