Dream Team in Iraq,
by Art Buchwald (The Washington Post, May 1, 2003)
I had a dream the other night. I was embedded in Iraq with a division of
U.S. Marines. The war was over and those Iraqis who weren't dancing in the
streets were looting the shops.
People were shouting, "We love the infidel Americans -- now get
There were pictures of President Bush and Vice President Cheney in every
home and banners that read "A Democratic Election Is the Only Kind of
Election Our Religious Clerics Will Stand For."
There were weapons of mass destruction in every city and town and the
president said anyone who found one would get $1,000 and a free weekend at the
new Trump Baghdad Hotel and Casino.
Wait. There is more to the dream. I saw Donald Rumsfeld and Colin Powell
arm-wrestling in the Pentagon parking lot.
Because Rumsfeld had wrestled at Princeton, he won two out of three
matches. The president enjoyed the contest and made Rumsfeld viceroy of
In the dream I saw Jacques Chirac being pulled off his pedestal and Hans
Blix telling the press the reason he didn't find any weapons of mass destruction
is that he forgot to look in the basement.
I know you are wondering if I saw Saddam Hussein while I was sleeping. I
saw five of him. They were all alive and wearing brand-new uniforms.
But no matter what bunker we smart-bombed, none of the Saddams was there.
In my dream, the CIA is as puzzled as anybody and says, "Our informants
keep giving us wrong information as to where he is, so it isn't our fault that
we can't find him."
I flew over Baghdad and I saw a gleaming city of gold on a hill and a
10-story neon sign that said, "Thank You, Bechtel."
And I saw everyone in the city cooking lamb over their Halliburton
Out in the desert thousands of derricks pumped black oil. The derricks
had signs on them: "For Domestic Use Only."
Then I remember seeing the Rev. Frank Graham preaching in the Basra
soccer stadium for all Iraqi citizens to become born-again Christians and
believe in the same God as the president of the United States.
Attorney General Ashcroft said he would give the Iraqis the same rights
he gives everyone in the United States.
My dream almost went off the tracks when I saw American traitors against
the war, their mouths covered with duct tape so they couldn't protest the
paradise that Bush had given them.
I then saw Guantanamo Bay, where outspoken movie and television stars
were taken so good Americans could throw rocks at them.
Next I zeroed in on the Baghdad museum, where I heard a man say, "There's
too much old junk in here. It's about time we had a garage sale."