The Skinhead Hamlet

Shakespeareís play translated into modern English

"Our hope was to achieve something like the effect of the New English Bible" Eds.

ACT I. Scene 1.The Battlements of Elsinore Castle.

(Enter Hamlet, followed by Ghost.)

Ghost: Oi! Mush!

Hamlet: Yer?

Ghost: I was fucked!

(Exit Ghost.)

Hamlet: O fuck.

(Exit Hamlet.)

Scene 2. The Throne Room.

(Enter King Claudius, Gertrude, Hamlet and Court.)

Claudius: Oi! You, Hamlet: give over!

Hamlet: Fuck off, wonít you?

(Exeunt Claudius, Gertrude, Court.)

Hamlet: (alone) They could have fucking waited.

(Enter Horatio.)

Horatio: Oi! Whatcha cock!

Hamlet: Weeeeey!

(Exeunt.)

Scene 3. Opheliaís Bedroom.

(Enter Ophelia and Laertes.)

Laertes: Iím fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesnít slip you one while Iím gone.

Ophelia: Iíll be fucked if he does.

(Exeunt.)

Scene 4. The Battlements.

(Enter Horatio, Hamlet and Ghost.)

Ghost: Oi! Mush, get on with it!

Hamlet: Who did it then?

Ghost: That wanker Claudius. He poured fucking poison in my fucking ear!

Hamlet: Fuck me!

(Exeunt.)

ACT II. Scene 1. A corridor in the castle.

(Enter Hamlet reading. Enter Polonius.)

Polonius: Oi! You!

Hamlet: Fuck off, granddad!

(Exit Polonius. Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.)

Ros.&Guild.: Oi! Oi! Mucca!

Hamlet: Fuck off, the pair of you!

(Exeunt Ros. & Guild.)

Hamlet: (alone) To fuck of be fucked.

(Enter Ophelia.)

Ophelia: My lord!

Hamlet: Fuck off to a nunnery!

(Exeunt in different directions.)

ACT III. Scene 1. Throne Room.

(Enter Players and all Court.)

1 Player: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart Ö

Claudius: Iíll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap.

(Exeunt.)

Scene 2. Gertrudeís Bedchamber.

(Enter Hamlet, to Gertrude.)

Hamlet: Oi! Slag!

Gertrude: Watch your fucking mouth, kid!

Polonius: (from behind the curtain) Too right.

Hamlet: Who the fuck was that?

(He stabs Polonius through the arras.)

Polonius: Fuck!

Hamlet: Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker.

(Exeunt.)

ACT 4. Scene 1. Court Room.

Claudius: Fuck off to England then!

Hamlet: Delighted, mush!

Scene 2. Throne Room.

(Ophelia, Gertrude and Claudius.)

Ophelia: Here, cop a whack of this. (She hands Gertrude some rosemary and exits.)

Claudius: Sheís fucking round the twist, isnít she?

Gertrude (looking out of the window): There is a willow grows aslant the brook.

Claudius: Get on with it, slag.

Gertrude: Opheliaís gone and fucking drowned!

Claudius: Fuck! Laertes isnít half going to be browned off.

(Exeunt.)

Scene 3. A Corridor.

Laertes (alone): Iím going to fucking do this lot.

(Enter Claudius.)

Claudius: I didnít fucking do it, mate. It was that wanker Hamlet.

Laertes: Well, fuck him.

ACT V. Scene 1. Hamletí Bedchamber.

(Hamlet and Horatio, seated.)

Hamlet: I got this feeling Iím going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldnít give a flying fuck.

(Exeunt.)

Scene 2. Large Hall.

(Enter Hamlet, Laertes, Court, Gertrude, Claudius.)

Laertes: Oi, wanker, letís get on with it!

Hamlet: Delighted, fuckface.

(They fight and both are poisoned by the poisoned sword.)

Laertes: Fuck!

Hamlet: Fuck!

(The Queen drinks.)

Gertrude: Fucking odd wine!

Claudius: You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow!

Hamlet (pouring the poison down Claudiusí throat): Well, fuck you!

Claudius: Iím fair and squarely fucked.

Laertes: Oi, mush: no hard feelings, eh?

Hamlet: Yer.

(Laertes dies.)

Hamlet: Oi! Horatio!

Horatio: Yer?

Hamlet: Iím fucked. The rest is fucking silence.

(Hamlet dies.)

Horatio: Fuck. That was no ordinary wanker, you know.

(Enter Fortinbras.)

Fortin.: What the fuckís going on here?

Horatio: A fucking mess, thatís for sure.

Fortin.: No kidding. I see Hamletís fucked.

Horatio: Yer.

Fortin.: Fucking shame. Fucking good bloke.

Horatio: Too fucking right.

Fortin.: Fuck this for a lark then. Letís piss off.

(Exeunt with alarums. The End.)

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