Rowan Atkinson: FATAL BEATINGS
Headmaster: Well now, Mr. Perkins. It was good of you to come in. I realise that
you're a busy man, but I didn't think this matter could be discussed over the
electric telephone.
Mr Perkins: No. No, absolutely, Headmaster, I mean, if Tommy is in some
sort of trouble, then I'd like to nip it in the bud.
Headmaster: Well, quite frankly, Tommy is in trouble. Recently his
behaviour has left a great deal to be desired.
Mr Perkins: Dear.
Headmaster: He seems to take no interest in school life whatsoever.
He refuses to muck in at the sports field. And it's weeks since any master has
received any written work from him.
Mr Perkins: Oh, dear me.
Headmaster: Quite frankly, Mr Perkins, if he wasn't dead, I'd have him
expelled.
Mr Perkins: I beg your pardon?
Headmaster: Yes, EXPELLED! If I wasn't making allowances for the fact
that your son is dead, he'd be out on his ear!
Mr Perkins: You mean he's dead?
Headmaster: Yes... He's lying up there in sick bay now, stiff as a board
and bright green, and this is, I fear, typical of his current attitude. You see,
the boy has no sense of moderation: one moment he's flying around like a paper
kite, and the next moment he's completely immovable. And beginning to smell.
Mr Perkins: Well, how did he die?!
Headmaster: Well, is that important?
Mr Perkins: Why, yes, I think so!
Headmaster: Well... Well... Well, it's all got to do with the library,
you see. We've had a lot of trouble recently with boys taking out
library books without library cards. Your son was caught, and I administered a
beating, during which he died. But you'll be glad to know... You'll be glad to
know that the ringleader was caught, so I don't think we'll be having any
trouble with library discipline. You see, the library card system...
Mr Perkins: I'm sorry...
Headmaster: ...was...
Mr Perkins: You beat my son to death?
Headmaster: Yes, yes, so it would seem. Please, I'm not used to being
interrupted. You see, the library card system was introduced...
Mr Perkins: Well, exactly what happened?
Headmaster: Well, apparently, boys were just slipping into the library
and taking the books!
Mr Perkins: No, during the beating!
Headmaster: Oh, that? Well...well, one moment he was bending over, the
next moment he was lying down, I mean, er...
Mr Perkins: Dead?
Headmaster: Mmm... deadish! ... Mr.Perkins, I find this morbid
fascination with your son's death quite disturbing. What I'm talking about is
his attitude! And quite frankly, I can see where he gets it from.
Mr Perkins: Well, it wasn't me that beat my son to death!
Headmaster: Well, that was perfectly obvious to me from the first day he
arrived here. I wondered then, as I wonder now, if he might not have turned out
a very different boy indeed if you had administrated a few fatal beatings
earlier.
Mr Perkins: Are you mad!?
Headmaster: I'm FURIOUS! In order to accommodate the funeral, I had to
cancel afternoon school on Wednesday!
Mr Perkins: This is preposterous!
Headmaster: Yes, it is. Or at least, it would be...if it were true.
Mr Perkins: ...What?
Headmaster: I've been joking, Mr Perkins. Pardon me, it's my strange
academic sense of humour. I've been pulling your leg.
Mr Perkins: Oh, thank God!
Headmaster: I wouldn't cancel afternoon school to bury that little shit!
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