7) Internal Combustion

A: Man   B: Woman ("Car")

“Internal Combustion”, a piece written by David Frost [NOW “Sir” David Frost!], a well-known TV-personality of the sixties, seventies and eighties, should appeal to those with a penchant for the double entendre [sorry, for the hard words!!!], in other words to those who, like Tom Lehrer, love SMUT !

 A: The British automobile industry has developed to the point where cars are of such a shape and so on that … well, according to one report in the Observer it said (quote) “…that cars seem to be taking the place of    [pause] women in British life. -     Yes … Lovely curves, I like the shape.

B: (in a soothing, cooing, seductive voice) I’m a nice car!                                               

A: Yes. How many cylinders have you got?                                                                    

B: Two.                                                                                                                     

A: Good, and you’re only 18 [pause] horsepower.

B: (slightly worried, alarmed) No, no, no! Please, please, don’t start!

A: What’s wrong?

B: Well, it’s been nice, don’t spoil everything.

A: Women!

B: I’m sorry, I can’t help it.

A: Here, have a can of oil!

B: You just want to get me tanked up, don’t you? And then before I know where I am you’ll be obtaining power for the automatic clutch operation by making use of the partial vacuum in the engine inlet manifold. (starts sobbing)

A: I just want to take you for a drive.

B: I’m sorry, but a girl’s got so much to lose. She’s never the same once she’s been decarbonised.

A: Well, I’m off then.

B: (pleading, conciliatory) Oh no, don’t go! Just a little ride then, not fast, be gentle with me. I haven’t got       shock absorbers.

A: Change gear. Horn. (with the appropriate noises)

B: Oh, I like that!

A: Now, we’re going to do an S-curve.

B: (ecstatic) Oh, do it again!

A: We’ll be in the hedge. Let’s double-declutch, Mildred.

B: Oh no, no, be patient with me. (promising) I may be later.

A: (technical gobbledygook) That’s right. Keep yourself in a state of independent front-wheel suspension, the disadvantage of which is the heavy beam axle which is inconsistent with good road holding.

B: I loved the way you said that.

A: You know, you wouldn’t look too bad if you used a bit more anti-freeze.

B: Do another double-bend!

A: It’s kinky!

B: it’s not. I like other things.

A: Such as?

B: I don’t like to say it.

A: Go on.

B: I like it when you move the gear lever and close the switch, thus energizing the solenoid and causing the left-hand side of the piston to be exposed to the partial vacuum in the reservoir.

A: You’ve been driven by other men!

B: Well, you have driven other women!

A: This is not the same thing.

B: Oh, why are you stopping? I’m not going into a lay-by with a strange man.

A: I’m not stopping.

B: But what are you doing then?

A: Reversing.

B: Pervert!

ANNOTATIONS: some selected words and expressions:

to get (sb) tanked up: betrunken machen/“auftanken”; clutch: Kupplung; shock absorber: Stoßdämpfer; to change gear: schalten; horn: Hupe; to double-declutch [bei unsynchronisiertem Getriebe oder sportlicher Fahrweise]: beim Schalten zweimal die Kupplung betätigen/bzw. „Zwischengas geben“; suspension: Aufhängung; road holding: Straßenlage; anti-freeze: Frostschutzmittel; kinky: pervers, abartig; lay-by (BrE): Parkbucht; to reverse: rückwärts-fahren; [And now some words for automobile freaks/buffs: inlet manifold: Ansaugrohr; solenoid: Magnetspule; piston: Kolben (this is a basic word!)]

see also more sketches        back to RAZZAMATAZZ         back to homepage