A Politically Correct Christmas
By Bill Barnwell

(Scene opens with everyone mingling at the executive office of the Diverse Communications Corporation for a company "Holiday Party." Four of the workers are very liberal non-believers and two are Christians).
Janice:
Well everybody, it's been a long year but it's almost over. Welcome to the first annual "Diverse Communications Holiday Celebration." Our company has really done well this year and now it's time to kick back and have a little fun.
Larry:
I wouldn't miss it for the world, Janice. We need more leisure time in Corporate America today. I was watching PBS the other day and they were doing a very informative documentary on Canada. Did you know that they think America takes itself to seriously?
Sara:
Wow, the Canadians are so enlightened!
Larry:
I agree, and I'm glad that we can be a voice of reason and enlightenment in this selfish, capitalistic culture that we live in.
Charlie:
Right on Larry. There's too much closed-mindedness and bigotry in society today. I wish every school or business out there was as tolerant and diverse as we are (all the members of the group give hearty affirmations in agreement).
John:
Hey guys, I can't stay very long, but before I forget, I want to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas (room goes silent).
Janice:
Um, John, maybe you haven't read the company policy, and I thought we were all on the same page here, but we don't say "Merry Christmas" at this company, we say "Happy Holidays." Hey Charlie, can you pour me another latte?
John:
Huh? Why? What's the big deal?
Janice:
The big deal, John, is that we live in a diverse and pluralistic society, and "Happy Holidays" is a more respectful, open-minded phrase to use.
John:
Well I guess I just don't see how someone could be offended by me saying "Merry Christmas."
Larry:
Stop being so narrow-minded and judgmental, John! Why can't you just respect people who don't have the same beliefs as you?!
John:
I didn't think I was being disrespectful, but isn't Christmas a time of…
Janice:
No, not Christmas, "The Holidays."
Charlie:
You're leaving early? Where do you need to be anyway?
John:
I was going to take my wife and kids to the Christmas Eve service at our church.
Sara:
Figures. Leave it to the Jesus Freak to want to impose his values on the rest of us.
Janice:
John, I think you and your church should maybe consider doing a "Holiday Eve" service instead where all different faiths can come together to celebrate the "Higher Power"-if one does indeed exist, that is. That would be much more open-minded than all of this narrow Jesus stuff. That offends people.
Crystal:
I have to agree with John. How is he imposing his faith by saying "Merry Christmas"? And I'm also a Christian, if you want to be tolerant and open-minded shouldn't you be thinking about us too?
Larry:
Hey, don't you push your beliefs on me, Crystal!
Sara:
Yeah, don't you read your own Bible? Judge not, lest ye be judged, thou hypocrite! (Room is now worked up into a commotion).
Crystal:
We're not judging anybody! I'm just saying that Christians have rights too and that Christmas has its roots with the birth of Jesus.
Janice:
Crystal, I'm sure if the historical Jesus did indeed exist back then and was here right now that he would not support this kind of bigotry from you. I'm ashamed of you two. This is not the kind of attitude I would expect from my Diverse Communications employees.
Crystal:
Well where do you think we got the word "Christmas" from? It comes from the root word "Christ." (Everyone gets real quiet and begins thinking to themselves).
Janice:
(Seems very intrigued) Wow, that's a really good point Crystal, I never really thought about that. Thanks for pointing this out (pauses). OK everybody, from now on the word "Christmas" is also banned in our company speech code (The rest cheer).
John:
Oh come on! This is getting ridiculous!
Sara:
You're free to practice your religion in private, John. But you have to realize that the Cross offends some of us.
John:
How does mentioning Christmas, or yes, even Jesus offend you? Nobody is forcing you to believe what I believe, but you're forcing me to take everything spiritual out of Christmas. That's not fair.
Crystal:
Ok, fine, can't we at least get in the Christmas spirit and put up a Christmas tree? There's nothing really that spiritual about that.
Janice:
I don't see any problem with putting up a holiday tree.
Sara:
But Janice, what about people that suffer from denodrophobia--you know, the fear of trees? Shouldn't we be thinking about their needs too?
Janice:
Good point, Janice. No, I'm sorry Crystal. A holiday tree would be offensive to dendrophobics, therefore it will not be allowed.
John:
Can we at least sing a Christmas (everyone shoots him a look)-ugh, Holiday Carol? How about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer?
Larry:
That song is offensive to people who don't have perfect noses! It's insensitive!
Janice:
He's right, let's just be safe and avoid all Holiday Carols.
John:
How do you people justify this nonsense?
Larry:
Haven't you ever heard the phrase "Separation of Church and State", hatemonger? It's in the constitution you know.
John:
This isn't the State, we're a business, and no, that phrase is never used in the constitution. And what are you talking about? How is my being a vocal and practicing Christian establishing a state religion?
Larry:
That's it, I've had enough of this abuse. Janice, I'm calling my friends at the Un-American Un-Civil Anti-Liberties Union and I'm suing John and Crystal for violating my rights! Take that you Christian!
Janice:
That's not going to be necessary Larry. I'll take care of this. John, Crystal…I didn't want to have to do this but I'm afraid it's necessary. Because of your continued insistence on using the term "Christmas" instead of "Holidays," and because of your insistence on publicly talking about Jesus Christ and failing to consider that not everyone shares you religion, I'm afraid that I have no other choice but to send you two away.
Crystal:
You're firing us?!
Janice: No, not yet at least. I want to give you two a chance to change your ways first. I'm sending you off to the "Tolerance and Diversity Penitentiary Reform Institution." Hopefully you'll learn what it means to be truly open-minded. Come and get 'em boys! (Two individuals in white outfits enter and handcuff John and Crystal).
John: This is crazy. This is the most intolerant, judgmental group I've ever met!

Officer #1:
That's enough out of you Jesus-freak. Start walking (starts leading him out).
Janice:
It's for your own good. Over at the Tolerance and Diversity Penitentiary your eyes will be opened and you'll repent from your hate-filled and narrow-minded ways.
Crystal:
Look who is talking!
Officer #2:
Let's go bigot (Leads her out).
Larry:
Ugh, leave it to the Christians to ruin the Holiday Season. I don't feel like being here anymore, I'm going home to watch my George Carlin tapes.
Janice:
That's fine. I think I'm going to go join the protestors from United Earth to demand that all these Holiday Trees stop being cut down. You all can leave if you want. I'll see you guys Monday. (Everyone exists but Sara and Charlie).
Charlie:
Man, I can't believe how ignorant and intolerant some people are. We still apparently have a long way to go.
Sara:
I agree, it's sickening. Oh well, I'm out of here. Happy Holidays.
Charlie:
Yeah, take care, Happy Holidays.
                                                                  
                                  
THE END